q My husband blames our failed marriage on the fact that we never have sex. However, he doesn’t realize that I don’t want sex because he is very selfish in bed. I was young and inexperienced when we got married and never enjoyed making love, although I did like being close to my husband.
As I’ve gotten older (I’m in my early 40s) and more confident, I realize that my husband has only ever been interested in his own pleasure. He just hopes that he enjoys sex because that’s what he wants. With others he is happy and fun, but at home he has no interest in doing anything together. We are becoming more and more distant and leading increasingly separate lives. He flatly refuses counseling.
TO Forgive my bluntness but I want you to hear this clearly: your husband is a bad lover and he blames you. Does that help put this into perspective? A good lover (man or woman) is someone who “makes love” with an emphasis on the loving part, making sure that their partner has as much pleasure as they do, not only physically but also emotionally. You don’t say when this started, but I’m guessing that, unfortunately, your marriage has been bad for a long time.
As hard as it is, I think you might be happier alone or (later) in a different relationship since, unfortunately, I think he’s already “left” the marriage. From what you say, it seems like he’s too cowardly to admit that it’s all over. Instead, he is sabotaging the marriage, perhaps unconsciously, so that you will end it for him. Since he refuses to go to counseling, go alone to have support in the next steps.
My pain is making our lives difficult
q My husband is a good and kind man who has put up with me a lot over the years. I am on the autism spectrum and while I have many positive things and, above all, a good mother to our teenagers, I know that I can also be short-tempered and cold. I had a difficult childhood because my parents didn’t know how to treat me. I would have meltdowns and my dad would scream while my mom cowered in fear. I was also bullied a lot for being smart, which didn’t go down well at a tough school. I’ve been more difficult than usual lately. My mother died a year ago and I have been depressed ever since. I can keep calm for the kids, but in other ways I haven’t been able to cope. At 49 years old, I had become close to my mother in recent years.
I realized how difficult it had been for her to raise me and my two brothers. My older brother is also on the spectrum. I’ve been crying a lot when the kids aren’t around and I can’t enjoy my hobbies. I know I have been taking it out on my husband, snapping at him or not giving him proper attention. I realize it’s pity, but he’s getting frustrated and I feel like I’m pushing him away. How can I stop acting like this?
TO You have had to face many challenges in life and the grief for your mother has clearly affected you greatly. The death of a parent is such a fundamental loss. As the cornerstones of our world, they are the foundation of our sense of security, and your mother’s death has likely brought back many difficult memories. Losing someone so important, but with whom you have had a troubled relationship, can also be difficult because it makes you aware of what you have been missing.
First of all, it’s wonderful that you felt compassion for your mother by understanding that things weren’t easy for her either, and this will help you in the long run. You need to extend this compassion to yourself. You might be creating your own pressure to do too much or feel like you should be “over” his death by now. However, grief is complex and often takes a long time to become less painful. Contact bereavement groups such as Cruse (cruse.org.uk) or Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) for support. Putting on a brave face for the kids may have left you tired, so take some time to rest, exercise, and process your grief.
Regarding your relationship with your husband, it is good that you recognize your own challenging behavior; This will make it easier to change. When you act badly, apologize and remember to treat him like the best friend he is. Try to make time for each other over the weekend, making a conscious effort to do things you enjoy. Couples therapy (relate.org.uk) is a good idea to help you both overcome these difficulties.