Earlier this month, prominent television host Tucker Carlson successfully interviewed Vladimir Putin and established that the Russian president wants, above all, to bring peace and a sense of community to the people of Ukraine.
And now Carlson has scored a second scoop, an exclusive interview with another much-maligned figure: Jaws, the world-famous shark.
Carlson: Mr. Shark, thank you for granting me this interview. I know this has been a very busy period for you, so I am very grateful to you for taking the time.
Shark: No problem, Tucker. You’re right, I’ve been very busy bringing peace and reconciliation to Amity Island. But believe me, it’s worth it, just to see all those people shouting with joy when I stop by to say hello.
TV host Tucker Carlson successfully interviewed Vladimir Putin
The American political commentator has landed an exclusive interview with another much-maligned figure: Jaws, the world-famous shark.
Carlson: Tell me, Mr. Shark…
Shark: Just call me Shark.
Carlson: Wow, thanks, Jaws. So tell me, Jaws, to what do you attribute the bad press you’ve been getting lately?
Shark: I’ll give you a brief historical background.
Carlson: Please.
Shark: Let’s look at the historical relationship between the shark community and Amity. In the year 862, the Amity Islanders invited the great shark Toothi to become their mayor.
The next very significant date is the year 988, when Im Plant, Toothi’s great-grandson, began uniting the townspeople of Amity with the shark community, and did so by consuming them.
Carlson: Consume them?
Shark: Yes, and they were very happy to be consumed. Because? Because they realized that they would be transported across the oceans more quickly and efficiently than ever before.
I have here old transcripts from leading shark historians attesting to the delight of the citizens of Amity when the sharks approached. Can I quote it?
“Never did the people of Amity run as fast as when they first saw shark fins.”
You will see! They ran to greet their liberators!
Carlson: Although mainstream media commentators would probably argue that these people were running from sharks, not towards them.
Shark: Nonsense! The word Amity originally meant “Shark Lovers.” You see, from the year 1294 onwards, sharks were welcomed as prominent members of the Amity community.
The postman was a shark, the baker was a shark, the mayor was a shark. They were very hardworking. Yes, those sharks really got to work.
Carlson: That was in 1294. Can I take you back to the present day?
Shark: Wait! I’m getting to that! But first we have another 800 years to explain. Then, in the year 1295, the great shark Peg decided that it would be best for all the Amity Islanders to have their legs cleanly torn off.
He knew how much they liked to stay in one place and so, in a kind spirit of cooperation, he did everything he could to help them achieve this ambition.
Carlson: Fascinating. [glances at his watch]. So if I could ask you to fast forward to the year 1975.
Shark: But I haven’t yet informed you of all the contributions to Amity’s economy made by the SBF…
Carlson: That’s the Shark Benev-olent Fund.
Jaws: …over a period of 600 years or more. We contribute a lot to the local economy. Humans traveled from far away to swim in the same sea as us.
Carlson: And then in 1975, American-backed companies made the feature film Jaws.
Poster for the film Jaws, directed by Steven Spielberg in 1975.
Jaws: Not a Feature Film: Total Propaganda! A provocation, and a cheap provocation at that! The United States controls all the media in the world!
Carlson: Did you feel that the portrayal of you was unfair in any way?
Shark: You bet it is! They made me out to be some kind of deadly predator. But I was just having a little fun. Okay, I may have eaten a little, but when was it a crime to enjoy eating out?
Carlson: Any other message you want to give to our viewers?
Shark: ‘I would like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.’
Carlson (joining in): ‘I’d like to hold him in my arms and keep him company!’ Beautiful!
Shark: Are we done there or is there something else?
Carlson: No, I think that’s great. Thank you for your time, Mr. Shark.