q I have been upset by the way my 17-year-old daughter has treated one of her best friends. My daughter has been defiant as a teenager, moody and sometimes rude. However, now she has crossed the line by stealing her best friend’s boyfriend. He had been with this girl for a few months and my daughter dismissed him as arrogant. But he’s handsome and I think that made his head turn. She’s only had one short relationship before, with a guy who cheated on her. Apparently my daughter and her friend’s boyfriend got together at a party when they were both drunk and now they are a couple.
Her former friend, whom I care about, is devastated and says she will never speak to my daughter again. Since this move has made her unpopular, I’m worried that other people will exclude her as well. I also don’t know how to talk to her boyfriend when he’s at our house. I met him before as part of my daughter’s friendship group and he seemed fine, although I shared his previous opinion that he was arrogant. I told my daughter that I don’t approve of their relationship, but I’m not sure if she has told her that. Although I can’t tolerate his behavior, I don’t think I can ban him from the house.
TO I understand how uncomfortable and upsetting this is for you. I agree with you about crossing a line. I’ve always felt that dating a friend’s ex seems disloyal, but ‘stealing’ a friend’s partner is a terrible betrayal. If they were truly in love and this relationship turned out to last, then perhaps there would be more justification, but that is not likely. I fear that his daughter will be hurt, as he will leave her for someone else, just as he left her friend. It’s hard to know why she acted this way, especially since she experienced the pain of being deceived herself. I hate to blame their youth, because many young people are charming, but sometimes teenagers can be selfish and make irrational decisions. I suspect that behind everything there is insecurity and unhappiness. Maybe she needed to prove to herself that she could get an attractive boyfriend to boost her self-esteem. Unfortunately, it’s probably only when her heart is broken that she will regret what she has done and realize how much she misses her friend. In the meantime, you’re right to share how upset you are because it’s important for her to get the message that we shouldn’t hurt others. For now, however, you can only accept the relationship, so treat them normally. It’s important not to alienate your daughter because she will need you when the inevitable happens. Making small talk with him probably won’t be a problem you’ll have for long!
Is your heart still with your ex?
q I am a man of about 40 years old. My 14 year marriage ended a little over a year ago due to my wife’s affair. I started dating a younger woman and thought maybe I could fall in love again. However, he was also previously in a long-term relationship. Her partner left her just before her wedding and a friend of hers told me she was devastated at the time. Now I hear this man feels he made a big mistake and wants her back. I also found out that she has been in contact with him, but says he is no longer important to her. I wonder if I should walk away because I can’t help but feel that she will come back to him, if not now, then someday.
TO This is complicated. Of course, he will have a hard time trusting again after his wife’s affair and the damage it caused to his marriage. So it’s a matter of untangling this from your girlfriend’s behavior.
I’m worried that you say you found out he had been in contact with his ex. If she didn’t provide the information voluntarily, this could be a red flag because she isn’t being open with you, which is very important for a relationship to work. Ask her to be honest. She needs to understand how much your wife’s infidelity has hurt you and that it would be unfair to you if she kept you waiting while she decided whether to get back with this man.
Sometimes it’s okay for people to stay friends with their exes, but in this case it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to ask them to end contact. If she doesn’t, it could suggest that she isn’t ready for a committed relationship with you.