Dear Bel,
I have never written to you before, but I hope you can shed light on my family dilemma.
Years ago, my father had a movie camera and filmed my family and my brother’s family while our children were growing up, in many happy moments.
My brother took possession of these films and I just discovered that he converted them to DVD, edited my son and me, leaving us on the cutting room floor.
There are three movies left that haven’t been tampered with, so I asked if I could take them and pay to transfer them to DVD without tampering, but my sister-in-law refused.
My son would love to have some records of our family memories, as would I. But what can I do?
My family consists of only my son and me. I’m afraid I haven’t always had a close relationship with my brother, but it’s better now.
I would never have eradicated my brother’s family from those films, and because of that, psychologically and emotionally, it seems very significant and disturbing. I don’t know how to deal with that. What do I have to do?
SMALL PORT
I would never have eradicated my brother’s family from those films, and because of that, psychologically and emotionally, it seems very significant and disturbing. I don’t know how to deal with that. What do I have to do?
BEL MOONEY REPLIES: Family memories can be very important, but they are also a frequent cause of disagreement (and worse) between siblings. My “dressed for the day” message was a hit.
I have to assume that your father is no longer with you, so your brother takes “ownership” of the theatrical films. If he’s older than you, that goes some way to explaining his sense of entitlement.
I certainly share your disappointment and sadness that you decided to have you and your son removed from home movies. It seems kind of shocking.
So why did it happen? You admit that your relationship was not good but had improved. But you don’t give a timeline.
If you took the home movies during a period when they were not well liked, that might explain your decision to destroy the footage. That doesn’t excuse his actions, but it goes some way to explaining them.
Have you looked back and tried to figure it out? It’s obviously too late to save the material, but it may bother you less if you can be honest about what the relationship was like at the time.
As for the current situation, I have no idea why your sister-in-law should have a say over what is actually your father’s property, over which you surely have the same right. The problem is between you and your brother, no one else. Of course, you don’t want to tell him this because it will only make things worse.
Do you have any old photo albums containing images of those ‘happy times’ you remember so fondly? If so, I’ll suggest something that has worked for other readers in the past.
Find some really lovely photos of you and your brother together (fingers crossed it’s possible) and print them out. Then, get some suitable writing paper and write a letter to your brother telling him how much the memories of the happy moments of your childhood mean to you, and hope that he remembers them with the same affection.
Attach the snapshots and ask if you can borrow the remaining movies to copy to DVD before returning them to them.
Don’t write anything negative or critical and omit any reference to the edited films or your conversation with your wife.
That’s all I can think of and I hope it works.
Dear Bel,
I’m finally writing to you but I’ve been wanting to do it for 13 years! That’s when I lost my beautiful mom.
Since then, my lovely family of eight has been reduced to three. Sadly, my loving, caring and generous father died a month earlier. Christmas.
Between Mom’s death and his, we lost my second brother and my little sister. All in devastating circumstances. I am beside myself with grief.
I read your helpful column every week and you always seem to have the perfect words of comfort. After each duel I have had the need to write to you.
On the one hand, I want to honor my parents who were so in love from the moment they met when my mother was 16 years old. My father had to go do national service and they wrote every day, sometimes twice a day.
So now I have a case full of letters from 1951. I’ve only just begun to look at my mother’s, but not my father’s, because that seems like an intrusion on his privacy so soon after his death. Their love story is unlike any other; They had a lot to say and it’s all in the cards.
Each one I read brings so much evidence of the unconditional love they had for each other and for us when we were children, I can hardly believe it. Theirs was a wonderful love story.
They fought with six children. Their first child was born with liver problems and other complications and they were told he would not live.
He spent his life in and out of London’s Hammersmith Hospital, until he died many years ago.
Soon the three of us who remain will mix his ashes and add them to those of the three children of our parents who died. God bless you all.
They always said that their love would be eternal. My dad was calling for mom until his last breath and waited for us to leave the room before embarking on his last journey. That’s the kind of man he was.
Years ago you wrote about a ritual of burning letters or even objects as a way of coping with a terrible loss. So I followed your advice to start burning some of the letters once I had read them, so that the smoke would be sent to heaven. But I feel confused and sad so I’m not sure to continue.
I hope you can give me some guidance.
RACHEL
BEL MOON: Wartime letters, missives from distant times (now it seems), such as the 1950s and 1960s, may be of great interest, depending on the content, of course.
You’re right: in the past I have suggested writing to someone dead who may have caused pain and then burning them in an act of ritual sacrifice, to cleanse the spirit, or as an act of atonement.
It could also be that someone wanted to burn some or all of the property of the dead as a means of achieving closure or to prevent anyone else from accessing the objects or documents.
There is no one “rule” and I wouldn’t want anyone to think I assume a “one rule” when it comes to advice.
In your case, you’ll obviously want your siblings to be involved in any decisions about anything that once belonged to your parents. One of them might even wish to catalog the letters, arranging them chronologically in folders, so that there can be a sense of “conversation” in the continuity of the responses.
It would be a good idea to get a nice box to hold your mail and “seal” it by tying it with a ribbon, perhaps in your mother’s favorite color.
But whatever you do with those cards now. . . Don’t do anything you might regret. Let them rest and now plan a beautiful ceremony with the ashes of those you will always hold firmly in your heart.
And finally… My ‘dressed for the day’ message was a success.
Oh, I like to agree with me! Last week’s And Finally about clothing, color, and self-care really resonated.
To be honest, I was expecting some disagreement: for people to tell me that there’s nothing wrong with spending all day in your pajamas and that I shouldn’t use the pejorative term “slimy” about a choice that many people find comfortable.
And, of course, we can dress as we want at home, but please, no jams in the supermarket!
Karin H wrote: ‘Although I am 83 years old, I dress in something cheerful every day. Last year I wore a lot of orange, but in addition to red, my favorite color, I wear blues and pinks.
After breakfast I always put on makeup. Recently, a worker came before 9am and I had messy hair and no makeup. I felt devastated that he saw me like this. So the next day I made sure I looked better.’
Go away, girl!
And Ros C was equally encouraging: “I love reading you and even have a ‘happy’ book I write.”
very night I recently recovered from cancer, and while going through a grueling chemotherapy treatment, my mantra was, “When you’re feeling down, get up, dress well, show up, and never give up.” It helped me deal with everyday life.’
Still mourning her husband, Eve S wrote: ‘I agree that making an effort helps and I am following your advice. So today I look and feel much better!’
Bonnie M was also very approving: ‘It’s wonderful that you feel proud of your appearance even when working from home, which is so important for self-esteem.
‘The day I stop dressing to face the day, even though I am retired, will be the time to let myself rest.’
Hurrah!
Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters but regrets that she cannot correspond personally.