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Dear Bel,
Recently, “Evie” asked you, “Can I move on from my husband’s betrayal?” Well, I’m one of those people labeled as ‘the other woman’ – just at the end of a four-year affair with a man who has everything.
He is in his mid-fifties, his partner is 32, I am 61. He was famous, and so was his partner. They had two children while our affair was going on and they will be married next year.
Oh, why did he push our very close, long-standing, platonic friendship into an affair? Because he could: he’s tall, athletic and absolutely gorgeous, articulate and incredibly charming.
I am very successful in my field and we have had some very intense, luxurious stays in hotels all over the country.
He courted me with phone calls, expressing his desire to see me even when he was with her.
Yes, I had a husband, but after thirty years of marriage we had become a sexless friendship and I am about to leave him. He remains ignorant of the affair.
My behavior was reprehensible, so – even though my heart was broken – I don’t expect any sympathy. I didn’t tell anyone; even I don’t understand why he, with the pleasure of a 32 year old at home, had made plans to spend a night or two with me. You were absolutely right when you explained that these guys do it ‘because they can’.
I was so flattered when he made a move on me because I never felt like he would look at me because of the age difference (although I’m not an old harridan!). I was so in love, but now I wonder what’s going on with him.
Life goes on, but I’m not sure I’d bet on him “letting everyone else down” next year.
You rightly mention the ability to compartmentalize; he was thoughtful, loving and I was his world – when I was with him.
It was intoxicating and addictive and made me desperate for the next time. I fooled myself into believing that I was giving him something that he wasn’t experiencing in their relationship.
I’m hurt, a little bitter, but know you’ll ask if I feel guilty. Yes, for my husband, who didn’t deserve this.
Other than that…I’m afraid not. The way I see it, guilt is his cross to bear. What do you think?
Emma
CALL MOONEY REPLY: It’s brave of you to write, and I’m glad you were able to make the case for that much-maligned person, “the other woman.”
Not that you would see it that way, I’m sure. But your honesty in describing how you felt flattered by the attractive man’s attention, fell in love, and longed to be with him, and just lived for those encounters in hotels… all will be shared by other women in your position recognized.
You are a successful person in your own right, and yet love has turned you into an addict without thinking about the consequences of your actions.
I hope and pray that the feeling of utter recklessness (so common to humanity) will not now lead you to any form of revenge. By that I mean, to be blunt, you don’t take it upon yourself to tell this man’s fiancée exactly what kind of man she’s marrying.
They have two children; disclosure would only hurt you more in the end. Maybe you haven’t thought about revenge yet, but that would make you a saint. You say you’re ‘bitter’ – and it’s easy to see why. You were dumped by the very charismatic younger man who dominated your thoughts for four years.
Before that, he was your friend and colleague, so you knew him well, but you still weren’t prepared for the attack on your feelings. The fact that you fell so hard for him must have pleased his ego immensely.
So the lucky guy could be making babies with his much younger girlfriend, meeting you for sexy trysts in hotels and assuring you that he was thinking about you the entire time he was with her. What double s***!
Yes, I mentioned compartmentalization a few weeks ago in my reply to “Evie,” but just because I’m right doesn’t make the behavior any better.
But I know that for a certain kind of person (man or woman) it’s not that hard to be two people in the same body, who arrogantly and greedily want everything to fall into your lap and stay there.
I doubt he ever feels guilty about anything. Either way, now that it’s over, you should pay close attention to what you do with the rest of your life.
Is it really all over with your husband? A contented marriage without sex may be just what you need after the emotional chaos of your affair.
A friend, a companion and some peace and quiet… that seems fine to me. You say he knows nothing – and I hope he remains in that state of ignorance while you suffer in silence. I can’t believe you ever thought your loved one would leave their partner to be with you; you just had to live in the moment and enjoy the thrill.
Now you have to live in this moment of harsh realism, but realize that it will pass. I hope you can hide your hurt feelings and focus on your success in your profession – and leave the bitterness behind. Deep in your heart you must have known it would end this way. No choice but to deal with it.
Can a mother’s love forgive all?
Dear Bel
My 33 year old son is in pre-trial detention due to allegations made by his ex.
She has accused him of coercive abuse. He was originally labeled and told not to contact her, but he continued to see her.
When he finished with her in August, she reported him to the police. He was denied bail until his trial in January.
I’ve had problems with him for years because he’s addicted to weed. He has never worked and gets £1,300 a month in benefits, but always tried to get money from me and his grandmother.
Now he is being evicted from prison due to rent arrears. I can’t let him move home because I don’t trust him. And recently my wonderful partner moved in with his teenage son.
I am at a loss.
Where will he go when he leaves prison? I went to his flat after he allowed me to open his mail and I saw that he is thousands of pounds in debt for unpaid water bills, mobile phones etc. The list goes on.
How can he be in debt if he doesn’t pay rent/council tax? I’m really tired of the whole drama and honestly feel like taking a big step back to keep him at bay. I never heard from him unless he wanted something. What is your advice?
CAROLE
CALL REPLY: People make many assumptions about motherhood, one common one being that a mother’s love for her child is unconditional. I always thought so too, until a chance meeting at a Christmas party many years ago opened my eyes.
I struck up a conversation with a stranger and, perhaps because she had had a few glasses of wine and didn’t know me, she made a confession that shocked me.
Her adult son, who had moved back home, made their lives a misery because of his addictions.
There were times when, off his face of alcohol and heroin, he even attacked her to get her bag.
Then the bomb came; she confessed that when she saw an ambulance driving through the city towards where they lived, she hoped in her heart that someone had called 999 because her son lay dead of an overdose.
That may shock some readers, but I wonder if it really shocks you.
Since that day, I have met other parents driven to despair by the behavior of the children they once adored.
Of course, there’s the heart exam in the blue hours of the night, when everything is magnified, and they wonder, “What did we do wrong?”
And every now and then they may answer that question because they feel guilty about not spending enough time together, or because their marriage has broken down… but the truth will remain hidden forever.
I’m telling you all that to let you know that I understand your anger and despair—and perhaps your guilt, too.
I also see that it will not do your son any good to know that you now have a new “son” – the one who lives in your home with his father, your “great partner.”
Nevertheless, I think you are right to ‘take a step back’. You have your own life to live and now a chance at happiness, and I don’t see why you should be obliged to sacrifice that because of a myth about unconditional motherly love.
A 33-year-old man has made his own choices and must bear the consequences of his actions.
Whatever damaged him in his youth or whatever bad friends led him astray, the fact remains that he chose to spend the benefits given him by an overly generous society on cannabis.
If only there could be an intervention one day – perhaps in the form of a strong partner – to put him on the right track. But I agree it can’t be you.
Every week Bel answers questions from readers about emotional and relationship problems. Write to Bel Mooney daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London
W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are being changed to protect identities.
Bel reads all the letters except regrets that she cannot conduct personal correspondence.