Happy Barbenheimer Day! That’s what the pranksters are calling it on social media, as Greta Gerwig’s fluffy satire Barbie takes on Christopher Nolan’s intense drama Oppenheimer, about the scientist who helped create the atomic bomb, at the global box office.
This is by no means the first time two big movies have released on the same day. In fact, few other face-offs have been as culturally intriguing as this one. In November 1995, for example, Martin Scorsese’s crime epic Casino was released alongside Pixar’s inaugural animation Toy Story.
But no one tried to merge those two titles, and besides, their contrasts weren’t quite as compelling as Barbie and Oppenheimer’s: a pair of one-word names, one synonymous with girls playing innocently with their dolls, the other with an existential threat to humanity.
I reviewed Barbie (12A, ****) in Wednesday’s paper and Oppenheimer (15, *****) yesterday. But beyond the star ratings, I’m celebrating Barbenheimer’s Day by pairing the two movies in ten rounds and awarding them points out of 50, to help you decide which blockbuster is the winner for you…
Greta Gerwig’s Barbie Satire
Oppenheimer by Christopher Nolan
BEST STORY
BARBIE
In the marshmallow pink utopia that is Barbie Land, Margot Robbie plays the stereotypical Barbie, who one day begins to malfunction and is sent to the human world to find out why. She is accompanied on this adventure by Ken (Ryan Gosling), who, like his fellow Kens, is completely enthralled by the many Barbies… until he discovers that it is actually the male of the species that holds all the cards. Barbie must also deal with this startling discovery and, at the same time, find her own real self.
oppenheimer
A biopic about J. Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy), the brilliant theoretical physicist who, with World War II raging, is appointed head of the Los Alamos Laboratory in New Mexico. There, his leadership proves vital in the development of the world’s first nuclear weapons. But the film follows him from his student days in the 1930s to the security hearing in 1954, in which his pre-war communist sympathies are examined.
MOST IMPRESSIVE SCENE
BARBIE
When Barbie and Ken first arrive in Los Angeles, resplendent in their beachwear, beaming with naivete, they are shocked by all the negative feedback they receive. It is totally predictable, but no less fun for that.
oppenheimer
The moment at Los Alamos in July 1945 when a nuclear device is detonated for the first time, an operation codenamed Trinity, is one of the most tense and extraordinary spectacles I have ever witnessed on the big screen. The masterful cinematography and sound design really took my breath away.
SMARTER LINE
BARBIE
The script, by Gerwig and his partner Noah Baumbach, has a lot of great lines. But the self-consciousness of the whole exercise is delightfully satirized when Barbie says she looks ugly and narrator Helen Mirren mischievously points out that for the line to have any meaning, the filmmakers shouldn’t have cast Robbie.
oppenheimer
At its best, Nolan’s script is thought-provoking. “We have one hope: anti-Semitism,” says Oppenheimer. He himself is Jewish, but he means German scientists who could still outsmart Americans in the nuclear race. Many are Jews but Hitler is so blinded by hatred that he wants to eradicate them.
MOST STAR CAST
BARBIE
Led by two bona fide movie stars in Robbie and Gosling, Barbie’s supporting cast takes some beating as well. Includes Will Ferrell, Kate McKinnon, Emma Mackey, Dua Lipa, John Cena, and Michael Cera.
oppenheimer
Cillian Murphy was a bold choice for the title role; despite the success of Peaky Blinders, she is by no means a household name in America. But otherwise, the cast is full of stars, including Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Robert Downey Jr., Gary Oldman, Kenneth Branagh, Florence Pugh, and Rami Malek.
SEXIEST MOMENT
BARBIE
Maybe it’s just me, but… it’s when Barbie takes her slender foot out of her high-heeled shoe and stays in exactly the same arched position, a trick Robbie pulled off without stunts or special effects.
oppenheimer
There’s a decidedly steamy scene between Oppenheimer and his lover Jean Tatlock (Pugh), but it’s sexier when the two lounge, stark naked, in a heart-to-heart after intercourse.
EASIER ON THE BLADDER
BARBIE
This is not a contest. Barbie weighs in at an hour and 54 minutes, which these days feels relatively modest.
oppenheimer
They are three hours long. Which is actually not as challenging as it could be, because there’s a lot of story to tell. But still… bring snacks.
STAR OF THE SHOW
BARBIE
The powerful irony, in a story about women’s empowerment, is that it’s a guy who steals the movie. Gosling is hilarious as Ken.
oppenheimer
He may not be a top-tier movie star yet, but Murphy couldn’t be a better choice for the lead role and he rises to the occasion. An Oscar-worthy performance.
BRITANNIAN RULES
BARBIE
There’s some solid British content, with Dame Helen Mirren as the narrator, Kingsley Ben-Adir as one of the Kens, Emma Mackey as one of the Barbies, and a fun role as a lowly Mattel clerk for Connor Swindells, the talented young English actor who was so wonderful as the lead in the BBC drama SAS: Rogue Heroes. Also keep an eye out for Emerald Fennell, who played Camilla Parker-Bowles on The Crown.
oppenheimer
Like Harry S. Truman, Gary Oldman continues the bizarre trend of British actors getting elected as US Presidents in Hollywood movies. I can’t count Murphy, as an Irishman, but with Blunt and Pugh as the lead female characters, not to mention Branagh, and of course Nolan leading the charge as writer-director, this beats it.
SUPERIOR LIKE
BARBIE
Barbie is flawlessly beautiful and so is Robbie.
oppenheimer
Murphy is slightly shorter than Oppenheimer, but he lost a lot of weight to replicate the gaunt, hollow-cheeked look of the scientist.
MOST POWERFUL MESSAGE
BARBIE
That women can overcome the so-called patriarchy and fulfill their potential in the real world, not just in Barbie Land.
oppenheimer
That great advances in science do not necessarily equate to great advances for humanity.
