If you find that the idea of sex is quietly slipping down your “to do” list and you’re increasingly noticing a discrepancy in your partner’s libido, you may take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
A big survey released earlier this year by my online sex education platform, Beducated, found that a measly 40 percent of us rate our sex lives positively. Nearly two-thirds of the 1,800 respondents said they felt “neutral,” “dissatisfied” or “very dissatisfied” with their sex lives. One in five confessed to being completely out of sync with their partner.
There seems to be a silent epidemic of apathy and lack of communication in the bedroom that is especially affecting middle-aged couples. The good news?
If you’re stuck in a sexual rut or struggling to find anything resembling desire, there are are solutions.
Read on to find out how to close the sexual gap…
Charge the batteries of your privacy
In long-term relationships, women often see a more rapid drop in libido than men. Our survey found that one in four women experience a low or absent libido (almost double the rate of men), so it’s no wonder so many heterosexual couples talk about a mismatch in sex drive.
But intimacy is like a phone battery that needs to be charged every day. Dr. Juliana Hauser, Beducated’s libido and desire expert, suggests thinking of the sexual connection between you as a “runway rather than a pit stop” and trying to pepper your day with small gestures (a small kiss on the lips at wake up, a foot massage, or a sexy text message) to create connection and foster intimacy.
These small adjustments will accumulate throughout the day, nudging latent feelings of desire so that you are more likely to be open to intimacy.
Go to the gym
Your physical and mental health plays a vital role in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have confidence, that shyness will creep into the bedroom.
But 40 percent of respondents said they would like to feel safer in the bedroom. And our data found that regular physical activity, even just once a week, increases sexual satisfaction, desire, and confidence. Gym-goers were 22 percent more likely to report being “satisfied” or “very satisfied” with their sex lives than those who did not exercise regularly.
Physical activity increases feel-good hormones and generally body confidence. Dr. Hauser says this could increase the variety of positions you’re inclined to try in bed and will undoubtedly improve your ability to stay sexually active longer.
Let’s be honest, the results can also affect your sexual attraction to your partner and hers to you.
Smell his sweaty shirt
Don’t underestimate the power of smell! We are very sensitive to the pheromones in our partner’s sweat and it is possible that women have evolved in such a way that the smell of a man can trigger ovulation and an increase in libido.
If you rarely hug him, you may be missing out on the libido-boosting effects of his masculine scent. So give him a big hug when he comes home from work or sniff his sports jersey.
REAL foreplay
Stress is a big mood killer: 61 percent of our survey participants said it directly affects their sex life. Women may be disproportionately affected and report that dealing with daily stressors can leave them too exhausted to be intimate.
It can be really complicated to shift from one role (parent, worker, dog body) to a space where you connect sexually. So don’t even think about any kind of sexual foreplay until you’ve cleared the mental clutter that limits libido and causes stress.
Dr. Hauser recommends getting rid of distracting thoughts by writing a “to do” list and leaving it in the kitchen. Put your phone out of reach: There’s nothing sexy about precoital scrolling.
Change your sexual script
Don’t let sex become a repetitive task. Dr. Hauser’s ‘Four Quadrants’ exercise is a great way to spice things up. Sit together and write a long list of every kind of sexual action you can think of, from kissing to something outside your comfort zone. Then, working individually, place each action in one of the four quadrants:
- Something you’ve tried and want to try again
- Something you’ve tried and don’t think you want to do it again
- Something you haven’t tried and are curious to try
- Something you haven’t tried and are pretty sure you don’t want to try
Going over your charts together can generate ideas for experiences you’d both like to try (as well as the opportunity to ask for “time” for activities you no longer enjoy).
Plan a date night without food
While you may worry that putting sex in the diary takes away the spontaneity of the act, it can be a game-changer for couples struggling to find time to be intimate.
But a big fancy dinner will only leave you bloated and sleepy. