Dear Bel,
I don’t know if you’ll read this, but this is the first time I’ve said this to someone. I am 57 years old and I have been with my wonderful husband since I was 20 and we planned to spend the rest of our lives together.
However, the universe did not agree and David died two years ago. cancer.
We didn’t have children because we were very happy together.
We loved our holidays and we both had good jobs, so as well as being very happy, we were financially secure.
After his devastating death I never thought I would meet anyone, mainly because I just wasn’t interested.
But I fell in love with David’s brother Simon, always there for me and a good friend for over 30 years.
Both single, we have realized, in recent months, that our feelings are mutual. We enjoy being together and often like to talk about David, which is comforting to both of us.
But I can’t move on because the guilt prevents me from being happy.
I know we could be happy together and enjoy the future, but it seems like Simon is taking his brother’s place.
Pipe
Bel Mooney responds: Thank you for confirming my belief that we can never say “never” because we simply cannot know what the universe (or Fate, God, whichever you prefer) has in store.
I read all my letters carefully, but it’s not often that I receive one as short and sweet as this love story of yours.
But we are talking about two love stories, right? You and David were meant for each other during your lucky time on this Earth. His death left you completely heartbroken and during those dark days it must have been a great comfort to have the support of his brother Simon.
At times you might even have felt that Simon’s very presence seemed to bring the spirit of David back into your life.
Now we have the second love story. You could never have imagined falling in love again, but you have, not with “a stranger,” but with the good man you’ve known for more than 30 years: the friend, the brother-in-law who loved you like his brother’s wife. , but now he loves you only for yourself.
I had no idea there was ever any problem with a relationship like this, but it was illegal for many years. The relationship between in-laws was considered as close as that of blood relatives, which, of course, rationally it is not.
The first change, in 1907, only allowed a man to marry his deceased wife’s sister, this to help families in which the wife had died in childbirth and her sister stepped in to care for the family. It was not until 1921 that a new change occurred because many men had died during the war, leaving many widows and children struggling to survive.
Also, thanks to you, I now know about the Levirate marriage. It was a custom in which the brother of a deceased person was obliged to marry his brother’s widow. It was and is practiced by societies with a strong clan structure that prohibited marriage outside the group.
It was considered good for that society for a man to “take his brother’s place.”
Since I consider the love you and Simon have discovered a cause for celebration, I wonder what you mean by “moving on.”
Questions about the ‘future’, when my gut tells me you should live in the present and take this new version of an old relationship very slowly.
Two years later, the pain for her husband is still fresh. You and Simon can comfort each other by remembering David, but also enjoy the development of your feelings. Guilt should have nothing to do with it.
But I’m worried that you’re worried about what people will say. That would be natural, but it shouldn’t dictate your feelings since, over time, they get used to new situations. That’s why I urge you to enjoy your time together and just live in the moment.
Given their long and happy marriage, I can only imagine that David’s spirit would wish him joy.
Dear Bel,
Our adult son has been through difficult times throughout his childhood and since childhood, with a number of challenges to face. Due to a serious illness, he has a weakened immune system, so he is not a strong person. Living with us, he has no friends or social life.
His job is not well paid and involves a two-hour round trip. We are retired and live in the country; There’s nothing right for him around here, even if he had the confidence to apply.
His closest companion in recent years has been his cat, but sadly Maisie died suddenly six weeks ago. At only six years old, she was run over early one morning and died instantly. My son found her with horrible injuries and brought her home.
He blames himself because he had to get up earlier than usual that day, otherwise she wouldn’t have gone out. He couldn’t take a day off from work and that made him late. His boss, totally unfriendly, said: “It’s just a cat.”
He has been distraught ever since and sees no way forward. My heart breaks for him and I don’t know how to support him. He doesn’t eat or sleep properly and constantly breaks down crying. He won’t go to the doctor, consider counseling or going to the Samaritans or calling pet bereavement hotlines, but he would be interested in talking to someone within the church.
He feels that Maisie will be lonely and scared without anyone to care for her and hopes that she will be in heaven and that he will see her there soon.
We are believers but not churchgoers, although I have recently gone to church to pray for guidance.
I emailed our vicar a couple of weeks ago to ask if there was anyone our son could talk to about his feelings, but I received an automated response and have yet to hear back.
Queen Camilla recently lost her beloved dog and my heart breaks for her and all those who suffer the loss of a pet. We are desperate to find support to guide our son through this difficult time. Is there anything you can suggest?
Pat
Bel Mooney responds: Anyone who says “just a cat” or “just a dog” is guilty of a huge lack of empathy and should keep silent.
Even if you are not an animal lover, you should have the humility to understand that there are deep human emotions that your imagination simply cannot comprehend.
Hear me out: a beloved pet is family to those who mourn its precious presence in their lives.
Of course, for a woman mourning her husband, or a man watching the slow death of his wife as dementia takes hold, or a young couple crying over a baby, such feelings toward an animal may seem rude
I understand.
But I would kindly suggest to you that the love that you, especially the lonely, the sick, the depressed and the vulnerable, feel for a precious companion animal is… well… immense.
That’s all you need to know, even if the meaning is beyond your understanding. It’s easy for me to understand, Pat, why your poor son is mourning his beloved cat, but you need to calmly tell him that wishing he was dead too isn’t helping Maisie. You need to listen to what your little soul is telling you right now. Which I will return to.
But let me start with a quote: “When you finally understand how easily the essence of life is expressed in a purr or a wiggle, you turn onto a new path through the forest.”
What is that path? Well, those words come from a book about pet grief (Goodbye Pet and See You in Heaven) that I wrote to discover what I could learn from my grief for a dog, Bonnie, who died in 2015.
My search took me down many paths, discovering how different cultures (Egyptian and Hindu, for example) have approached the question of whether animals have souls.
In that book I quote letters sent to me by some lovely readers, published in the Mail.
One lady wrote: ‘As a practicing Christian, I came to the conclusion that if God thought the Garden of Eden was not complete without animals, why would heaven be any different? It’s comforting to think of all my cats sitting on the laps of angels…’
In Matthew 6, Jesus says: ‘Look at the birds of the air; They neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.’
A careful reading of the New Testament reveals that Jesus was well aware of the lessons to be learned from the smallest creatures, such as a sparrow or a chicken.
The main lesson has to do with care, and I believe that loving an animal is a great teacher.
I just want your son to know that his feelings matter.
If it helps, look up the legend of the Rainbow Bridge, because it may bring you comfort. Then suggest that this wise woman here at the Mail says that the love we feel for a beloved pet has a purpose.
Since Maisie taught him exactly how to love, that precious lesson should not be wasted. It’s too important. She must listen to his contented purr inside her heart and… soon… rescue a kitten who needs it as much as she does.
Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues each week. Write to Bel Mooney, daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all the letters but regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence.