dbel ear,
I’m 35 years old and I met my ex-husband at school. We got married at 22 and had many things in common: similar origins, sense of humor, common goals in life. We barely rowed. In many ways it was idyllic.
But I felt like he no longer treated me like a person he wanted to make love to. The sex was superficial and I wanted to turn off the lights. He had also gradually stopped taking care of himself: he could go days without shaving or showering.
A man at work made a play for me. We were friends and it took me completely by surprise. It turned out that he had liked me for many months and we had an eight-month affair.
Naturally, the affair only made the gulf between my husband and me even greater. So I got a new job, ended the affair, and focused on trying to get our marriage back on track. We had counseling with Relate… but four years after our wedding day, I made the decision that we would separate.
She loved him like she would love a brother. He said he still loved me exactly the same way he always did. I had no illusions when I left him: I knew that men like him are rare and that it would be difficult to find another as decent.
I left him with everything – the house and everything in it – because I felt very guilty for leaving him. I know he was suffering desperately.
Two years later I met someone else and had a beautiful baby boy. That relationship, never stable, broke up when my son was a few months old and I raised him alone. My ex remarried and now has two children, both younger than mine.
I was happy for him. Six months ago I met him, the first time in six years. We chatted about what we were doing at work and then moved on to the topic of our children. Turns out his family still lives in our old house and his friend told me that all the furniture we picked out together is still there. How strange.
Six months later, I think about him constantly and beat myself up for leaving him. I was happily single until I met him again; Now I find myself longing for the security he offered me.
As I expected, since I left him I haven’t found a man who matches him. I feel so stupid. I was so immature that I didn’t realize how good he was.
I feel like I’m mourning my marriage, almost nine years after it ended. I can’t understand why I feel this way now and why thinking about it makes me cry. What’s going on in this stupid head of mine?
Maggie
Bel Mooney responds: It’s really not very difficult to understand what is “going on” in that sad (not stupid!) head. You are mourning the loss of the man who could very well turn out to be the love of your life, unless, with so many years still ahead of you, you meet someone else one day.
Who knows what will happen? For now, I completely understand your feelings and know how common it is to desperately long for a fantasy of past happiness. It’s part of the human condition.
You and your ex were teenage sweethearts, and your uncut letter reveals how your very religious parents would never have allowed you to live together. Hence the impulse to get married. It occurs to me that your husband’s problems with sex may well have their origins in that upbringing.
Her longest letter also tells how she tried to remedy the situation and seduce him, without success. You stopped liking me. In many ways, the office affair was almost inevitable, although I doubt you would have initiated it. Unfortunately, although he tried, his young marriage was doomed to failure.
Now you are embarrassed by the affair and bitterly regret ending the marriage after only four years. Oh, I know the regrets that float around the bed at 4 in the morning, when you wonder how life would have been so different if you hadn’t done that and he hadn’t acted like that.
How tortuous it is, especially since it’s impossible to know how either of them might have changed over time anyway.
I could have met someone else; You may have had the baby you dreamed of at that moment… But, as we all know, such speculations are as useless as they are cruelly tormenting.
Here is a famous quatrain from the great Persian poem Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam: ‘The moving finger writes; and having written, / Go on: neither all your Pity nor your Wit / Will draw it to cancel half a Line, / Nor all your Tears erase a Word of it.”
In other words, fate dictates what will happen to us, and no matter how smart, good, or regretful we are, nothing can change that script. If you hadn’t run into your ex, you would have been fine, and believe me, you will be fine again. This will pass. Whatever you do, you should avoid any encounters with the ex you dumped and do nothing that will disrupt their family life.
Disillusioned with men, you have found great joy in being the mother of such a precious child. If that marriage hadn’t ended HE wouldn’t be in your life. Think about it.
Can I correct the grandson’s grammar?
Dear Bel,
I’m 77 years old, the same generation as you! I went to the local nursery and primary school, took the 11+ and went to the local primary school. I didn’t receive a privileged education, but it was good. In juniors, English lessons consisted of spelling, punctuation, pronunciation, dictation, comprehension and more.
