Caroline Calloway films herself sobbing during a depressive episode
Caroline Calloway has opened up about what it’s like to have a major depressive episode, explaining that she gets so desperate that she’s broken and consumed by existential questions about why she lives.
The 28-year-old influencer, who was candid about her struggles with depression, anxiety and Adderall addiction, took to Instagram stories to share emotional videos of herself sobbing and describing her grief.
“I never remember what it feels like to feel so sad when a depressive episode is over,” she explained clips. “That sadness feels so far away, so I thought I would make a video to record what I feel now.”
Vulnerable: Caroline Calloway, 28, shared emotional videos of herself sobbing and describing her grief during a depressive episode this week
“Maybe if someone else is in this position or goes through these cycles with their mind, they can relate to this and feel less alone,” she added.
Caroline, who has over 702,000 followers, admitted she might wake up the next day and wonders what she thought by posting the images of herself in such a fragile state.
The videos show her trying to hold back tears as she expresses how she feels during a depressive episode.
“The desperation now feels like something has been broken the way I was made, I’m just not as good as other people at handling like normal days – but also just about every difficulty in the world,” she said.
“If I were a God who designed people, I just wouldn’t make them like me …I don’t know why I’m here, ”she admitted. “As if that’s not a good design. The others clearly work better. ‘
Frank: In the clips, she explained that she was so desperate that she felt ‘broken’ and consumed by existential questions about why she lives
When she later posted the videos to her Instagram page, she shared some of the positive comments she received from fans who could comment.
‘I was going through a depressive / PTSD episode last night and when I got into bed crying I watched your story and saw those videos and immediately started crying MORE but because I felt like that and finally knew I wasn’t was the only one, “said one person.
“Thanks for sharing this,” said another. “I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time, and it always helps to hear other people talk about going through the same thing.”
In the caption, she emphasized that her depressive episode had nothing to do with the recent backlash she encountered after performing on Instagram Live in comedian Ziwe’s series Baited.
During the show, Ziwe asks direct questions related to race and racism, often causing guests to say racist, ignorant or otherwise questionable things.
Kickback: In follow-up videos, she admitted that the constant criticism she receives sometimes casts doubt on her mental health
Understand: The social media star said her depression is part of the reason she was addicted to Adderall for four years
‘I can’t emphasize this point enough: it’s been two weeks ago since I’ve had my life at @ziwef and I’m FINE, yes, PROUD of the art and comedy we made together’, she wrote.
“I cried for my stories last night because I’m depressed and my stupid brain is always skewed toward sadness and suicide. I’m open about that, but I’ll never show you what it looks like. Good? It looks like this. Not cute! I know.
“Sometimes it happens on days that go perfectly. Sometimes it happens on days when tweets that call me a racist Nazi go viral, “she noted. “The circumstances don’t really matter. My depression is just doing its own thing and this is that thing. ‘
The storyteller and artist is somewhat infamous in the social media world and is known for making headlines. She was dubbed a ‘scammer’ last year after her failed creativity workshops that cost $ 165 per person.
More recently her former best friend Natalie Beach opened up about their tumultuous relationship in an all-encompassing essay, saying she was essentially Caroline’s ghostwriter. The revelation sparked an audience back and forth between the two writers.
UYnrelated: Caroline insisted the depressive episode had nothing to do with the recent backlash she faced following her appearance on comedian Ziwe Baited’s show
Caroline returned to her Instagram stories the day after her depressive episode to better explain how she feels when someone strikes.
“That’s a depressive episode for me. Sometimes they last all day, sometimes it’s just a really hard night, sometimes they go on for a few days, “she said.
“I feel like it has seizures or a split personality disorder, but what I can’t control is when my body fills with despair. It is not even sorrow; it is certain that I will die alone in a room and that even living a second longer is a burden.
It is also obsessed with all these existential questions such as: why am I here? Why am I so faulty? “Why do I have to go through life when I am less able? ‘
Caroline explained that now that she was feeling better, she was ready to start her day and that those questions no longer seem that important.
“It’s strange how those questions can sometimes vague interest me, and other times they just obscure the sun and just become my whole world.”
Opening up: Caroline said influencers rarely share stories that are ‘messy and unfinished and still going on’
Purpose: “The only thing that makes my depression meaningful is making it meaningful to others, so I hope it makes you feel less alone,” she said.
The social media star said her depression is part of the reason she was addicted to Adderall for four years.
“It’s an upper that sparks interest in what you do and euphoria,” she explained. “So you can see how someone can take a bunch of amphetamines to ward off a depressive episode.”
She admitted that the constant backlash she received sometimes casts doubt on her mental health, including her Adderall addiction and depression.
“I doubt the reality of my depression because people tell me that I am just toxic or manipulative or that I get what I earn or that I falsify it or that I am defensive, and frankly it affects me,” she said. ‘I feel bad because I feel bad. ‘
Caroline noted that while it has become normal for influencers to share sad stories on Instagram, it is rare for people to tell stories that are “ messy and unfinished and still going on. ”
“It’s like you can only share the mess when there’s a tidy end, and there’s really no tidy end to this story,” she said.
“The only thing that makes my depression meaningful is getting things out that are meaningful to others, so I hope it makes you feel less alone.”