q My husband and I have been happily married for almost 40 years and have two children in their 30s. While our daughter is in a loving marriage and has two little ones, our son is still single. He’s had a few relationships, usually short-lived, and although he always says he’s “madly in love” at first, they never last.
To be honest, we’ve found most of his girlfriends a bit boring. The only one we really liked, who was with him for almost three years, finally told us after she left that he was never going to get engaged. She desperately wanted children, but he didn’t, and she knew he would never change his mind. They remained friends and now she is married with young children. Our son even goes to see her and the kids sometimes and has become something of an uncle – he’s also a good uncle to his sister’s kids. I feel like he must regret not staying with this girlfriend.
However, he insists that he does not want the responsibility or cost of children, although he does say that he would like to have a partner. He has a decent career and often accepts short-term contracts abroad. He seems to thrive on the excitement of constantly being in a new situation. However, I am afraid that in the long run he will regret not having children and will have a lonely old age if he cannot commit.
TO I understand, but you should try to let go of your fears for your child’s future because that is only causing you stress. Yes, you may feel some sadness that your relationship with your ex ended because you seem to care a lot about her. However, that doesn’t mean he regrets his decision, as in the end they wanted different things.
For many people, the urge to have children is strong, but this is not the case for everyone. Please be honest with yourself and ask yourself to what extent this is due to concern that your child will be lonely in old age (for a long time!) or in part to your own desire for more grandchildren.
It sounds like he’s a little hooked on romance, falling madly in love at first and then interest wanes when he realizes they’re not the perfect woman of his imagination. There is some immaturity here. I suspect your son is full of charm and has always found it easy to attract women. This, along with the problem of online dating (someone new always showing up), could have contributed to this reluctance to commit. I’d be worried if you thought this meant he didn’t treat women well, but since he’s still great friends with his ex, I hope that’s not the case.
Try to relax. He is a kind uncle, a loving son and a good friend. As long as you are not unhappy, your partner can accompany you when your child is ready.
IS HE EXPLOITING OUR OLD MOTHER?
q I’m tired of my sister taking advantage of our mother’s kindness. My sister married late and has children under ten years old, while mine are adults. He lives close to our mother and she and her husband still ask him to babysit and pick up the kids from school three times a week, which is too much. My mother, a widow, is in fairly good health but she is 79 years old and my sister forgets it.
I asked Mom how she felt about being so involved and she admitted that she would like to do less. I urged him to tell my sister this, but he doesn’t want to upset her. They haven’t always had the easiest relationship. I would talk to my sister myself, but I know she would just get defensive.
TO Your sister is clearly difficult territory and, yes, it sounds, unfortunately, as if she would take any approach from you as an attack. However, since your mother hasn’t had the easiest relationship with her, it’s understandable that she doesn’t want to cause problems in case it affects her closeness with her grandchildren. You may also be worried about “giving in” to old age. If older people abandon their normal activities, they may feel anxious or depressed about no longer being useful. But I do think you’re right to protect her a little.
So maybe just tell your sister (or her husband, if that’s easier) that your mom seems tired these days and that you’re worried about her. This will lay the groundwork for a more direct approach if necessary. In the meantime, continue helping your mother develop the confidence to tell your sister that it’s too much. If nothing changes, you may need to be a little more direct with your sister about your concerns.