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Dear Bel,
Last year I married a thrill-seeking man. We are both older people.
My husband is into fetish and soft swing. He is also a transvestite, which I already knew. He said it was refreshing to be with me, since he had been in hiding. All from his previous wife.
He doesn’t look kindly on cheating: he says it’s cheating for someone to text other people behind their partner’s back, even if nothing physical happens. He says he won’t do anything behind my back, and he said he wouldn’t have to anyway.
Four years ago, my son’s then-girlfriend saw my husband’s female profile on a dating site. Of course, he denied it. He had expressed interest in attending a couple of gay events (he says he’s just curious and would never want to have sex with men), something I told him I didn’t mind.
He has always denied being bisexual, but I told him that if he was, I would rather know. So imagine my surprise when I saw that he had signed up for a gay website six months ago, using the same cross-dressing photo my son had mentioned. His profile said he was into naughty things. Surely that is a violation of my trust?
I can’t say anything, because I’d have to admit that I was snooping. I feel upset by his deception; he probably could have told me if he was bisexual.
What should I do? I’m tempted to ignore it and just keep a close eye on things. I don’t want to get divorced and lose my house, and we haven’t been married that long anyway.
He is always kind and caring and tells me how much he loves me. He is like a best friend. I have been acting like I am happy and I don’t think he has any idea. The last time I looked online I couldn’t see anything suspicious. Do you have any ideas on how I should approach this as if I say anything he will know I have been snooping?
CLEAR
Bel Mooney responds: To be honest, I find it fascinating, even incredible, that of all the things you might be worried about, the one you worry about most is being caught looking at that man’s online profile.
You call it snooping. I call it natural curiosity, especially since he has told you (as you say in your unvarnished letter) that he has not blocked his computer or his phone.
That shows trust, something you now feel guilty about. But, although he has made it clear that he wants to be with you and deplores being “cheated on,” you have discovered that he is no more honest now than he was four years ago. As far as I am concerned, that means there is no moral problem with “snooping.”
But most people reading this might identify other moral issues related to the potential risks that come with a promiscuous lifestyle. I had to look up “soft swinging” and now know that it is the custom of engaging in sexual activities with your partner in the same room as another couple, but not swapping or sharing partners.
It seems that gentle swinging is considered the gateway to full swinging. It provides the opportunity for couples, who are new to the “swinging scene”, to get comfortable with engaging in sexual acts in front of other people, before progressing to partner swapping and full swinging.
Wow. (Actually, my first reaction was “Yuck!” but everyone has their own opinions, as long as it’s consensual.) Since you’ve known for over four years that your husband was a “thrill seeker,” and yet you married him just last year, I can only assume that you are one too, which would explain your tolerance.
Even though you’ve now realized that he’s less than honest about his fantasies and fetishes, you might forget about the spying issue and instead become justifiably concerned about (for example) sexually transmitted diseases.
Did you know that blood-borne infections, such as hepatitis B and HIV, can be transmitted through non-sexual contact with infected bodily fluids?
Can herpes be transmitted through non-penetrative sex? Is risk a key part of the “thrills” you both seek, or is this attitude primarily driven by it?
They wouldn’t have gotten married if they didn’t love each other, and it’s not hard to understand why he…
He’s your “best friend” because you have a lot in common. However, you realize there’s a huge gap between that and the kind of deception he may be committing with you.
You have no idea what he’s up to, so you have to be very careful. The only way to approach the subject is with the complete openness that you’ve both presumably used in the past to seek thrills. All of this is making you unhappy, but you’re pretending to be otherwise, which means you’re both being dishonest with each other. That wasn’t the marriage contract you agreed to, was it?
It seems a little late to be shy about looking at your man’s online presence. It’s time to say it.
I can’t take care of more grandchildren
Dear Bel,
We have 11 grandchildren, ranging in age from 26 years old, and another due this month.
I’ve always been very involved with childcare, but now I’m feeling the pressure. I have a heart condition and I also suffer from arthritis, so I’m on medication. I’ve also had COVID four times.
When my daughter mentioned she was having another child, I asked her (lovingly) if it was a good idea since she struggles with anxiety and relies on me for childcare and support.
I feel very torn: I love my daughter and grandchildren but I just don’t feel as physically able to help as I have in the past and my (second) husband is fed up with weekends being taken up with childcare and me going to bed at 8pm exhausted.
He says he doesn’t want this pressure in retirement and feels we should do more than we want.
My daughter got very upset recently when I had a hard time changing her bed as she is very pregnant now. She said I should get in shape. But I am not overweight, I don’t smoke or drink; I am just limited by My lack of physical strength. After having had her adorable five-year-old daughter with me all weekend, I am exhausted and, dare I say, resentful that I have found myself in this situation.
I’m worried that if I say no to daycare, it will affect her mental health. I’ve always been her rock, but… I’m struggling to keep it.
I can’t maintain this level of attention forever. How can I cope without feeling unbearably guilty?
EILEEN
Bel Mooney responds: A few years ago I was surprised to learn that someone I knew—a successful journalist—responded to the birth of her first grandchild by traveling to Bali (after holding the baby, of course) for a three-week vacation.
How could I do that? I wondered. Wouldn’t I want to be there, happily assuming the wonderful, traditional role of grandmother, giving advice, helping and doting on the new member of the family?
I know you’ll agree with my surprise, Eileen. You consider it an almost sacred duty to put yourself last and family first.
But maybe my former colleague was right in showing from the beginning that I was not going to be a slave… sorry… a real grandmother. Maybe she was wise and honest in daring to go outside the box.
There is no right or wrong in this matter; each of us will respond to one of the most important stages of life (grandparenthood) according to what our hearts tell us. On the other hand, it is always useful to let our heads play a role in matters of the heart.
You fail to say how many children you had with your first husband (the family your second husband took in) or, specifically, how many children the daughter you are currently worried about had.
Eleven grandchildren suggest that you had a large family, so your husband was very brave in taking you in with so much “baggage,” which, by the way, is simply a shorthand way of describing emotional complexity.
Once adult children have children of their own, they can’t (and shouldn’t) put you first. But the person who’s chosen to share a life with you… well, maybe they will.
Your daughter’s stepfather wants to spend quality time with her as they grow up together. Don’t you think he has the right?
Adult children can be very demanding and self-centered. Your daughter has problems (acute anxiety), so you were right to question her ability to cope with another child. Your reward is being scolded for tiring yourself out doing chores for her and having her ill health ignored.
Caught between two people who make demands on you, who do you consider more selfish? The woman who assumes you will be her “rock” or the man who would be her supporter?
Have you told any of your other children? One of them could speak to her sister aside and explain that their mother can no longer devote her remaining energy to child care. It is time for them to take care of you. But if that is not possible, I suggest you wait until after the baby is born and then, before the fall, tell your daughter that her family doctor has recommended complete bed rest.
In your uncut letter you mentioned that you and your husband have a small vacation home. So go there in September or October and have a wonderful time doing all the things you have planned. If your daughter says she can’t handle it, you’ll have to be strong and weather the storm. This should be your time, finally.
Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues every week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names have been changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets that she is unable to correspond in person.
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