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Dear Bel,
For 30 years I was married to a man I considered my soulmate. I moved to the United States to be with him and he really tried to make our marriage work, even though his family turned against me for reasons beyond my control.
I was angry with them and let the situation get worse until I blamed them for all the unhappiness they had caused.
We returned to the UK and lived a comfortable life for the next 27 years. I loved my husband deeply and was worried that he would leave me and return to the United States.
He truly was kind and generous and told me daily how much he loved me. We really got along in many ways. I knew how difficult life would be on my own, so I maintained the status quo. But a few years ago I discovered that she had been having affairs while my father was dying.
After many evasions, he decided that he did want to leave me, and without financial support either, although he was hiding enormous sums of money. Some of that was resolved after legal intervention on my part.
Now he has remarried and lives happily in the country.
My friends and family let me down in so many ways. My family just told me to leave my ex, having no idea that I had nowhere to go.
Six years after the divorce I told everyone for the first time that I was struggling. The answers were that I should pull myself together and move on. They said they couldn’t help me because I needed to seek counseling, which I had already done without success. They won’t talk about my sadness.
Friends thought I had changed and became very critical and distant after my divorce. They couldn’t handle my emotional discomfort.
I haven’t had other opportunities to meet people either and it seems too late to find happiness. I have tried dating and hookup sites, but the whole experience is desperate and depressing.
I’m still sad and desperate. How do you start over with so much loss?
LUCY
Bel Mooney responds: You’ve written before and I’m so sorry I lost your email the first time.
But maybe my subconscious was working there, because I think you will understand that your problem is very difficult to answer.
Readers often tell me that each week they try to think of what they would say in response to a particular problem, but many times they feel like the answer is impossible.
I understand that feeling, but I think it benefits all of us to realize how complicated life is. Because your emails
Suggest a kind, eager and understanding person. I suspect you will agree with me that there can be no easy solution to pain like yours.
Her subject line read, “Loss of a soulmate,” but studying her emails, it’s hard to grasp the idea of her ex-husband as a “soulmate,” whatever that popular phrase actually means.
It sounds like you have a complicated relationship, made much worse by family interference, but I commend you for two important reasons.
First, he acknowledges that he participated in the problems that led to the breakdown of the marriage. Secondly, you have listed all his best qualities to praise the man who caused you pain.
This shows generosity and honesty, and I promise you (from long experience) that such qualities are quite rare. So could you take a moment to think well of yourself?
It’s clear that your self-esteem is at rock bottom, and so it would do you good to reflect on the ways you’ve grown as a person, even as you reflect on what diminished you when you lost so much.
I realize that the suggestion that you have grown up will seem absurd to you when you are so sad and alone. But you’re still suffering from a triple loss, so I suggest a little burst of positive self-love.
When we talk about “loss,” many people seem to think only in terms of grief, and yet the end of a marriage (and with it the painful loss of an entire way of life) can feel like a death. In your case, Lucy, the situation was made much worse by a staggering lack of sympathy from the very people (family and friends) you needed support from.
The ‘dating and hookup sites’ have not yet opened up possibilities for you. Note the important word “yet.”
But I suspect they disappoint more people than they make happy, so this is where
inevitably mention joining clubs (the Ramblers Association is
one popular among single people) and volunteering. Although it may seem cliché, they can be great ways to meet people.
Another thing to keep in mind is the word “people.” Not only men, but also women, who could become good friends.
His family and old friends couldn’t deal with his “sadness” and “upset,” which brings me to an important caveat. I’m afraid new people won’t want to hear stories of unhappiness either. I’m sorry if that seems difficult, but it’s true.
You have revealed good and strong qualities to me in your emails, so make sure you show them to the world too.
Make a commitment to write down a positive thought and/or action every day and believe that it is never too late to start again.
Taken friend makes fun that she has feelings for me.
Dear Bel,
I am 29 years old and, four years ago, my friend introduced me to his sister, who had come to live in the same area of the country as us. We became good friends.
She later met someone and now they have a beautiful son and live near me. My problem is: shortly after meeting her boyfriend, she told me that she had feelings for me. Now I can’t stop thinking about her.
The arrival of his son made me feel even worse, seeing what I had missed. We used to socialize, but nowadays I make excuses because I can’t handle the situation.
When we meet, she tends to bring it up and add that it’s probably best that we stay just friends. It confuses me.
I’ve had a couple of girlfriends since I met her, but they didn’t last. I will not act on my feelings because I would never want to be responsible for hurting her son and her boyfriend, who I now consider a good friend.
I know nothing can happen between us, in fact, if I’m totally honest with myself, even though I know she enjoys my company, I don’t think she cares the way she says she does.
Their closeness means I often run into them, which scares me. I feel like I need to get away, but this would isolate me from my other friends. I need your advice.
MAT
Bel Mooney responds: How difficult is it to deal with a ‘what if’ scenario in our lives: the tantalizing thought that if only this or that had happened, we could have enjoyed a glorious happy ending.
Of course, if you and your friend’s sister had dated from the beginning, it still might not have worked out. Who knows?
It’s quite normal to become obsessed with the unattainable. Fruit that is out of reach looks much more lustrous and delicious.
in your branch that tired products out of the store.
It’s very easy to see how you fell in love with her. You became good friends at first and that probably would have seemed enough.
Maybe he started to see you as a second brother. But after meeting her current partner she decided to declare her feelings to him. Why not before?
Maybe he started comparing the two of you and realized too late all of your great qualities. Or maybe the new boyfriend seemed like a better, more stable bet.
Whatever the truth is, they had their son pretty quickly, and that in itself worries me. She sounds like she’s a rather impetuous young woman, which doesn’t bode well for their relationship.
To be honest, telling you her feelings behind her boyfriend’s back and now repeating them when she gets the chance, only to backtrack and say that you should stay good friends…what does that behavior even mean?
I suspect that many women, as well as men, would shake their heads and mutter, “Isn’t this more of a joke?” It’s as if she knows perfectly well that she now has you enslaved, so she just has to “bring it up” again to strengthen the ties of vague hope that bind you to her.
Some might accuse her of ‘playing’
you, but I won’t. She’s not the first person to enjoy that little thrill of power when
you see longing, love and lust in someone’s eyes.
I see no alternative for you but to do nothing, smile, bear it, and play your role as a good partner for both of us, knowing that all of this will pass.
I certainly don’t think you should walk away just because you’re afraid of running into the couple and their child.
But whatever you do, avoid being
alone with her. Don’t give him the opportunity to “bring up the topic” that hurts you.
There are plenty of other women waiting to meet someone like you, and the further this obsession recedes, the more likely you are that a new relationship will make you happy.
