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Dear Bel,
I read ‘Janice’s’ letter and her response (November 23) with tears streaming down my cheeks. My husband and I were in a very similar situation for 15 years after our daughter refused to be in any room with our son, who was an alcoholic.
We desperately tried to support him, giving him a roof over his head, attending AA meetings, visiting the hospital when he was admitted with seizures, and walking by his side to try to keep him sober, all to no avail.
Our daughter and her husband had a son and she insisted that if we had our son with us in Christmas Day, she wouldn’t come. Therefore we would not see our grandson. So our son always came to breakfast and then went “to lunch with friends.” In 2018 he died at the age of 44, due to his lifestyle.
At his funeral it emerged that he had never had a Christmas lunch with friends, but instead spent each Christmas Day alone, locked in his apartment and, probably drunk, feeling totally unloved. More than 100 people attended his funeral: he obviously did not know he was loved.
I feel so angry that my daughter used our grandson as a bartering tool, and so guilty that I allowed her to deprive our son of a family Christmas. We remain very close to our grandson, who admits that he was unaware that he was ‘used’ so that our daughter could get her way.
“I think your anger at your daughter and conversations with a now-adult grandson are wrong,” Bel Mooney writes.
Six years after our son died, I still cry for letting him down when he needed us most. Especially this time of year, I wish I could turn back time and be there for him. I will never forgive myself. Families are irreplaceable.
I hope that your reader Janice can get her family to forgive and forget past upsets, before it’s too late and they have to live with regrets, like I do. I guess the underlying question here is whether forgiveness is possible – or is it just a word?
petra
The letter you’re referring to was about an old fight between adult siblings, hurtful text messages sent, and a poor mother caught in the crossfire, wondering who to “choose” for Christmas.
I wonder what happened in the end? Maybe she’ll write to me and tell me… Anyway, you know exactly how the unhappiest ending plays out, right? With guilt, sorrow and regrets.
For very good reasons, she listened to her daughter, made a commitment by inviting her alcoholic son to Christmas breakfast, and believed her when she told him she was going to lunch with friends. Instead, he spent the day alone.
It is a very sad story. But honestly, I have to come in front of you with a red flag right now, because I think your anger at your daughter and conversations with your now grown grandson are wrong.
You’re willing to think the worst of your daughter for saying that she and her husband wouldn’t join you for Christmas with their young son if her addict brother were around. But there will be mothers who read this and will consider it perfectly understandable.
Perhaps your daughter felt slighted upon witnessing the hell her brother put him through for years and steadfastly refused to expose your daughter to the potentially erratic behavior of a drunk.
I’m inclined to reject her “interpretation” that the child was “used as a bartering tool,” because that implies a high degree of manipulation, while surely she was simply acting spontaneously, based on a mother’s protective instinct.
You wish you could turn back time and be there for him. But you were all along, as you make very clear. After he left your Christmas morning, you now assume it’s your daughter’s fault that he was lonely. But if 100 people attended your funeral, then you surely had a choice between drinking alone or meeting up with friends. You didn’t ‘let him down’. It did not “deprive him of a family Christmas.”
Her son made his choices, fell into addiction, and I honestly don’t see why his sister should be blamed for not wanting to witness the car accident of a lifetime.
He has a grandson and it was nice that he had a “family Christmas” with him. Now you need to stop thinking uselessly about the past and focus on the future years, when you will see how his life unfolds and maybe he will even become a great-grandfather one day.
There is nothing to ‘forgive yourself’ for; you have to accept what was, in order to progress towards what will be. We all have regrets and it is not always possible to stop regretting the bad things of the past.
But you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, ‘You did the best you could.’ And extending that understanding and leniency to other human beings is what forgiveness is all about.
Why can’t my wife resist having affairs at work?
Dear Bel,
We have been happily married for over 25 years, have three children, and are a happy couple. Despite this, I discovered that my wife has had three (that I know of) separate affairs at three different jobs. She is an attractive woman and for some reason she can’t resist the attention of men at work.
I discovered text messages revealing an affair and at another job where she got serious with her boss, who could have been fired if she had filed a complaint. All my suspicions were correct; I had the evidence. She acted very differently during these affairs despite trying to be normal; The more he tried to hide his affairs, the more obvious they became.
Why can’t she work alongside men without things going further?
Alexander
It’s a very interesting final question, so the most obvious thing would be to ask her, before the new year sees her supposedly happy marriage in stormy waters.
I don’t want to doubt you, but you mention happiness twice and then list three adventures you discovered while researching. I’m afraid I don’t see that as a recipe for satisfaction.
That ‘why?’ As for her behavior, she interests me as a woman who once (when she was much younger!) also suffered from a weakness called “compulsive flirting.” (Will we turn it into a so-called ‘mental health problem’?)
Just as people want to climb mountains because the challenge is there, it was irresistible to play on mutual attraction at work, flattered by the attention. Of course it’s not wise, but for some of us, men and women alike, it’s doing what comes naturally to us. But the “weakness” I describe can become potentially destructive if it is translated into a physical matter.
You sound proud of your wife’s good looks, but you don’t mention how your knowledge of her affairs has affected you mentally and emotionally. In fact, you sound almost remote. I would like to know why and I think some research questions need to be asked.
Did you always believe yourself inferior to her? Did you accept your discoveries because you were afraid of losing her?
Did you ever tell him how he hurt you? Did you have adequate conversations about what might be missing in the marriage? Did you warn him that this could all end in tears?
If you love her and want to stay together, you should start talking.
My grown girl won’t have time for me.
Dear bel
My daughter left London in 2012 to go to university and I can count on one hand the number of times she has returned. When I suggest a visit, she makes all kinds of excuses.
All summer he told me that he would spend Christmas with me. Just before I called her to confirm, but she told me that “they had a lot of things to do” and that she wouldn’t come. Naturally he was upset. When she needs something, I will go out of my way to help her, but it doesn’t work the other way around.
He is 35 years old and has been behaving like this for more than 12 years. Now I’m upset and feel like cutting ties.
I’m just an afterthought. On the phone I called her selfish and she hung up. I feel like she doesn’t want to be bothered with me. How do I handle this?
Ann
Anyone can see why you feel hurt and angry.
Your daughter has behaved without taking your feelings into account. It makes me wonder what their relationship was like before she left for college, because if they weren’t close (and you have to be honest with yourself here) that simple fact could provide some kind of explanation.
I wonder what your daughter would say if she wrote. Many families have hidden histories of coldness and resentment, the reasons for which only they can address. That is, if they are willing to be honest, which is rare. All I can say is that it would be a mistake to “cut ties” so quickly. In a few weeks you will be able to calm down and be honest with her about how hurt you are. Calling her “selfish” on the phone makes no sense, as you saw.
If I were you, I’d send him a text or email to tell him you’re sorry you said it (even though you’re not) and suggest he talk on the phone.
So – listen to this – the way forward is never to accuse but to reveal. So that you don’t shout: ‘You’re selfish!’ You ask quietly, ‘Can you see I wanted to see you so badly?’ Then follow up with a question about how you spent Christmas.