Dear Jane,
Six years ago, my husband, to whom I had been married for many decades, confessed to having lived a double life.
He had been in a long-term relationship that had resulted in a son. He had since become estranged from that son and his mother, but I still divorced him.
In our divorce, I received a much larger share of the marital assets. I think he felt guilty, or maybe he just wanted to get out of there without any problems. I stayed in the family home and he rented a small place nearby.
Then, a few years later, he fell ill.
Dear Jane, I discovered that my husband was living a double life and now my children are demanding that I do the unthinkable.
Our adult daughter, who still lives nearby with her family, took it upon herself to take him to medical appointments and take care of household chores, such as grocery shopping.
We also have an adult son who lives across the country. Whenever there was a medical emergency, he would come visit us.
My ex is very lucky to have children who still love him, despite what he did to our family. But they are getting tired of this situation and recently told me that they want to put him in an assisted living facility.
The problem is that he has no money after our divorce… and my children want ME to contribute.
They think I should contribute at least a quarter of the cost since I received the majority of the marital funds.
Yes, I can afford it, but I said “no.”
This man lied to me and cheated on me for many years. And, without going into too much detail, he also put my health at risk by not using protection during his affair (and who knows how many other women).
So no, I’m not going to spend my hard earned (and saved) money on it.
But now my two adult children and five of my six grandchildren no longer speak to me.
I am angry and hurt. I want so badly to be close to my family again, but I refuse to pay for this man to live his life after ruining mine. What should I do?
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about the agony aunt
Of,
Twice Wronged
Dear Twice Wronged:
I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation, particularly after years of enduring all the pain your husband caused you.
Let’s be clear: you are not under any obligation here. And certainly They are not obligated to contribute to paying for their ex-husband’s assisted living simply to make their children happy.
You have earned this money, the divorce is final and you owe him nothing.
But perhaps the situation is a little more nuanced than a simple yes-or-no, pay-or-don’t-pay solution.
Even if you don’t want to give that money to someone who hurt you, you may feel happier in the end if you can come to an agreement and maintain a close relationship with your children.
When we have children with someone, we are bonded to that person forever. I know many people who have flown halfway around the world to care for their sick spouse whom they divorced years ago because, at the end of the day, they are still the parents of their children.
Families are complicated! Once you have kids, I’m not sure anyone involved ever “pops out” of your family for good.
Your husband has hurt you a lot and is now very ill. It could be a healing for everyone if you could find the strength to support him.
It may not have to be a quarter of the cost, but it could be. something.
And remember: it would be an act of love towards your children… not towards him.
Whatever choice you make, I wish you the best.
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