Table of Contents
Dear Bel,
In September I discovered that my husband ‘B’ has been unfaithful to me for decades. I don’t know the exact moment. I discovered this because he has an online greeting card account and we were using it to send a card to a friend.
I wondered how long it had been since we sent a card, so I looked at “sent cards.” I saw the name ‘Jenny’. He had also seen it many times before on B’s phone, but he explained that she was someone he worked with years ago.
Long story short, I went through the cards he sent me and found a lot of very loving, poetic messages. I asked for their phone records and saw that they had been calling each other monthly or more for years. I have no way of knowing what Jenny’s calls contained, but I can only imagine that they were very affectionate.
As you can imagine, I was surprised and knocked to the side. To mitigate me, he told me that it meant nothing and that he had really only loved me.
During a rather heated conversation, he said he had only slept with her a few times when he was working.
Years ago, when we had been married for a short time, he had an affair with a neighbor. I found out because her husband knocked on the door and told me. Then the woman came and told me that they were planning to run away together, but B denied it.
Marriage counseling made me realize that it could be something I had done or not done that caused him to be unfaithful. We had two children and there was no way I was going to let him destroy our wonderful little family. So we continue.
We recently visited old friends and it reminded me of everything I thought we had. He goes on to say that those greeting cards with loving messages were “jokes.”
I don’t know what hurts more, the memory of that first adventure or knowing that another one began shortly after. He still can’t tell me what I was missing as a wife. He says he doesn’t know and that he has really only loved me. So why did he need those women?
We went to Relate but it didn’t help.
B just couldn’t say why he had been so cruel. I have no idea if, thinking ahead, I should tell our (now adult) children. How can you ever know again that as they grew up he led a double life?
We don’t have much time to put things back and I don’t think I want to do it again. Do you think it’s worth trying again to overcome his betrayal?
EVIE
Bel Mooney responds: This is one of those times when I want readers to know that your original letter was 1,399 words and I’ve edited it to just under 500, so inevitably both facts and nuance have been affected.
It’s a shame, because his unedited letter, which includes emails sent to close friends, reveals the depth of his bewilderment and pain.
Like so many women I have met (in life and through my work) whose husbands have been unfaithful, you ask the key question: ‘So why did you need those women?’ What’s more, you flagellate yourself even more wondering what you were missing.
But, in my experience, the issue is not necessarily about “need.” Maybe it’s more a matter of opportunity.
Of course, it is often possible to look at a troubled marriage and trace one party’s infidelity to some of the actions (or lack of actions) of their partner. Are you lazy? Forget to ask loving questions? Are you lazy within the relationship?
Some marriages become very stale, and infidelity may occur as a result. Because? Because it’s exciting. Flattering. Deliciously transgressive. Fun. Sexually exciting. Rejuvenating. Sometimes refreshingly silly. Different.
All that… and more. Yes I think it’s pretty obvious, I’m in no way trying to minimize the damage it can cause.
And when an affair occurs because of a deep and lasting love, then all bets on the future are off. Marriages end. New marriages begin. But that’s not the case here.
It’s no surprise that her husband has been able to compartmentalize his life. I’m afraid it’s quite normal. . . in those who go astray.
On the one hand, B loved (or should I modify that to say ‘loves’?) you, the mother of his children. He valued the whole system: home, wife, children, marriage and he would not have broken it.
On the other hand, he met two women willing to have an affair. He didn’t “need” the adventure. He wanted it: to boost his ego, to satisfy his sexual desire, to test his deceptive wit. Etc.
I guess that’s the beginning and the end of the story: a man who leads a double life, not because he is evil or “cruel”, but because he simply couldn’t resist what was offered to him. Like a cake on a plate. Often an affair continues simply because it is easier than doing the right thing and ending it.
Human beings tend to enjoy pleasure, although it must be said that the stress and strains of carrying out a secret affair may not be easy to bear.
Of course, B cannot explain “why.” Nothing’s wrong with you. There’s really nothing wrong with him. Just an itch that needed scratching.
I know some people will find my unflappable tone shocking. It doesn’t matter. What matters now is whether you can find within yourself the will to continue. I doubt you want to start over alone at this point in your life.
I also doubt that you really want to reveal to your adult children the fact that the parent they (presumably) love has behaved badly and hurt you so much.
Unless you decide to quit, I don’t see any point.
All I’m saying is that you don’t “get over” life’s shocks, but it’s certainly possible to develop the determination not to be overcome by them. Not forgetting or forgiveness but tolerance.
I fear a family breakup will ruin Christmas.
Dear Bel,
Compared to others, my problem is trivial, but it is still eating away at me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
A few years ago my son and one of my daughters had a fight and now they will have nothing to do with each other. My son sent some stupid and hurtful text messages. To make matters worse, my daughter-in-law is about to leave him.
My current problem is that my daughters and their families are spending Christmas with us. If my son is going to be alone, there is no way I can leave him outside. But if I invite him and he comes, then I know my daughter will back out, which will break my heart.
As the holiday season approaches, I’m feeling more and more anxious about the topic and don’t know what to do.
JANICE
Bel Mooney responds: You have no idea how much I sympathize; Situations like this are very common and have therefore (unfortunately) been a constant in this column for 17 years.
I’m sure you’ve stayed awake in the middle of the night wondering, ‘Why can’t they forgive and forget?’ Why can’t they just get along together? Why can’t they see how unhappy this makes me? Why are they so self-absorbed?
Countless people are made completely miserable by family problems beyond their control… and that’s why, Janice, your problem is far from trivial.
From time to time, we will all say the wrong thing and/or be told something irritating or hurtful.
In most cases, there is no control over these matters; yes, even when the wrong words come out of your own mouth and you might kick yourself, but you’ll probably double down.
Life is full of complicated situations, but the vital choice is whether to roll and roll on the ground or not. In other words, how to deal with it.
No matter what damage has been done to us, what childhood traumas we need to address, or what current dilemmas are bringing us down, we have the choice of holding the dead weight of conflict to our chest or letting it fall.
Nobody says it’s easy. But it is essential. Every good choice helps remake the world.
Of course you can’t take sides. But ask yourself which of the two separated is likely to be more susceptible to gentle persuasion.
I suspect your daughter. If so, could you please get your sister on your side and make a real effort between you to persuade her not to ruin Christmas? Use emotional blackmail if necessary, because the estranged brother and sister need to be told in clear terms the effect their pointless fighting is having on their poor mother.
Tell them to think.
You could tell your daughter that Christmas Day with families present would be the best possible time to see her brother. A dilution of the confrontation. And tell him it’s a good time to end this stupid dispute.
If they both refuse, then I don’t see what can be done.
With luck, his wife might decide to spend one last Christmas with him. I hope so.
And to anyone reading this who finds themselves in a similar situation, I ask you to remember that a time of peace and goodwill should mean exactly that.
Otherwise, there is no point in being alive.
- Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters but regrets that she cannot correspond personally.