My beautiful five year old granddaughter is now a freshman and seems to be doing well in school. My concern is that you are picking up on today’s sloppy discourse. I cringe when I hear her say could/should/might OF, instead of HAVE. Bad English seems to be everywhere.
I no longer drive and use the bus. When you’re waiting, you often start chatting with other people and I couldn’t believe my ears when a man, in his 50s, told me he “caught” the bus.
I am worried that in this world of written communication there are a large number of what used to be called howling schoolboys, but it seems that everything is becoming normal. It’s okay to have a language that you speak with friends and family. But it is also important to know how to speak correctly, for when employment comes up.
Am I worrying unnecessarily? I don’t want to upset my daughter, who is doing a wonderful job raising her daughter. Do I correct my granddaughter if she says “should” and (says) “caught” instead of caught? And all the other horrors we are subjected to today?
Jenny
Bel answers: This is certainly a topic very close to my heart, but I know it must be handled carefully. Yes, I’m old school on grammar, but I realize we walk a tightrope between twin pillars of understanding.
By this I mean: we understand that we are right to be angry and saddened by the weakening of the standards we still hold dear, but at the same time we must also understand that we cannot allow such feelings to overcome common sense and affection. .
Common sense should tell us that times change and that it makes no sense to fight against that process. Affection should remind us that it is not very affectionate to continually criticize a five-year-old girl for her speech habits.
As you can see, there is no simple answer to your question.
I really understand your frustration. I have long been surprised by the low level of English teaching in schools, as well as the way literature seems to be taught in universities.
Grammatical rules seemed to be cast aside as unimportant, and one wonders if future generations will even be able to write books.
Back in the 1980s, ‘progressives’ looked down on you if you raised such concerns; even luminaries like Melvyn Bragg shrugged and said platitudes like “Languages change all the time.”
What’s done is done; I’m afraid there is no turning back. Children will inevitably copy the speech of their peers, but in the ideal world they will adapt that speech to the circumstances, consciously being more eloquent when confronted by a boss or an older person.
I don’t see any harm in reminding them, although not at five o’clock! We have two 12-year-old grandchildren who intersperse irrelevant phrases with the word ‘like’, but although it irritates me I don’t say anything. It doesn’t seem like it’s worth it.
The “should” is a different matter. I would correct them, wondering why the hell their teachers failed.
I’m sure your daughter speaks clearly to her daughter, and this is something we can teach by example: clarity of thought expressed in clear words.
Five-year-olds can use endearing words and expressions that we don’t want to correct because they are very sweet.
But if you make an effort to use good words as she gets older and challenge her by choosing long words, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what she copies.
But please don’t get too anxious. Chat, play, show interest in everything you do, and laugh. That is the way to go.
And lastly… Get dressed for the day and brighten your life.
One morning, while she was with us for four days, my 12-year-old granddaughter asked me, ‘Do you wear something different every day?’
‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘I try.’
‘Because?’
‘Because I like to try hard even if I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad to hear it!’
I explained to her that I always choose bright colors (never, never beige, and very little black) and jewelry, just to come down and sit at my desk to write this column. That, friends, is how much I value you!
Of course, there is a serious point here. I have never been able to understand why people spend the day wandering around in pajamas, even silk ones. Did those sloppy habits start during the disgusting lockdown or were they always there?
Growing up in the 1950s and early 1960s, I rarely saw my parents in their bathrobes outside the bedroom and bathroom; It just wasn’t done.
Mind you, those were the times when ‘working people’ wore decent clothes to go out on the weekend. After all, if you were wearing a jumpsuit or jumpsuit all week you wanted to dress up. My roots are in that culture and I am proud of them.
So… ringing the bells, wearing bright colors, choosing nice clothes (which may be my old favorites) to greet each new day – this is how I spend January and the rest of the year.
I also wear some makeup, because I like it; A while ago one of my dear readers, who lives alone, told me that she just has to face the day by putting on her lipstick.
What is all this due to? You could call it self-esteem, and I admit I like L’Oréal’s advertising slogan: “Because you’re worth it.”
Just hold that thought and try to change that dirty sweater today.
Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters but regrets that she cannot correspond personally.