Q Our dear son, who just turned 31, has no friends or girlfriend. He still lives with us, although he is saving up to buy his own house. I have encouraged him to join clubs with a view to meeting people, but it hasn’t worked. He doesn’t seem sad or depressed about it, although last week when we invited him to dinner for his birthday he was grateful because he said it was better than a table for one. This is the only time he has mentioned being lonely.
When he was younger, he didn’t have many friends, but that didn’t stop him from going to university, where he got a top grade in an academic subject. While there, he was diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia. He wanted to continue studying, but his plans fell through as he couldn’t find a job to pay for his studies.
He is very close to his sister, but she is married and lives many miles away. I was hoping he would see more of his cousins who live nearby, but they are married and have very busy lives. He now works for the civil service, but doesn’t socialise much outside the office. I have spoken to him about using dating apps, although I doubt he has done anything about it. I find it heartbreaking, but it doesn’t seem to bother my son. Am I worrying too much?
TO It’s very difficult for parents to see their children go through difficult times. Unfortunately, some people find it difficult to make friends. You say that your son doesn’t seem sad or depressed, but he does acknowledge that he would have been lonely on his birthday if it hadn’t been for you and your husband. So it might be worth asking him directly.
Can you think of anything that might stop them from making friends? For example, do they suffer from social anxiety? Sometimes people can talk too much when they are anxious or nervous. Others may think they need to impress by talking about themselves or their achievements when, in fact, the best way to make friends is to listen to the other person and show interest in them.
I also wonder if your son might be on the autistic spectrum. Dyspraxia and dyslexia can be indicators of this, as can isolation due to a difficulty adjusting. People who suffer from an autism spectrum disorder can often be loyal, honest, kind and fun to be around, so they are wonderful to have as friends. However, they often have difficulty “reading” people and the constant struggle to decipher what others are thinking can make it difficult to form deep friendships.
Contact the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) and Ambitious About Autism (ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk) for more information. Your child may also benefit from counselling (via relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk), which could help build their confidence to expand their social network.
I wasn’t invited to my mother’s funeral.
Q I have a loving wife, children and grandchildren, but I have a problematic relationship with my family of origin, which My mother’s death has culminated in me feeling marginalized and angry. My mother was always close to my sister, but I was the one who did all the heavy lifting if she needed help. My wife said I was being used.
Many years ago I was in a serious accident and after a few weeks my mother wanted me to help her as usual, but I was unable to do so. She never called me back or asked how my injuries were. My wife was horrified. A few years later a friend sent me the local newspaper. My mother’s name was in the “In Memoriam” section, with a message from my sister thanking the people who had attended her cremation three weeks earlier.
I was never informed. I have not seen my sister sinthat.
TO It must have been devastating to learn of your mother’s death in this way and not have had the opportunity to attend her funeral. It is clear from your longer letter that your sister was always a difficult person and that your mother was selfish. Her reaction after you were in an accident does not show any kind of motherly love.
But it is important to stress that your mother disappointed you not because of anything you did wrong or because of any fault of yours, but because of her own failure and inability to love. Sometimes this is due to hurt in someone’s past. Maybe your parents didn’t know how to express love.
I also think your sister has been jealous. You can’t change the past, but remember how much your wife and children love you, and take comfort in that.
If you have any problems, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Carolinmy_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets not being able to answer each one personally.