q In my youth I met a girl who was the love of my life, but we couldn’t make it work and we broke up. But I couldn’t forget her and, after a couple of years, I called her. When we met, she told me that she always felt like we had something special and that she was falling in love with me again. Although she was seeing someone, it didn’t work out and we started dating. But one night when we were out, she was told that her boyfriend had tried to kill himself and she ran out to be with him. I never saw or heard from her again and later I found out that she had moved abroad.
After a few years, they gave me his address and I wrote to him explaining how I still felt. She responded that our relationship was part of growing up and that, although it was difficult for her to express it, if I read between the lines I would know what she meant.
Eventually I married someone else. We have been together for more than 40 years and have children and grandchildren. However, now that I am 60 years old, I have thought about my former love every day of my marriage. My feelings, more intense than ever, cause me to have bouts of depression and I often think about contacting her again.
TO I’m sorry you feel so depressed about this. First loves often leave powerful imprints on us because they are our first experience of romantic euphoria. However, your feelings for her are not healthy. Sometimes this is called limerence: an infatuation that is overwhelming but does not necessarily return.
First love can also be a fantasy. You had all the hopes and dreams of a future but without the worries and responsibilities. Having the luxury of looking each other in the eye and staying up talking all night is very different from, say, worrying about a sick child or dealing with a broken dishwasher, as would happen in a long-term marriage.
Because it ended so abruptly, the relationship was never resolved, which has allowed those heady early days of passion to still dominate your thoughts. It’s sad that you’ve spent 40 years – your entire marriage – thinking about her, and it must be painful for you to miss her. But it’s even sadder for your wife; You don’t mention how you feel about her, but I wonder if this longing has kept you from fully investing in your marriage.
Your depression could be related to a feeling of regret about the direction of your life, in contrast to what you expected it to be. So maybe your feelings for this woman are not just a longing for her, but an ache for your younger self.
Never tell your wife that you have been thinking about your first love all this time. However, I think you need to talk to someone, so see your GP about depression and also try getting advice from bacp.co.uk or betterhelp.com.
Will a medium help me deal with my pain?
q My mom died a little over a year ago. He was 86 years old and was in poor health. I am 60 years old and I feel like I should get over her loss, but I was so close to her that I can’t stop thinking about the injustice of everything she suffered in life.
My dad was an alcoholic and I remember terrible arguments while I was growing up. I don’t think he ever hit her, but she became withdrawn and lacking confidence. My father passed away 20 years ago, which gave her some relief, but she remained unhappy.
Since my mother died I keep crying and wishing I could see her again. A friend recommended a medium who, she said, had brought her messages from her father and this had helped her find peace.
I don’t believe in them though.
TO I don’t think a medium is what you need. You are not only grieving for your mother, but also for yourself and the happy childhood you never had, something that many people might take for granted, but which, unfortunately, is not everyone’s experience.
It must have been difficult to see your mother’s continued unhappiness after your father’s death, and this has affected you greatly. I hope you were able to break the pattern (sometimes children whose parents have difficult relationships may be drawn to repeat the familiar). Maybe you also felt helpless to make your mother happy, but it’s too much responsibility for you.
Counseling, perhaps long-term, would help you process these emotions, so try the resources in the letter above. You should also consult your GP because I think you suffer from depression.