DEAR JANE: I caught my dad doing something gross and he’s begging me not to tell my mom.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been living at home with my parents since I graduated college a few months ago and it’s been a great adjustment.

For the past four years (while I was in college), I only visited home for short periods during the holidays.

I don’t have siblings, so my parents have had the whole house to themselves most of the time.

My dad has an office downstairs, which he uses to work from home a few days a week, but neither of my parents spend time there outside of my dad’s 9-5 workday.

Lately, I go to my dad’s office to FaceTime my boyfriend late at night.

He lives in California and I live on the East Coast, so we usually call around midnight, when my mom is already in bed and my dad is usually in the living room watching TV.

You see, my room is right next to my parents’ room, so I don’t want to wake my mother. The living room and kitchen in our house are open plan so you wouldn’t have any privacy there either.

So I walked into the office late at night and didn’t feel the need to tell my father.

But last night I got the shock of my life.

I walked into the office and my dad was sitting there in front of his computer… and then I saw what was on the screen.

I was on a porn site, watching an extremely shocking scene.

I won’t go into details, but let’s just say it was a traumatic experience for me.

My dad quickly left the page and immediately began trying to calm me down. I felt a little panic.

I asked him if my mom knew that he watched that type of porn, and he said no and begged me not to tell her.

My mother and I are very close and I don’t want to keep secrets from her, especially since I think this is something she should know.

Should I tell him what I saw or spare him the details and try to make peace with the knowledge of my father’s secret habit?

Of,

Displeased daughter

Dear upset daughter,

I’m so sorry you had to see this.

It’s hard enough to imagine our parents as sexual beings, much less those with predilections that can be edgy and uncomfortable.

It’s completely understandable that you feel as traumatized as you do. My first advice is to find a professional who can help you overcome this trauma in a completely safe place.

You may be talking to friends, but I think a professional would be more beneficial in this case.

I won’t say much about what exactly your father was watching and about pornography in general, other than to try to assure you that, as disturbing as it was to witness, pornography is now a part of our daily lives, whether we like it or not.

That being said, I understand why you feel the need to protect your mother. And you absolutely shouldn’t feel like you have to keep your father’s secret.

It would be too heavy a burden to carry. And believe me when I tell you that if you keep it, it will be something you will carry with you all your life.

Of course, you don’t want to be the one to cause your mother pain by telling her, not to mention that your father would also see it as a betrayal.

Perhaps the way out of this is to tell your father, with absolute conviction, that he has to be the one to tell your mother, and that if he doesn’t, he will force you into the terrible situation of having to do it yourself. .

Then it will be up to your parents to sort this out themselves. Wish you all the best.