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Every autumn, back-to-school month is a stressful time. There are tantrums over what to wear each morning, wrinkled noses over the contents of lunch boxes, and tired tears before bed. Plus, there are the kids to deal with.
To add drama to the situation, just look at the clique policies of moms at school. We know we can’t be friends with everyone, but there are strategies we can adopt to avoid being that mom everyone looks down on and crosses the street to avoid.
“Parenting is a very sensitive topic,” says etiquette expert Jo Bryant. “We all have different standards and different family dynamics and values.
“Most elementary classes have an eclectic mix of parents, from those who are all-deserving and super-efficient to those who are perpetually disorganized and just don’t care. You have to be somewhere in the middle.”
Below are the six most common trouble spots at school gates that Jo believes should be avoided…
Check out our expert’s rules on how not to be the mom at the school gate that other parents try to avoid
WhatsApp error
Permanently mute the class group if necessary, but never leave, it’s too rude.
Also, don’t use it as your personal assistant. Before you ask the group anything, check the school messages first. WhatsApp should be an alternative, not the preferred option.
If you have a group chat for the whole year, limit it to academics and practicals and split it into separate groups to deal with the social side of things – no one wants to receive 20 messages about a night out at the bar they can’t attend. Class WhatsApp messages are also not a place to express extreme opinions or criticisms about school.
Work from home on play dates
If you are going to bring someone’s child to your home after school, clarify with the other parent whether you will be working while he or she plays.
In any case, it is necessary that you be accessible to those children if necessary.
If you have a Zoom call that you absolutely can’t get out of, the door to your workspace is closed, and you can’t be disturbed, then don’t invite other people’s kids.
There is a clear etiquette when it comes to reciprocal playdates. If it’s just playing after school and eating a bowl of pasta, it’s okay not to invite them back every time. But if someone spends a lot of money taking your child for a ride or a long drive, you should make sure to return the favor.
Complaining about meals
Etiquette expert Jo Bryant says: “Most school classes have an eclectic mix of parents, from the deserving and super-efficient to the disorganised and the simply uncaring. You need to be somewhere in the middle.”
You have to see these people every day of the week for several years. School gossip usually spreads quickly, so it is not worth pointing out any trivial dissatisfaction to another parent.
If you’re not happy with the fact that your child was given McDonald’s and donuts for tea, or sat in front of the TV for four hours, just don’t say yes to the offer of a play date there again.
And if your invitations to play are constantly being rejected, take the hint. It’s just like in any other social situation. You wouldn’t continually invite a friend to the bar if they said no every time.
Move on and don’t take it too personally.
Peeling at the fair
You don’t have to volunteer for every trip or event, but if you go to an event, you can and should help.
If you’re walking around the Christmas market for an hour and a half, there’s no way you can’t help out for 30 minutes at the raffle, for example.
It’s frustrating for other parents to see that you enjoy what’s on offer, but you never do the work behind the scenes, and it will be obvious to everyone that you’re not interested. School is a community, and communities need people.
Playground Office
Once you enter the playground, you shouldn’t be using your phone unless it’s urgent. What it says to everyone is “don’t talk to me,” but also “I’m not prioritizing my child.” Unless it’s vitally important, it can wait five minutes.
This is good basic education and sets the right example for your child in using technology.
Boasting about the child
Other parents are not interested in their children’s academic success.
And if you have genuine concerns about their progress, go to your best friend on the school network.
Don’t do what one mother I know did and go through the reading records of every child who came to her house to compare them to her own.
You can brag about your child’s success to your family and grandparents, and you can respond to a compliment from other parents, but don’t start a conversation about how well your child is doing.
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