You will find my problem very strange. I have real feelings for this man who lives in India. He's Asian like me – only 40 years old, while I'm 52.
He has been divorced for four years. His ex-wife left him for his best friend.
Because he works in films, I have always liked him and seen two of his films.
Because he is a popular actor, I can download so many photos of him on my phone.
Initially, I just liked him as one of my favorite Bollywood movie actors. But in recent months my feelings for him have increased so much that I started to love him deeply. Yet I never met him.
Thought of the day
I'm her husband, she's my friend
She steals the chips straight from my plate
No wonder I lose weight
I fell in love with my wife.
John Cooper Clarke (British poet and performer b 1949)
In my daily thoughts, he and I are together as a friend and he loves me very much.
I imagine he flies to the UK every weekend to see me and that he is back in India for a week for work.
Having this beautiful dream of ours together makes me feel like I finally have a loving man in my life – although it is only in my thoughts and dreams. The disadvantage of all this is that I am going to miss him enormously. I wish he could be with me in real life.
And I keep thinking to myself that we might have been well together if it had happened earlier in my life – when circumstances would have brought us together.
I have been divorced since 2004. Everything else in my life is happy. I have four beautiful adult children and a happy family life with them.
But I long for a loving man in my life who holds me in his arms, just like the man I love loves me in my thoughts and dreams.
How can this happen to me? How can I feel so deep for a man I have never met?
He has had such a deep impact on my life that I sometimes feel angry that he cannot be with me.
Why do I feel so emotional and upset about the desire for a film actor in this phase of my life?
How can I bring it into my life?
If that is not possible, how do I balance my emotional feelings about him?
I desperately need your thoughts and advice.
This week, Bel advises a man who has feelings for a Bollywood movie star who has been divorced for four years after his ex-wife left him for his best friend.
Have you ever heard the classic song Mad About The Boy, written in 1932 by the actor and playwright Noel Coward?
The song expresses admiration for a film star (although there are other layers) and in the Words And Music show it was in turn sung by a group of women standing in line in front of a cinema. This is how it starts:
Angry at the boy
More from Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail …
I know it's stupid to be mad at the boy
I'm so ashamed of it, but I have to admit the sleepless nights I've had
About the boy
On the silver screen
He melts my foolish heart in every scene …
That's you in short, isn't it? And before readers start complaining that you are misled (which you know very well, I think), I will point out that such a passion for someone out of reach is very common.
Why did I have a photo of Elvis on my wall when I was 13? Why did girls faint when they saw The Beatles?
Why have lonely men always fixed themselves on distant feminine love objects – beautiful, inaccessible movie stars such as Brigitte Bardot and Elizabeth Taylor? How many boys had Raquel Welch, Farrah Fawcett and Blondie posters in their bedrooms?
And in case people think: & # 39; Sensible people grow out of love for the unattainable & # 39 ;, let me tell you that I once met a very intelligent, professional middle-aged woman in Vienna who bought a ticket for true opera star Placido Domingo played in the world.
She wore an evening dress on a modest chair and waited for the weather at the stage door in all weather conditions. (This was the inspiration for a short story that you can read on my website belmooney.co.uk/3_WaitingForPlacido/index.html).
Was she in love with the star? My story ends with the provocative words: & # 39; This was a true love like any other. & # 39;
All this to ensure that I do not reject your problem. The question is whether this fixation will spoil your life anyway. You say not – although privately added that you do not want your family to find out. Sigmund Freud may have seen your loved one as a form of & # 39; regression & # 39 ;. He thought that after reaching a certain stage of development, a person can withdraw to an earlier level because of fear.
A person who has been injured can lock himself up in a private dream world. Yet Freud believed that such regressions do not have to be harmful, but that dreams & # 39; beautiful & # 39; could be because it offers comforting wish fulfillment.
But you have to ask yourself if this fantasy life is hiding you from your real self.
You claim that it is not – and yet your e-mail speaks of a desire for love and fear that you will not find it. Years apart, happy on the surface, you say: & I long for a loving man in my life who holds me in his arms exactly the way the man I love loves me in my thoughts and dreams & # 39;
And why has this fixation become so powerful lately?
Because of your age, I may wonder if you have menopausal symptoms and you should report this to your doctor – or look for natural treatments in a health food store.
Your rather hectic list of questions at the end of your letter suggests that you are not happy at all, but confused and wondering how to get out of this state.
What to do? To begin with, are you happy with your appearance and can you do something about it? Do you have good friends to trust?
