Dear Jane,
My boyfriend is the father of two young children from a previous relationship and I can’t stand being around them.
Before you think I’m totally heartless, let me explain. I’m not someone who has ever wanted to be a mother, but I actually really like being around other people’s children and I’ve loved seeing some of my closest friends become parents in recent years.
When I met my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for three years, he was more than happy to embrace his kids with open arms, so to speak.
We took it slow at first, because his son and daughter were still very young when we started dating, and neither of us wanted to rush them into meeting me until we were sure our relationship was going to last.
After about a year, we decided the time was right and my first meeting with them was amazing. They were such wonderful little humans and I was completely in love. But over the next few months, I noticed that they became increasingly rude and sullen whenever they were around me, and nothing I did seemed to change their behavior.
Dear Jane, My boyfriend’s kids have become a nightmare and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want them in my house. How do I tell him?
My boyfriend kept telling me to be patient, but two years later, things still haven’t changed and I have a horrible feeling it’s because his ex poisoned them against me.
My boyfriend and his ex-partner don’t have the best relationship and she has made no secret of the fact that she believes I have alienated him from his family, a sentiment her children now seem determined to repeat at every available opportunity. .
And I’m exhausted by it.
I’m sick and tired of feeling like the bad guy every time I see them. I never want to deny my partner the opportunity to be with their children and I don’t want to ruin their relationship with them, but it is becoming very difficult for me to even be in the same room with both of them. them without constantly feeling like I’m going to cry.
I tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but ever since he split from his ex, he’s basically been treading lightly around the kids, and I think he’s terrified of saying or doing anything that might turn them against him.
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I think it’s best for everyone involved for me to take some time away from them while my boyfriend gets back to a place where he feels like he can really address his behavior, but I have no idea how I could even begin to have that. conversation with him.
Any ideas?
Of,
evil stepmother
Dear evil stepmother,
My heart breaks for you, because I know exactly how this feels and what you are going through. No child wants a stepmother and being a stepfather is tremendously difficult.
And I’m sorry for your husband. He is caught in the middle, feeling torn between his children and you. There is no way out or easy solution for this.
Added to that, many separated parents carry tremendous guilt, so instead of setting boundaries with their children, they indulge them, which can give children an enormous amount of power.
This can often make everyone feel like they are walking on eggshells with these poor, fragile children.
Know this, evil stepmother: if you decide to stay, this is not an easy path. Your job is not to raise these children, nor to expect your boyfriend to change his behavior towards them; that will only lead to more unhappiness.
You can certainly encourage him to read books or, best of all, see a therapist to resolve these issues, but you can’t expect this to lead to change.
What you can do is support him and learn to support yourself in the face of his bad behavior. You can’t ask him to intervene, but you can and should set your own boundaries.
Know that rudeness and sullen behavior have nothing to do with you, but rather an outward expression of the pain these children feel.
You can be compassionate, and if they are rude to you, you can calmly and kindly tell them that while you are sorry for the pain they are feeling and regardless of how you contributed to that pain, you can’t talk to them about it when they are behaving like this. When they have calmed down, you will be happy to talk to them. Then retreat.
It is very easy to get entangled with others. Any behavior that you perceive as bad is an outward expression of your pain and has nothing to do with you.
Learn to protect yourself, instead of expecting your boyfriend, who is really stuck between a rock and a hard place, to do the work for you.
Buy the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin and know that you are not alone. Find a stepmom support group online. It’s a hard road, worth it for some and not for others. I send you my love and strength.