Dear Amy, My husband had an affair eight years ago, but it seems I found out about it yesterday. It hurts every day.
I filed for divorce when I found out. She begged for a second chance and ended the matter, and I took it.
When I want to talk about my feelings, it ends in a fight, with him saying that I should get over it and that he’s not the same person.
I have so much anger inside that I wonder if therapy would help me deal with my problems, or if it is possible to overcome this.
What do you think?
– Still hurt, still angry
Dear Injured: Yes, counseling could help you both heal from this betrayal. Talking about this could lead you to unravel aspects of other relationships as well, going back in time.
A proper therapist will guide you and you will come to understand that you can actually feel your negative feelings and emotions and then release them.
This episode has involved many years of his life. She drives a wedge into her marriage, interfering with her ability to regain her intimacy and trust.
Your husband’s reaction to your attempts to discuss this is cruel and unfair. He may be responding to his own fear of facing accusations, when for you, talking about his own feelings and perhaps hearing an acknowledgment and an offer of forgiveness would help you heal.
If he expects you to “get over it,” he needs to be brave enough to be with you every step of the way.
But you can’t count on your husband responding in any particular way. Therapy can help you recognize this reality and face it.
There are many books related to healing from an affair. My own experience from long ago taught me that after anger and sadness, forgiveness would be my liberating path.
Dear Amy, On several occasions I loaned my former co-worker, “Cal”, a portable oxygen concentrator that my late husband used.
Cal’s wife, whom I’ve never met, requires almost full-time oxygen use, and the concentrator makes her frequent out-of-state trips to visit family much easier than boating, which is the only alternative she offers. your insurance.
The hub also allows you to fly on these trips, since most airlines prohibit boats.
The last time he borrowed it was six months ago. I had forgotten that Cal borrowed it, but I texted him a couple of months ago to check.
Before I could mention it, he apologized for not contacting me and asked if his wife could use it one more time in the following week and then bring it back.
I said of course.
That was the last time I heard from him.
I am conflicted on how to handle this. I am disappointed in this person and I think he has just decided to keep the hub unless he specifically demands that he return it.
I don’t need it and had actually considered giving it to him when he first borrowed it from me.
Should I let it go?
I have considered blocking all communication with him as a way of drawing a final line through any supposed friendship we had.
I guess I’m mostly disappointed that someone who was pretending to be a friend is apparently a user.
– Upset
Dear Annoyed, “Cal” has a lot on his plate. As you know, helping to care for someone on oxygen is hard work.
I understand that portable oxygen concentrators are medical devices that require a prescription. Let’s assume that Cal’s wife has been seen by her doctor and that she has a prescription for this device.
Just as you forgot that you lent Cal this expensive and valuable item, isn’t it possible that he forgot to return it?
I suggest you go ahead and offer to sell it to him at a very reasonable price, or go ahead and give him the hub.
Doing so would make both of you feel better, and it might inspire you to return the favor, if the opportunity presents itself.
Dear Amy, “Mom” wrote to you explaining her concern about revealing to her eldest son that he was conceived through “artificial insemination.”
Nowhere does it say that you used a sperm donor and yet you assumed that you had!
– confused reader
Dear Confused: You’re right, I made that assumption, which was based on the mother’s extreme concern about disclosure.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @asking either Facebook.)
