DEAR JANE: A little argument over bridesmaids’ dresses is DESTROYING my family.

Dear Jane,

I desperately need your advice.

My only daughter is getting married in October, and in January all the bridesmaids went to pick out their dresses together. Since they all have different body types, my daughter suggested that they choose the style they felt most comfortable in, as long as the dresses were sleeveless and made of the same black chiffon fabric.

Both bridesmaids were going to wear the same sleeve design in a different color because my daughter wanted them to stand out and feel special.

Everyone picked out their dress and everyone seemed very happy with it, including my daughter.

But two months later, one of the bridesmaids, who was quite upset about not being chosen as a maid of honor, decided she wanted a change of style and, without consulting the bride, ordered a dress in exactly the same style as the bridesmaids’ dresses.

When my daughter found out, she told her she couldn’t do it because it wasn’t what she had envisioned for the bridal party look and insisted she go back to the original design.

At that point, the bridesmaid exploded and flatly refused to change her design.

Now, you might be wondering why the hell my daughter didn’t cut her out of the bridal party, but the fact is that the maid of honor in question is my niece. And she and my daughter have been close friends for years.

My daughter is furious and very upset by her cousin’s behavior, and my husband and I have no idea what we should advise her to do. My sister has already contacted her to defend my niece, insisting that my daughter is to blame for being “picky”, which made me very angry.

Now my niece is being very mean about the whole thing, and when my daughter called her on the phone last week to ask her again to change her design, she “accidentally” told her about a surprise couples party the family had been planning for her before the wedding.

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It may seem like a silly, small thing, but I’m really worried that this will turn into an all-out war in our family, which is the last thing I want just months away from the wedding.

Please help!

Of,

Dress wear

Dear Dress Distress,

It’s very disturbing how weddings often bring out the worst in people, and it would really be a shame if this caused a huge family fight.

These kinds of things get bigger and gain more traction as more people get involved, and there is momentum in this kind of bad behavior.

It probably won’t help if your sister calls you to accuse your daughter of being picky. In fact, I’d say this is an issue your daughter should work out with her cousin and everyone else should stay out of it.

This means that when your sister tries to discuss it with you next time, you will tell her that you agreed with your daughter not to discuss it with anyone, leaving it up to the two of them to sort it out.

I think it’s your daughter who needs to set the boundaries here. She needs to sit down with her cousin, tell her exactly why she’s so upset, and maybe let her know that she loves her and wants her to be involved, but that if her cousin can’t agree to her terms, she’ll have to, unfortunately, pull her out of the wedding party.

After that, let things go on as long as you and your daughter don’t talk about it with other family members. I hope everything goes well and that your daughter has a wonderful day.

Dear Jane,

My roommate and I have been living together for the past six months, and for the past three months, he has refused to take his bipolar medication, which has made our living situation truly miserable.

He’s always been pretty good at controlling his bipolar disorder, but something went wrong a while ago and it’s been a nightmare ever since.

He works from home and literally never leaves the house, he stays up all night making a lot of noise and his mood swings are getting really aggressive.

I don’t want to bring friends over anymore because I never know what I’m going to find when I get home, and being around someone with such erratic moods makes me feel constantly stressed.

I’ve tried to talk to him about it, I’ve tried to convince him to go back on his medication and even talk to a therapist or his parents about what’s going on, but he doesn’t want to.

After three months of this hell, I really want to ask him to move out so I can find another roommate and get back to normal life… but I feel so guilty for kicking him out when it’s so obvious that he needs support.

So what is the answer?

Of,

Fatal roommate

Dear Roommate Doom,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What an impossible situation, watching someone who clearly needs help deteriorate.

It’s clear that you care about him and I commend you for trying to talk to him, even when he hasn’t been willing to listen.

As hard as this is to hear, especially considering how much empathy and compassion you have, he is not your responsibility.

You don’t have to feel guilty about setting a boundary, which means sitting him down and telling him that unless he takes care of himself and continues taking his medication, he will have to move out.

Of course, offer to accompany him to his doctor if he wants support and you are willing to do so, but the rules don’t change.

You don’t have to go into details. As much as you want to help him, you have the right to protect your own peace.

This is a clear and simple limit, which he will accept or reject, after which you can notify him in writing.