Q I’m a woman in my 40s and I’m worried about a good friend of mine who I’ve known since college. He seems to be having a hard time coping after his wife left him with the kids. I’m also worried that they’ll be affected by his resentment toward his ex. She seemed great when they first dated – funny, pretty, vivacious – but now I think she was a gold digger. Everything was going well until they had their first child. She then began to complain that they no longer went on exotic holidays and things got worse after the birth of her second child.
A year ago, she suddenly left him for a rich man. My friend He now hates his ex, doesn’t want her back, and is trying to make her life as difficult as possible. He refuses to talk to her when she picks up or drops off the kids. I think he’s also fighting with her about money. I understand how angry he is, but I’m Worried that it is affecting the children. Her oldest son, who is 11, seems off. I have tried to talk to my friend, but he refuses to let me I realized that I shouldn’t talk about all this with his ex-wife, even though she has never liked me; maybe it’s jealousy, but I’m happily married, so I was never a threat.
TO Your friend’s ex-wife seems materialistic and selfish. If exotic vacations were our only concern, life would be a piece of cake. What a shame she couldn’t put the kids first. It can be hard to support someone who is set on a particular path, and your friend seems to have invested all of her energies in revenge, preventing her from seeing a more sensible option.
I think you already know that talking to her ex is not a good idea. Even though she may not see you as a sexual threat, she may have been jealous of your emotional closeness. Also, she doesn’t seem trustworthy and would certainly twist your words. He would see it as a huge betrayal when your intervention inevitably affected him.
Some will say that it is unwise to interfere, but I agree that his desire for revenge could harm his children. You have tried to talk to him, but I suspect that you have done so delicately. As you are a trusted and long-standing friend, you may run the risk of being more insistent. So explain to him that you are worried, particularly about his eldest son; that you fully understand his anger (you feel for him too), but that ultimately it will only hurt him and his children. He needs to find a way to hide his bitterness in front of them.
Try to persuade him to contact you. divorce.wikivorce.com either friendly.io to discuss trying mediation and a less confrontational separation. You are a good friend and I hope he listens. In the meantime, I doubt his ex-wife’s new relationship will last.
I AM SURPRISED BY WHAT I FOUND ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Q I work three days a week in a small office and recently had to attend a meeting. One day when I normally wouldn’t have been home. Logging into one of the computers I share, I found a porn site open. My colleague must have been watching it the night before and forgot to close it, not realizing it would be there the next day. It wasn’t anything illegal, but still, it’s clearly against office rules and I’m A little scared. It seems As a nice guy, although now I see him as a sleazy guy. I don’t know if I should talk to him. about how uncomfortable it made me feel or going to see my boss.
TO I am not a fan of pornography. While on a milder level it can be harmless, it can, however, be a form of exploitation of the “actors” who engage in it. Addiction to it can ruin relationships. What’s more, pornography is also now so prolific that it is affecting the way young men view sex, colouring their attitudes about how women should act and look, which I find worrying. So I understand why you think differently about your colleague. But leaving aside rights and moral wrongs, it is clearly against office rules to view pornography on a work computer.
I wonder if perhaps your colleague didn’t close the browser because he wanted you to see it. You don’t know how he’ll react if you talk to him and it’s best not to put yourself in that situation. That’s why I think you should talk to your boss, but ask him to assure you that they won’t tell your colleague that the information originated from you. IT support could have “accidentally” discovered it while doing some digital housekeeping.
If you have any problems, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets not being able to answer each one personally.