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I once had a boyfriend who I’ll call Paul, not because that’s his name, but because almost 25 years after we dated, I’m still too afraid to call him by his real name.
Paul was exceptionally handsome, funny and charming, but he was also quite abusive, in a way that at the time I couldn’t accept.
He would turn around without warning. One moment he was the epitome of charm and the next he was ranting and raving in a state of fury that only dissipated after he had resorted to physical violence: a broken chair, a smashed glass and finally my arm, slammed against a door.
Luckily, it only left me with a few scrapes and some residual pain, but as I cried in shock, he threatened to call an ambulance, his tone suggesting I was overreacting and that I was the problem.
On another occasion, I came home from work with a bottle of wine for us to enjoy, but unbeknownst to me, Paul had lost his keys, and when I turned the corner to find him pacing furiously up and down the driveway, it was immediately clear to me that it had been my fault.
He ripped the bottle out of my hand and smashed it against the steps. Then he emptied my purse onto the floor, grabbed my keys, shoved me through the door, and ripped a necklace from my neck. It had been a present from my mother for my 21st birthday a few weeks ago, and now it lay in pieces on the floor, looking as fragile as her temper.
The next morning, I woke up with bruises on my upper arms that were shaped like his fingers and a boyfriend who was full of remorse. He immediately ran out to buy me a new necklace.
That night, while hanging out with my friends, I put on a long-sleeved shirt to hide the bruises and the new necklace to hide the abuse. “I broke it last night in a drunken stupor,” I explained to my friends, “and Paul surprised me by buying me a new one! How cute is he!”
Zara McDermott said she did not report the training room abuse she received from her Strictly dance partner Graziano Di Prima, pictured with her, at the time because she was “scared of being shamed”.
Zara had dreamed of being on the BBC’s top entertainment show, but it all went wrong
I didn’t know what was worse: his abuse or my attempts to cover it up and paint him as some kind of hero. I excused his behavior because my self-esteem was so low that I thought I was somehow responsible for it.
Paul could be so charming and so genuinely remorseful that I wrongly assumed he wouldn’t behave this way if it weren’t for me. I was to blame for his outbursts and if I could just be a little calmer, a little more restrained, a little less talkative, there wouldn’t be any problem. Right?
I was reminded of that moment in my life when I read Zara McDermott’s statement about her experiences on Strictly and why she was too afraid to make a complaint at the time.
Her dance partner Graziano Di Prima was this week sacked by the BBC over his behaviour towards Zara, and admitted kicking her during their training. The actor has said he is “deeply sorry” about what happened and said his “intense passion and determination to win may have affected my training regime”.
“So much of my experience on Strictly was everything I could have dreamed of,” Zara wrote on Instagram. “It was amazing working with the entire production team and everyone behind the scenes, as well as my fellow contestants.”
‘However, my experience inside the training room was very different. There have been reports made about the treatment I received on the show and there were witnesses to some events as well as videos of particular incidents that are incredibly distressing to watch. I have struggled with the fear of opening up – I was afraid of the public backlash, I was afraid of my future, I was afraid of being shamed.’
His words landed with a thud right to the center of my chest because even though our experiences were not identical, I knew exactly what he was talking about.
I remember working up the courage to tell an older friend about Paul’s behaviour. Her response? “Well, Bryony, you can be a bit of a cheater.”
Graziano was sacked by show bosses a week ago after video evidence of his behaviour was revealed to BBC investigators.
Zara and Graziano doing their Halloween week dance on Strictly
Years later, when I was finally free (he broke up with me for “humiliating” him by talking to someone at a party), I was asked that horrible question: “Why did you stay?”
Actress Rebecca Humphries responded brilliantly in her memoir of the same name, in which she explored how she ended up normalising her boyfriend Seann Walsh’s toxic behaviour (ironically, Rebecca eventually broke up with him when he was photographed kissing her Strictly co-star at Rebecca’s birthday in 2018). She writes that “dating someone who hurt her… fuelled her own sense of not being good enough”.
And that’s the truth: we stay because we think it’s all we deserve.
But we also stay in toxic relationships, both personal, as in Rebecca’s case, and professional, as in Zara’s case, because we learn that we shouldn’t make a fuss.
My blood ran cold when old Instagram posts of Zara and Di Prima making light of her coaching techniques surfaced, because it reminded me of how easy it is to fool a woman who has been raised in a culture that so often teaches women to fool themselves.
“Don’t be so dramatic!” is a refrain most of us have heard as children, and one Amanda Abbington heard as an adult when she dared to leave Strictly due to the difficult time she had with her partner, Giovanni Pernice. In these circumstances, it’s easy to see why Zara chose to remain silent.
I am so relieved that people have finally spoken out in Zara’s favour, and I hope she is okay.
As for Paul… well, the last time I heard from him was about 17 years ago, when he sent me an ominous text message out of the blue to tell me that no one would ever love me the way he had.
“Thank God for that,” I thought, deleting the message. I blocked his number and left the shame where it belonged: with him, not with me.
Empty nest syndrome strikes at age 11!
I sympathise with Fay Ripley, who joked that she intended to breastfeed her grandchildren to cope with the pain of her children leaving home. But her children are now grown, while my daughter is only 11 and in her last week of primary school. I am already wondering through tears how I will cope when she leaves school in seven years’ time. Is there such a thing as ‘early empty nest syndrome’?
Bryony is already feeling the ‘early empty nest syndrome’ even though her daughter Edie is only 11 years old
A vital step for mental health
It is amazing news that the Mental Health Act is finally being reformed, after the Conservatives failed to deliver on their endless promises to do so. These changes will make a huge difference to some of the most vulnerable people, and at just the right time.
But there is more to do, as anyone who has tried to access help will know.
Let’s hope this is the start of something different: a government that actually acts on mental health, rather than just talking about it.
Clinic of trust
Long live Penny Lancaster, who has stood up for older women by sporting a barely-there bikini on holiday in Sardinia! I’m of the opinion that the older you get, the less you should care, so you should wear smaller swimsuits… until, hopefully, you’re 94 and sitting on a nudist beach in the south of France!
Penny Lancaster, aka Mrs. Rod Stewart, soaks up the sun on vacation
The NHS is looking at the possibility of rolling out easy-to-use Pap tests, which could lead to 400,000 extra cervical cancer checks a year.
We know that uptake of screening tests has been declining, partly because they can be very unpleasant for some people. This new cotton bud-like swab has been in use across Europe for some time, so why have we had to wait so long?