Dear Bel,
I adopted my son when he was two years old; He is now 40 years old and has always been a problem. He has never shown any emotion, always had problems in school and couldn’t hold down a job. He has a sister three years younger who is my biological daughter.
I encouraged them both to join clubs and activities, cadets, judo, soccer, etc., but my son never stuck to anything. He stole me, his sister and part-time jobs. The first time he shoplifted was when he was five years old. I told him it was wrong and took the toy away from him.
He found it difficult to make friends and was bullied at school. I did family therapy but it didn’t help.
I divorced his adoptive father when he was 14 and remarried. He didn’t like my new husband, but he also didn’t get along with his adoptive father and stole from him and his new wife. He got a good apprenticeship but was fired for time off and lying.
I managed to help him find another apprenticeship, but he was fired again.
At that time he moved to live with his grandparents. Since then he has gone from one low-paying job to another, fired for stealing at least twice. He has never contacted me since he left home, no card or call for birthdays or Christmas. The only time he contacts me is to ask for money, which I no longer give him.
Now he is unemployed and his only ambition is sickness benefits so he never has to work again. I’ve tried talking to him, his elderly grandmother gives him money from time to time and my daughter has helped him, but it’s all take and no thanks.
I want to cut all ties with him and not send him birthday or Christmas cards, thinking that if I put him out of my mind I will save myself worry.
I’ve tried for 38 years and I want to give up now, but I feel so guilty. Am I being harsh?
firewood
Bel Mooney responds: Yes, in some ways, there are those who might think you are being “harsh.” We can look back at the life of this no longer young man and feel some compassion for him, because something went wrong along the way.
It could be that when you had your daughter, when he was five, he felt a withdrawal of love, embedded in your absolute surprise and delight at giving birth to your little girl.
Who knows? But that’s when he stole the toy. Was it to get attention?
Yes, we can look at this friendless boy who became a thief and think that it is desperately sad that he sees no future except making do with the State.
That being said, do I think you’re “tough”? No, actually I don’t. I think you’re being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you can’t continue this relationship after 38 years of trying, being disappointed, helping, getting angry, trying some more, being totally disappointed… and so on.
I have no doubt that you have lost sleep over him for many years and have probably felt guilty wondering what you did wrong. Am I right?
Family problems are very common on this page and there are times when the smartest option seems to be ‘cut all ties’. Human beings can be pushed to the edge and shout, “Enough!” But somehow I don’t read that in your letter.
I read disappointment, anger and shame, but I have no sense of closure. You’ve tried to help but you’ve reached the end of what you think you can do. The man is almost 40 years old and has his own life to lead, even if he completely ruins it and doesn’t care.
You’re right not to give him more money, but even if you think your mother and daughter are wrong to give it to him, I wouldn’t do anything to stop them. You both probably feel sad and regretful, and that’s your business.
Of course, even if you no longer send him a birthday or Christmas card, that won’t be enough to put an end to your worry, right? Not precisely.
Even if you decide to never see him, he will never be out of your sight or mind.
I’m afraid this is a cross we carry, that is, keeping problematic family members in our minds, whether they
whether you like it or not. Believe me, I know from experience.
Yes, you can walk away, but I suggest you talk to your daughter as much as possible. It seems as if she (clearly a caring person) keeps in touch with him, which is her right.
So if you take a step back and maybe trust her a little more for news about her life, then you might ease the burden on your heart. I hope so.
How can I escape from the husband I hate and the home I hate?
Dear Bel,
I have been married for 17 turbulent years and he has never paid attention to my thoughts or feelings. If he knows I’m upset, he’ll leave. Throughout the marriage, my husband has made important decisions that turned out to be wrong, even though I protested at the time. He never listens to me and I wonder why he got married. I can honestly say that every terrible fight we’ve ever had has been his fault.
Then I get so frustrated that I verbally attack him and hit him too. There has been physical violence from both sides, but especially from me towards him; There is no comparison between our physical strength. He knows he would do a lot of damage if he hit me. I’m alone here, I’m not British, I have no family (I’m estranged from them anyway) or close friends and I’m desperately unhappy. Two years ago I started the divorce process, but the “system” drags him down again and again and he contests everything. Incredibly, given our precarious relationship, we now have six children. I recently slept with him again after two years and I feel bitterly angry that I did so.
