Dear Jane,
I’m starting to notice a pattern with the guys I date and starting to wonder if I attract unsavory men.
You see, my current boyfriend and I were on the couch watching TV the other night when he pulled out his bare feet and started picking at his toenails. If that wasn’t enough, he threw her remains on the carpet and didn’t clean them up. Luckily we were at his house and not mine. I haven’t always been so “lucky.”
My previous boyfriend would stick his nose in my bed and even though I yelled at him all the time, he kept “forgetting” and kept doing it.
Dear Jane: I’ve seen every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with criticize themselves at least once. How can I get my current boyfriend to stop picking his toenails?
I’ve definitely seen every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with criticize themselves at least once.
I’m really embarrassed to talk about this with my friends because I’m afraid they won’t relate and then they’ll think my boyfriends are gross and associate boys’ bad hygiene with me.
Is this normal child behavior? How can I make it stop?
Of,
Picked up
Dear chosen one,
By anyone’s standards, I’d say this is pretty poor behavior.
I’m not going to say that all men are self-disasters, but I do believe that most men will behave as badly as their partner allows them to.
Certainly, when it comes to picking your nose in bed, “forgetfulness” is simply not an acceptable excuse. But, if your worst reaction to his “forgetfulness” is to yell at him, you’ll have to think of something different.
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It’s a bit like yelling at children. We may think this is the way to get people to do what we want, but in the long run, all they end up hearing is noise and it doesn’t make the slightest difference.
Boundaries are key here. Tell your boyfriend that the next time he takes off his socks and starts dirtying your house with toenails (I feel a little bad just thinking about this), he’s going to have to leave. When he does this again (as he inevitably will), stand your ground and get him out.
Maybe you can turn it around (although this is quite circuitous). Start leaving your hair in the bathroom sink or shower drain. When he complains, explain that you normally practice proper hygiene, but if he doesn’t, why should you?
You have to enforce something that makes him understand that his behavior (not listening to you or respecting your wishes) will result in something unpleasant, like being kicked out of your house in the middle of the night or a messy bathroom.
Call it the Pavlovian method of dog training. Ivan Pavlov rewarded the dogs with food after ringing a bell. Over time, the dogs began to salivate at the sound of the bell. Similarly, train your boyfriend to recoil from the idea of upsetting himself.
On the other hand, if he is smart enough to keep his feet covered (which I think may be for the best), I’m sure you can think of an appropriate way to reward him that will cause him such delight that he will behave well in the future. .