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Dear Bel,
Until a year ago I had a happy and content life. One morning at 7.30 the police came to our house and arrested my husband for downloading indecent images of children.
I kept saying it must be a mistake. They searched our house, confiscated devices and equipment and took him to the police station for questioning.
When he returned hours later, he admitted it, broke down and told me that he had been sexually abused as a child. He was never able to talk about it, he has lived with guilt and shame his entire life.
When he came across some images, he said he felt compelled to look at them, even though he hated the perpetrators and hated what he was doing. He said it made him angry and sad, but he also realized he wasn’t the only one.
His childhood was difficult; Adopted at three years old by cold and strict parents who never showed affection. The son of his parents’ friends abused him for several months, saying that no one would believe him if he told and that he would be sent to an orphanage. He says it’s not an excuse and he hates what he’s done. He’s kind and loving and not the kind of person you think would do that kind of thing.
I am depressed, unhappy and cry most days. His case is classified as low priority because police do not believe he is a danger to anyone, but it could be another two years until it is resolved.
I don’t know whether to stay or go. I still love him, but now in a different way. We have been married for 50 years and we both have health issues that we support each other with. I can’t bear the thought of us approaching old age, sick and alone. We have no children or brothers.
I don’t know if I can continue. With my support, she has started counseling people who suffered childhood sexual abuse, which seems to be helping. He regrets his actions but he has destroyed my trust and I feel like we will never be the same. I don’t know what to do.
EVELYN
Bel Mooney responds: It is very brave of you to write about a problem of such magnitude.
A year ago she suffered a shock that will never cease to resonate within her: the sudden and explosive news that the husband with whom she has shared her entire life had done something that all sensible people consider repugnant and incomprehensible.
He immediately became a stranger to you, because the man you loved could never have done such a thing. That’s right, isn’t it?
You are absolutely right when you say “we will never be the same again.” How could you be? How to accept such a change? How can you deal with the confusion of emotions? The clash between a deeply ingrained habit of worry and waves of bewildering hatred?
These are huge questions and truly, my heart goes out to you in your pain. Her husband didn’t die, and yet her old self is practically dead. Now you have to decide if it’s possible to continue life with the damaged, guilty stranger wearing your husband’s face.
I’m sure you’ve already faced the terrible truth that you can’t just “stumble upon” images of child abuse.
However, the horrific story of her husband’s sexual abuse as a child and the shameful silence he maintained for decades must surely arouse pity even in those who deplore the madness that caused him to succumb to… what?
Evil is a word that comes up easily when I imagine – with horror and rage – the abused children in those images you downloaded. But no one can know what effect prolonged trauma will have on a person.
I used “grief” to describe your mental state and it is important to realize that we are still in the early days. Perhaps the loss of the man she thought she knew is slowly being replaced by an agonizing adjustment to the “new” person she has become.
Your argument about each of you facing illness and old age alone is moving, and that is why I wonder if it is possible for you to build a new life together.
Just as he is receiving counseling, talking to a professional could help him navigate his way through the thicket of shock and sadness that plagues him now.
Of course, you’ll never be able to look at your 50-year-old husband the same way again. But you already feel some compassion in your heart for the pitiful man he has become.
You can still remember the good times you shared together. You may decide that your small, shared flame of love can flicker in the darkness. I wish you courage in these difficult decisions.
My new married neighbor kissed me
Dear Bel,
In February this year I moved from London to Devon; He was tired of urban life and wanted something more. I am 27 years old and single. I sold my flat and bought a new one in a stunning area of Devon and everything seemed fine.
But I’m gay and it seems like I’ve been a jerk to someone who lives in the same building. We met when he offered to help me with the things in my car and take them to my apartment. I offered coffee and we seemed to click, but I didn’t want to click.
He is handsome, 33 years old, but he has a wife. We started texting a lot and I get the impression that he is gay too and got married because he had to.
He works from home and sometimes I do too, so he knocks on my door and asks if I want to have lunch. It has been my downfall; I just can’t say no.
Then one Saturday, his wife picked up a package for me and left a note at the front desk saying it was at her apartment. I went to look for him; She wasn’t there and when I took the package from her we crossed our hands. Then he just took me inside and we kissed, just once, and then I left.
My friends say I should stay away. I thought about moving, but on the other hand I like my new apartment. I feel very confused by this whole thing. Can you help?
THOMAS
Bel Mooney responds: First of all, congratulations on fulfilling your wish to get away from London. It’s a brave thing to do; Change is difficult at any age and the fact that you want “something more” is still important.
I think you should start overcoming this current obstacle by focusing on why you wanted the change and then defining what the elusive “more” might be. And make a plan to achieve it. Can you understand why I start with this positive? It is much more important than the problem in your love life.
I use that particular term loosely, of course. This hardly counts as a love life, although it’s easy to see why you, a young gay man alone in a new place, should fall for a kind and helpful neighbor. It wasn’t stupid.
Perhaps a little lonely, you thought, ‘What a shame he’s straight,’ and that would surely have been it if the man hadn’t started flirting with you. He probably thought it was funny, and who can judge him for that? You’re not the first married person to realize that someone really likes you and induces you to move on, even just a little. It won’t be the last either.
You could well be one of those who enjoy the idea of forbidden sex, whether with a woman or a man. Flirting is exciting and more people than you imagine are attracted to the fantasy of same-sex love.
My irritation with your neighbor arises when I suspect that he is deceiving you as if it were some kind of game. If he is having fun knowing that he has the power to “confuse” you, then that situation contains all the seeds of exploitation. He’s six years older and (I assume) much more sophisticated.
I worry that I may be playing potentially cruel games with someone who is not prepared to deal with such cunning.
Here I will reveal that his letter, handwritten in pen and on archival paper, seems to suggest a young man as lacking in worldliness as he is in computer skills. Which is quite strange and suggests to me that you may be vulnerable and completely unprepared to deal with this man’s fantasies and stratagems.
If you are gay, but choose to stay in the closet, you are being unfair to your wife. If you are not gay, but you like to flirt with someone who is, you are irresponsible and dishonest.
Either way, a handsome and charismatic person like your neighbor can cause great harm to anyone who falls for him.
Obviously your friends are right when they say you should “stay away.” But that doesn’t mean literally. Why should you leave your home because you are afraid that this man will cheat on you?
No, you will have to exercise maximum restraint: no more text messages or lunches, and avoid being alone with him. If he asks you why you have to be cool and say, ‘That kiss shouldn’t have happened, buddy, and we both know it.’ So we have to relax. That’s all.’
If I were you, I would (a) make friends with the man’s wife to spread the word, and (b) find a way to contact other gay men near you, to find people free to start relationships.
Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters but regrets that she cannot correspond personally.