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Ask Amy: My sister-in-law hasn’t congratulated us on our marriage

Dear Amy: Several years ago my daughter had a preschool teacher she loved and she was fired for what at the time seemed like a dubious reason.

I empathized with her situation and met with her a couple of times immediately afterward so my daughter could see her and talk about the situation.

I didn’t expect to develop a long-term friendship with her.

Since then he has contacted me sporadically, whenever he is in a difficult emotional situation.

We’re not friends, and she only contacts me when she has an emergency. So it’s urgent, at odd times and time consuming. It’s strange behaviour.

She is married and has family and friends. I’m not even close enough to her to recommend that she see a therapist.

The last time this happened, I hadn’t heard from her in about a year.

He asked if we could meet and I told him that I was very busy preparing for a trip and that I would have to schedule it for another time.

She ignored this and repeatedly tried to contact me while I was out of town. Amy, I am a busy professional with a family to care for and my own relationships to manage.

I’m not the type of person who would ever “ghost” someone, but I was never friends with this person in the first place, and she’s ignoring my boundaries. Is it okay if I just ignore her?

– Not a therapist

Dear no: You don’t mention the content of the contact this person is bothering you with. If they email or text you for advice and you don’t want to participate, you can politely reply, “Sorry, I can’t help you with this. I hope you find some resolution!”

If she contacts you to meet and you already told her you’re not available, then she needs to reread her previous messages and get a lead.

You’ve already asked her to change the date, but instead you’ve decided to end the relationship. If she contacts you and she says, “I think you’re probably back from your travels, can you guys meet up?” She may reply, “I’m sorry, but I’ll have to decline. Life gets in the way.”

After that, you may need to be more direct.

Dear Amy, I’ve been with “Bobby” for two years.

We got married last year (very quietly), but haven’t done the celebrating part with family and friends yet.

We are planning our celebration, and we will carry it out in four months.

My husband’s sister (my new sister-in-law) has not congratulated us or given us anything resembling a card or gift.

Maybe he’ll do these things at the actual celebration, but I’m not sure.

Do you think she has a problem with us getting married? Or do you think she has a problem with me?

– Worried bride/bride-to-be

Dear Interested Person, Every time I shake my “Magic 8 Ball”, the answer is: “Uncertain outlook”.

From the way he describes this relationship, he obviously feels insecure about it. Perhaps you don’t know your husband’s sister very well, or have had limited or negative interactions with her.

My suggestions are to try to establish a positive relationship in the future.

Consider asking his advice regarding one aspect of the wedding planning. If appropriate, you could offer her a role in the wedding.

If she responds to your offers in a rude, cold, or non-responsive manner at all, then you have to assume that she has a problem with you, her brother, or the larger world around her.

If you haven’t done anything to inspire their behavior, then don’t take it personally!

I realize this is easy for me to say and very hard for you to do, but if you are able to use this experience to gain the extremely important skill of not taking things personally, then I would say this would be your sister. .Lasting and valuable wedding gift from in-laws to you.

Dear Amy: “Underrated” recounted the pain and pressure of having grandparents who openly favored two cousins ​​over him.

Well, I was the favorite grandchild of all my grandparents’ grandchildren, and I must report that their opening up about it was difficult for all of us.

To this day I feel guilty, even though it wasn’t my fault, and it affected my relationship with my cousins.

– Favored and Guilty

Dear Favorite, Thank you for noting the long-term impact of favoritism.

I wonder if he could alter the outcome by taking this up with his cousins ​​now.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @asking either Facebook.)

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