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My husband and I have a secret that we like to keep hidden from public view.
It’s not that we’re swingers or Morris dancers, although Lord knows we feed this information with the same levels of furtive shame as a husband and wife whose hobby consists of energetically dancing with strangers when no one’s looking.
It’s more that we like to maintain the illusion that we are a nice, normal couple; the kind you might want to invite over for dinner or a cup of tea.
So here goes, but please keep it between us: my husband and I do not sleep together. At least not in the same bed.
We haven’t shared one since a particularly difficult weekend in 2015, when a stay at an elderly aunt’s house forced us to squeeze into a small double room, under scratchy blankets: a sweaty night kicking us in the ribs, leaving us swearing never to do it again. frightening. experience ever again.
“It’s not you, it’s the bed,” I grumbled to my husband the next morning, when I woke up looking (and feeling) like something out of a horror movie.
“Well, actually it’s you, and particularly your snoring, but I’ll forgive you as long as I sleep well tonight.”
‘Says the woman who spent the whole night writhing in her sleep!’
‘How dare you!’ I gasped. ‘I didn’t fall asleep even once!’
Bryony Gordon with her husband Harry on their wedding day
So, for the sake of our marriage, we decided to get a sleep divorce, rather than a proper divorce, and it worked out pretty well for us, since almost ten years later, we are still legally, and very happily, married, enjoying a regular life. marital relationships (my bedroom is the chosen place; my bed has a mattress topper, yours does not).
I love my husband, you know, and I think he’s terrible (at least when he remembers to take out the bins and empty the dishwasher). It’s just that, despite all this, I absolutely don’t want to share a bed with him.
Why do I admit this now? Because a few days ago it was revealed that so-called sleeping divorces, in which couples are very close but choose to sleep apart, are on the rise.
According to new research, one in 20 homeowners say they have remortgaged so they can move to a larger home or extend the one they live in to meet the need for two marital bedrooms. In London, where the stresses of modern life are believed to be most acute, that figure rises to one in ten.
This made me feel much better about my own sleep divorce, which I tend to keep to myself for fear of being bombarded with phone numbers of marriage counselors from couples who think sleeping in separate beds is the death sentence for anyone. relationship.
I’m pretty sure it’s the opposite in our case, but try explaining it to people who like to sleep hugging their partner, their limbs intertwined in a romantic display of what they believe true love is.
When we started our dream divorce, we didn’t actually have a spare bedroom, as we lived in a small two-bedroom apartment with a child.
But my husband, who was of tough military stock, could fall asleep in a haystack during a hurricane, so he gladly crawled onto the daybed in the living room, only complaining once when he woke up to find a mouse crawling over it. his face. (It was even better than waking up to find myself kicking him, he joked at the time. Or, at least, I think he joked.)
When we moved into a real house with three bedrooms, my mother was excited at the prospect of having a place to stay in London. But it wasn’t like that. The guest bedroom quickly became my husband’s unofficial bedroom, the place he would crawl to once we said goodbye.
For years, we scrimped and saved in the hopes of being able to renovate the loft, so we could finally entertain while maintaining our divorce from the dream.
And so last year we finally got a renovation done which resulted in us now officially having separate bedrooms, with separate closets and different color schemes and, most important of all, separate beds and duvets.
He doesn’t have to deal with my insomnia and I don’t have to deal with the tinny voices coming through his headphones while he tries to listen to a podcast about serial killers.
We’re in our 40s now: beds are places to spend the night sleeping, not a place to contort our bodies while trying to impress each other with our sexual prowess.
In the morning we are well rested, energized, and much more willing to engage in the kind of intimate activities that bond a relationship. We have given each other the greatest gift of all: the chance to be starfish all night in the center of a super king bed that belongs only to us.
Divorces during sleep were the norm until the 1950s.
In many parts of Europe, twin beds pushed together are the norm, while the Scandinavian sleeping method involves sleeping in the same bed but under separate duvets.
Meanwhile, my husband and I are very close, until the shared beds separate us.
That’s too Taylor, Starmers!
How much Taylor Swift is too Taylor Swift?
It’s a question often asked in our house, especially by my husband, who doesn’t understand the need to listen to his countless albums on loop. But at least my daughter and I only went once to see their amazing Eras tour (we couldn’t afford to go more than this).
Not so the Starmer family, who, according to Sir Keir’s register of interests, received tickets to see Swift not once, not twice, but three times during the summer. (It seems like Keir only went twice, and he considers himself a superfan?)
That is, in total, more than ten hours dedicated to watching Swift perform. Impressive stamina, Starmers, but even this Swiftie has her limits.
Isn’t it incredible that Phillip Schofield could reach the age of 62 – and survive being marooned on a desert island for a week – without the ability to take responsibility for his actions?
‘Man-child’ Phillip Schofield is taking on his former co-presenter Holly Willoughby, blaming her for his downfall.
He is said to blame his downfall on Holly Willoughby, who he apparently refers to using the witch emoji.
According to sources, Phil is angry at his former This Morning co-host Holly for not releasing a public statement supporting him when it was revealed she had a “reckless but not illegal affair” with a much younger man.
Sadly, most of us have encountered someone like Schofield: a man-child who still acts like a five-year-old and blames his mother for everything.
It’s time to leave poor Holly alone, Phil, and grow up.
Good news everyone: according to the latest science, consuming coffee while eating chocolate could be good for your heart!
I’ll drink a cup of caffeine for that; Now all I need is someone to pass me the dairy milk.
trusted clinic
Miranda Hart has revealed that she has married a man who came to investigate a mold problem in her London home (that’s not a euphemism).
Miranda Hart on The One Show with her wedding ring after revealing that she got married at 51
I love hearing stories like this; There’s this ridiculous idea that you’re “on the shelf” if you haven’t calmed down by 30, but Hart is 51.
She proves that when it comes to relationships, the only right time is the one that works for you.
I need a break from adventure
According to research, families prefer to go on adventure vacations instead of relaxing on the beach. We did this in 2019, when I thought it would be a good idea to take my family to Italy so I could participate in a triathlon.
The idea was that we would have a relaxing holiday before I completed the grueling swimming, cycling and running course.
In practice, I spent the week stressed about the event, while my husband spent the week chasing our six-year-old daughter.
Since then, we spend our holidays horizontally on the beach, in hotels with a good kids’ club!