Why don't you share it with a little giggle instead of keeping your passion secret? That is a good way to balance & # 39; balance & # 39; to find.
Finally, instead of being obsessed with this star (which you'll never meet), why don't you visualize friendship with a man who might be around the corner?
It's time to put down your phone and create a new reality.
Last week I gave a website for LGBT problems. The way it was printed confused some people, so also here is: www.straightpartnersanonymous.com
Is it good at my age to want sex?
I am even ashamed to ask this question.
Last year my long-term partner left, but two years earlier we had had little or no physical contact, although we shared the same bed.
I believed this was my punishment for allowing my son (40) to come back after acute problems. No matter how much I love my son, I miss male company.
I have a male friend from my volunteer work and we go on trips. He is nice and good company, but there is no physical attraction.
I am considering signing up for a dating site, but I am aware of the pitfalls I read about.
My real question is – is it good for me to want to find a man and have a sexual relationship at my age? I miss the closeness that this entails and I almost feel tears with my loneliness.
You don't have to be ashamed of yourself, and even less so for the word & # 39; decent & # 39; to use.
One of the things that young people cannot possibly believe is that the elderly have physical desires, just like they do. The body can age, but the soul is timeless – and so does the desire for love.
But the word & # 39; love & # 39; is infinitely elastic, right?
Some married women love their husbands, yet lose interest in sex once they have children; others after the menopause – and that is all normal.
To be honest, I am just as averse to assuming that all relationships require hot sex to survive (which I read all the time in advisory columns and articles) as young people have in thinking of older folk bonking!
So many prejudices are made – and they fail to honor the infinite variety of the human mind. So the first thing to do is realize that you are not stranger – perhaps more physically engaged than many women your age. But what to do about it?
I fear that a dating site will lead to more disappointment and perhaps real pain. So if you try, do that with that warning in mind.
Make sure your photo is good but current, & # 39; sale & # 39; clarify yourself – and be careful. I send wishes to the universe that a lovely man is there, ready to embrace you.
But I also think you should consider why you equate sex with & # 39; proximity & # 39; – almost to the exclusion of other forms of companionship.
You say you want to find a man & # 39; & # 39; – and you have that without sex. Your friendly friend is there to go out with; would you drop it if you found a beau?
Frankly, many older women who write to me – really lonely because they don't have anyone at all – would envy you.
The only thing that I ask you is that you appreciate it correctly and realize that sexual connection is only part of the human story.
As I get older, I appreciate mutual support, kindness, laughter, shared interests, a big hug, good conversation and simple chat, harmonious silence and sympathy at bad times … it all contributes to love … yes , more than the sexual frenzy of beautiful, painful youth.
But that's me, not you.
It is just worth thinking about, so that you put your desires in perspective, for your own good.
And finally … The uplifting power of forgiveness
In last week's column I wrote: & I praised forgiveness and reconciliation … the noble message of the Christian religion that I follow – nothing will change my belief in its goodness. & # 39;
A reader who wants to stay very private, wrote with a terrible story about her sister and dead mother and what sounds like horrible, exploitative treatment – and sadly asked me if in a case like hers & # 39; forgiveness and reconciliation & # 39; could argue. She wished she could, but clearly can't forgive her sister.
Of course this family story (as is usually the case) is very complicated.
Yet it is important to explain that I cannot believe in forgiveness at all costs. I am always surprised when I read about good, noble people who say they have forgiven those who killed a loved one.
Please contact Bel
Bel answers readers' questions about emotional and relationship issues every week.
Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT or email email@example.com.
If you wish, a pseudonym is used.
Bel reads all letters but regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Can I forgive the monster who killed my child by bullet or bomb? No I could not.
But people can and do. That is why from time to time I like to refer readers to an extraordinary charity, The Forgiveness Project (theforgivenessproject.com).
It has no political or religious preferences, but collects real stories from victims and perpetrators of crime and violence to help people explore ideas about forgiveness and alternatives to revenge.
The core message is that everyone has the potential to change their perspective and break the cycle of revenge. This message is one that the world needs more than ever.
For more information, visit the website and click on & # 39; Stories & # 39; – that come from all over the world. The website is powerful and uplifting – and God knows we need it.
Of course, no description of the goodness of others will help a family that gets into conflict or save the feelings of a cruelly treated spouse.
But if we don't hold on to a belief that healing is possible – even somewhere else – then humanity will certainly be questioned.
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