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Our brilliant agony aunt Bel Mooney has answered thousands of letters from readers. But what if the rich and famous turned to her incomparable advice to solve their problems? In a new column starting today for Mail+, we imagine, ironically, what those letters might say and Bel gives her response as she would any other reader. Stars: listen up!
Dear Bel,
I hope you can help with a complicated family dispute. Almost six years ago, after years of being single, I married a beautiful, intelligent and successful American woman, with whom I now have two children. Unfortunately, however, I felt that my family did not like her and, finally, despairing of their treatment of her, I moved with my family to the United States to forge a new life away from the drudgery at home. Relationships with my family deteriorated further (both my wife and I have said very unflattering and damaging things about them) and now we barely see each other. However, I just received news that two of them are seriously ill. Should I let bygones be bygones and forget my resentment towards them, or has the damage already been done?
Yours,
Harry
Prince Harry and Meghan photographed during their interview with Oprah Winfrey, in which they made several comments about the royal family.
Dear Harry,
How to forgive is – very, very often – the worst problem within a family. Too often, both sides in a dispute think they are right and will not back down an inch from that adversarial stance. So I’m interested that you seem to take the blame, admitting that both you and your wife have said horrible things about your family in the past, but without providing any details of equally bad things your family has said publicly about you.
Therefore, I can only assume that they have remained silent. And I’m afraid that would lead any neutral person to deduce that all the aggression – the bitterness process – is coming from you and your beautiful wife. It’s a great shame.
In my experience, family disputes are often made much worse by the in-laws’ involvement in the case. Honestly, I have received many letters from parents (and siblings) sad and desperate because their once loving son (or brother) seems to be led around by his new wife. The pain can be terrible.
It is as if the wife, no matter how loving she is, instinctively wants to distance her husband from the family that loves him. I’ve always believed that a deep insecurity (even jealousy) causes this desire, but whatever the cause, she is very reckless in turning the blood “bad.” Because at some point most people separated from their families discover that they secretly long to reconcile. To return to the family nest. So if by now dear relatives become seriously ill, that is surely the cue to swallow your pride, get off that self-righteous self-righteousness, and whisper, “I’m so sorry.” Those simple words become increasingly difficult to say as time goes by.
Serious illnesses should make us all understand how short time is. Now, the double blow of your worrying news should be the time for a real rapprochement. The vital question is: do you really feel it? You can only be forgiven if your repentance is genuine and honestly expressed. But that takes courage. The way I read it, those dear sick members of your once-close family didn’t say “unflattering and hurtful things” about you and your wife, so now is the time for you to be brave and show that you care about them. It occurs to me that it would be wise to allow your wife to think that this is her own idea. Perhaps you could make him understand that true repentance, expressed publicly, can be a beautiful thing and attract widespread praise. Can the past ever really be the past? No, because harsh words and lies are never forgotten, but if you are very lucky, they may be forgiven.