q I am 59 years old and recently found out that I contracted a sexually transmitted infection (fortunately it is treatable and I am recovering). I feel stupid and ashamed because I could be one of two men.
I lost a lot of confidence after my husband left me three years ago for another woman; He had gained so much weight that he said he didn’t like it anymore. It was the worst moment of my life, but it gave me the drive to get in shape. So I changed my diet, started weight training and yoga, and lost three kilos. It was wonderful to feel attractive again (and attract the attention of men) and it went to my head.
I started a relationship with a man at the gym, which didn’t last because it turned out he was seeing other women. However, at the same time, I also had a one-night stand when I went on vacation with my friends. The problem is that I have no idea which man gave me the STI. I wouldn’t know how to contact the second man, but I know I should tell the man at the gym, for his sake and to avoid the risk of it spreading. I would never have behaved like this in the past and I am very ashamed. I’m also worried that he’ll get angry.
TO I am relieved to know that your sexually transmitted infection can be treated, as STIs can be very serious and even fatal. It should be physically uncomfortable, scary and disturbing. But there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
Unfortunately, STIs continue to rise in the UK (UKHSA estimates put the figure at around 400,000 reported cases in 2023, a five per cent increase on the previous year) and a not insignificant number of them belong to the generation former. . Unfortunately, because there can be stigma around sex and people over 50, people often don’t discuss their sexual health with a potential partner. Additionally, post-divorce women who are past childbearing age may not consider the other risks of unprotected sex. You are only guilty of being naive. However, there is nothing morally wrong with what you have done.
Women are allowed to enjoy sex and you needed that boost to your self-esteem: to feel desired again. That being said, it is important to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. While some people may enjoy no-strings-attached sex (at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I think that mostly applies to men), women may find that the lack of emotional connection leaves them feeling empty. As for the man at the gym, he has no right to be angry; It is much more likely that he gave you the STI because he had several partners. So she musters up the courage to tell him calmly to protect other women. I hope you are responsible and tell your partners.
Why doesn’t your daughter accept our relationship?
q I got divorced five years ago after finally leaving my controlling and unfaithful husband. For a long time I was nervous about starting a new relationship, but now I have fallen in love with a colleague. He is a kind, charming man whose wife died five years ago and we had been office friends for years.
However, his 14-year-old daughter is furious that her father is dating again. I had seen her several times (before we got together) and she was always sweet. But now he says it’s disgusting that his dad is watching me, that he should always have liked me, and that it’s a betrayal of his mom. I don’t want this to end, but his anger is very disturbing. Her father is trying to support us both but she doesn’t listen. His son, 11 years old, has no problems with me.
TO It seems as if his potential stepdaughter is still deeply grieving for her mother and would perhaps hate anyone her father dated. She clearly believes that he always truly loved you, even when his mother was alive, and she’s not old enough to understand that that’s not how relationships develop.
This problem will take time, love and patience, but don’t give up. Their anger is particularly hard on you because you had to constantly deal with your ex’s behavior. You may need support through counseling (see bacp.co.uk). It is difficult to lose a mother at such a young age and she will have a much stronger memory of her than her partner’s son (who would only be six years old). Perhaps seeing you with his father will trigger strong memories and he will need more help to cope with his pain. So contact the wonderful bereaved children’s charity winstonswish.org for support.