Q My ex-husband, who was recently widowed, has been very emotionally supportive. I don’t mind, but my second husband isn’t particularly happy. I’ve been with him for fifteen years, married for ten, and we’re very happy together. We met about five years after my divorce. My ex was having an affair, but we parted amicably and remain good friends.
To be honest, having an excuse to end the relationship was almost a relief. We got married practically straight out of school and after 20 years we had become like siblings. I feel very sad for him now. His late wife was lovely and a good stepmother to our now grown-up daughters. She died of breast cancer and my ex is devastated, he calls me almost every day and often comes to visit.
My husband is understanding (he usually gets along well with my ex), but he thinks he’s going too far. He says I need to try to stop him from being so dependent on me. I’ve told him it’s temporary, that my ex is grieving and that his dependency will lessen over time. There’s no chance we’ll ever get back together, but my husband is a little jealous. How can I stop them both from getting angry?
TO You seem like a truly good and loving person to support your ex in this way without wanting to upset your husband. I believe you when you say that you have no romantic interest in your ex; your generous acceptance and obvious fondness for his late wife shows that your relationship is a thing of the past. I also agree that his pain will be eased and his dependence on you will be lessened. But I understand that your husband is a little jealous. Your ex may not pose a sexual or romantic threat, but his closeness could be disconcerting.
Would it help if he could see your ex as a brother? Because that is what your relationship with him has become. Maybe that will make your husband reflect on your own closeness, which may have diminished with so many events. What he might also be sensing is the toll this might be taking on you. I am sure you are also grieving your ex’s late wife, who seems to have become a friend.
Then there is the loss your daughters are feeling. I suspect you may be carrying everyone’s grief for them, which could be overwhelming you. So continue to support your ex-husband, but also make sure he accesses help from one of the excellent bereavement charities, such as mariecurie.org.uk or cruse.org.uk. Make sure you set aside some “protected time” each week, just for you and your husband. Perhaps you can start a conversation with him about how to strengthen your own emotional connection, so that your marriage becomes the most important thing in your lives again.
YOUR MOTHER IS TOO STRICT FOR OUR CHILDREN
Q My mother-in-law has never been an easy woman. My husband and his siblings had an extremely strict upbringing and he says his childhood was largely unhappy. He now gets on well with his mother (who is in her 60s) but keeps her at a distance. As a father he is the complete opposite and very loving. However, our youngest son, now four, has just started school and I have gone back to work part-time.
My mother-in-law found out that my mother also does childcare and seems offended that we haven’t asked her too. But we just don’t want her to be the sole caregiver. She’s too harsh. Should I tell her? It’s hard to keep thinking of excuses.
TO It’s sometimes difficult to negotiate grandparental jealousy. Often, the daughter’s parents take on a bigger role, which can be difficult for the other partner. However, in this case, it sounds like you and your husband have every reason to keep the mother at arm’s length (assuming she hasn’t changed). You both have the right to decide who you want (and who you’re comfortable with) to care for your children. If you were alone with her, you’d spend your time worrying.
Your husband needs to have that conversation with her so that she doesn’t blame you. He can tactfully and kindly tell her that while he wants her to be involved in your children’s lives, he thinks it would be too difficult for her to handle them alone and that he would prefer it if he or you were there too. She may feel offended at first, but she will change her mind because ultimately the balance of power has shifted: she needs all of you more than you need her.