He never wanted a divorce, but he is not committed to marriage and I resent all the things he has done over the years to make my life miserable. Thanks to him we live in a house that I hate and it prevents me from focusing on my children because it is constantly messy and cluttered. All he seems to want is regular sex and dinner. I have trashed his room and destroyed his things in anger because I feel like he has destroyed me. I know that’s wrong, but I get so desperate when he doesn’t care or admit the things he’s done. I feel so betrayed. Nothing I say seems to make any difference. Can you help me?
Bel Mooney responds: It’s not often that a problematic card makes me feel so defeated. So why am I posting it?
Partly because one of the side effects of this column is to help other readers find meaning in their own lives.
Time and time again they write to me to tell me that reading about the terrible problems of others makes them reevaluate their own problems, as well as realize a deep sympathy they didn’t know they had, while wondering what it would be like to be the writer of a certain letter and inhabit that world. Like me, Eliza, they will probably be horrified to read your narrative of destruction and despair. I can’t find anything good in it, nothing that gives me the slightest glimmer of hope that anything can save this terrible marriage.
She describes a situation that makes her husband entirely responsible for her abject misery.
However, it is telling to me that you are away from your family and have not made friends in this country.
It is very possible that you have “been sinned more than sinned,” but have no control over your anger and physical violence, which could cause very real harm. You attack your husband and destroy his possessions: behavior that is as toxic as it is dangerous.
Even if we acknowledge that you must be very depressed, what do you think this terrible situation is doing to the six children you have conceived and given birth to with a man you hate?
They will surely have heard and witnessed things that will almost certainly damage their sense of security (a word I use since “happiness” seems remote in these circumstances).
They are being raised in emotional and physical chaos. The mess in the house that you hate so much that you don’t even do anything to tidy it up… well, it’s surely emblematic of what those poor kids endure.
Normally, I would urge you to go to therapy or seek other help, if I didn’t believe that would never happen. Your only hope is to get out and start life again, but something tells me you won’t. Yes, she initiated divorce proceedings that have been delayed, but she does not communicate any passionate desire to be free of the man she married.
You say you wonder why he got married, but to be honest, I wonder the same thing about you.
Was there ever a time when you loved him? Could it have been a marriage of convenience because you wanted to live in the United Kingdom?
Did you ever consider using birth control since having so many children was obviously a bad idea? You say you feel betrayed, but didn’t you betray yourself when you ‘recently slept with him’?
I’m afraid your only hope is to ask yourself some of these difficult questions and continue with the divorce, come hell or high water. Do it for those kids.
And finally… my horror at the Trump hysteria.
What a week! I was fascinated to watch Donald Trump’s inauguration, then equally interested and horrified to read all the hysteria on social media.
As a student of human nature, I gaped in disbelief at the pearl clutching, hand-wringing, fumes, doom prophecies, deranged rage, and dire weeping expressed on Facebook… just because someone told those people They intensely dislike was being sworn in as the 47th President of the United States of America.
Now, an angry, depressed trans person I know slightly is waiting for the Gestapo to knock on his door, even though he lives in Britain, not the Bronx.
A very intelligent British actress turned writer says she wanted to “throw up” even though she didn’t actually watch the ceremony. Dozens of people are accusing Elon Musk of giving a ‘Nazi’ salute when he did nothing of the sort, and there are photos of Kamala Harris and Hillary Clinton making even straighter arm gestures.
He is as crazy as all those dangerous leftist crazy people who support the vile and murderous Hamas on the streets of London and think they are virtuous. Trump is very right when he calls for “common sense.”
What bothers me the most is that they don’t allow you to have two thoughts in your head simultaneously, like ‘I don’t like Trump and I never did’ and ‘Hey, this could turn out well for America and the West.’ It is no surprise that there is a mental health problem supposedly affecting the country.
People seem to have lost the ability to see nuance, debate rationally, weigh possibilities and alternatives, and recognize opposing points of view. “Well, I’m not interested in this, but hey, let’s wait and see.”
All the abuse and catastrophizing is so juvenile and doesn’t benefit anyone. I often ask for resilience.
Wow, it’s necessary!
- Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters but regrets that she cannot correspond personally.