Dear Jane,
I recently started working in the marketing department of a bank and have been trying hard to make friends with my new colleagues.
My team is small and already very close-knit (they’re all girls), so it’s been hard to feel included. It’s almost like she’s back in high school and trying to be friends with the popular girls.
That’s why I was delighted when one of the girls invited me to have lunch with her a few weeks ago. We hit it off and have been taking coffee breaks together every few days ever since.
The only thing is that she is a great gossip and loves to talk about what is going on in the personal lives of all our coworkers. He definitely enjoys talking about other people’s drama.
Gossiping is certainly not something I enjoy, but since I’m still new to the company and since this girl seems to be everyone’s friend, I’ve continued to spend time with her for the sake of my social life. But I’m trying to be careful what I tell him, because I’m sure it won’t stay between the two of us.
And that’s why I was completely horrified when I accidentally sent him an extremely provocative photo last weekend.
You see, I had been out with my friends outside of work and had too many drinks, and I thought it would be a good idea to send a spicy photo to the guy I’m currently dating. I posed in lingerie, took a selfie, and then texted it to him. Or so I thought.
Dear Jane, I sent a dirty message to the worst person imaginable.
I assumed it was the most recent person I had texted, so it would be at the top of my chat history. But I hadn’t realized that my new co-worker girlfriend had texted me about some gossip moments before. I accidentally sent him the nude!
Obviously, I was mortified and immediately texted him again begging him not to tell anyone or share the photo. She quickly responded saying that I had nothing to worry about and that my secret was safe with her.
I went to work on Monday hoping they would forget about it. But I couldn’t help but notice that other members of my team were paying more attention to me and even looking at me differently.
I texted her after work on Monday to make sure she hadn’t said anything, and she assured me she hadn’t. But on Tuesday I got the same weird vibes from my colleagues.
Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I have a feeling she told people about the photo I sent her, and maybe even showed it to them. It seems like they are judging me.
Should I confront her again, or maybe even ask the others if there’s anything I should know? I don’t want this to ruin my reputation at work when I’m so new to the job, and I also don’t want it to ruin my chances of making friends with my coworkers. But I also need to know what happened.
Of,
Naked and scared
Dear naked and scared,
Before we get into the sexy pics, we need to talk about your gossipy coworker.
I guarantee you that the reason everyone seems to like him is not because of his great qualities, but because they are terrified of him.
The truth is that gossips can never be trusted. With anything. They love to stir the pot, spread news, and create drama. When someone enjoys speaking negatively and so openly about others, the only thing you can know for sure is that it will soon be your turn.
For me, gossip is a deal breaker in friendships. I once had a very close friend who loved to gossip. She would come and talk horribly about everyone we knew. Like you, I felt so uncomfortable that I tended to just listen, telling myself that if I didn’t contribute, everything would be fine. Except it wasn’t. I felt dirty every time I saw her, and sure enough, it was only a matter of time before I heard she was spreading rumors about me.
I ended that friendship and haven’t had a moment of regret since.
Choose your friends wisely. It’s very easy to quickly make new friends when you start a new job or move to a new country. But it is always advisable to take things slowly, allow people to fully reveal themselves before deciding to let them in.
While you may not be able to easily end this new friendship with your colleague, I strongly recommend that you keep her at arm’s length.
You can still be friendly, but stop spending every break with her. Think of it as relegating her to the rank of acquaintance instead of friend.
As for the lingerie photo, there is a strong possibility that she shared it.
But remember: if you felt good enough about the image to send it to someone via text in the first place, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. In fact, I would try to see the funny side. The next time you’re in a casual setting with your new colleagues, try telling mortifying stories and tell them how you accidentally texted a sexy photo to a coworker. Bringing it to light will make the problem go away, because shame can only survive in the darkness.
My last tip for you is a general one on how to send naughty pictures over text. Just don’t do it. Texting anyone with compromising images is always a terrible idea.
Dear Jane,
I’m part of a very close group of six friends, we’ve known each other since high school and we all moved back to the same city after graduating from college two years ago.
We all work during the day, but we spend most nights together playing video games, watching movies, going to bars to watch sports, or just relaxing and ordering food.
We’ve all dated a little here and there and had brief situations with girls, but none of us have ever been in a serious relationship.
A new girl started working at my company about six months ago, we hit it off immediately and started dating.
My friends didn’t care too much when it was only once or twice a week, but since it became official, she and I started spending a lot more time together.
I realized that my friends were upset that I wasn’t hanging out with them as much, so I decided to introduce them to my girlfriend and suggested we do things together.
But when we all went to the bar to watch a football game and they were so cold to her, basically ignoring her the entire time and acting like they were too involved in the game to chat.
I asked them what they thought of her after the game and they were all incredibly unenthusiastic. They didn’t say anything bad, but I could tell they didn’t love her and still don’t.
The complicated thing is that I love her and I want to spend time with her. This doesn’t mean I want to spend less time with guys, it’s just that my life would be a lot easier if we could all be friends.
After how rude they were to her, it’s no wonder my girlfriend doesn’t like them that much either. Now it seems like everyone hates each other and I’m stuck in the middle!
What should I do?
Of,
down bad
Dear Down Bad,
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if all our friends loved our partners and our partners loved all our friends?
It’s all too easy to have a romantic vision of a happy ending that is filled with mutual adoration for everyone in our lives.
Unfortunately, as you are discovering, this is simply not realistic in most cases.
When I was married, I liked many of my husband’s friends, although they weren’t people I would necessarily have chosen as friends. There were times when we all socialized together, but I was just as excited (and often happier) for my husband to go out to see his friends without me.
Relationships are always about compromise. A new partner inevitably brings a different dynamic to your existing friendships. If there isn’t a strong fundamental bond, you may end up seeing your old friends less, but it doesn’t have to be a binary choice either.
In your case, it may be that you are now at a point in your life where you are beginning to mature and settle into the next phase. While playing video games and visiting sports bars every night is fun when you’re in your twenties, it’s (hopefully) a phase that should come to an end as you forge more meaningful relationships.
Here you don’t have to put anyone in the middle. There should be room in your life for both your partner and your male friends, even if you don’t spend as much time with guys as they would like now.
If you are in a relationship that is becoming serious, the right thing to do is to give your girlfriend priority. No matter how mean your friends act, willpower adjust. If they can’t, talk to them and explain that you are not abandoning them, but that your life has simply changed. With any luck, they too will experience something similar very soon.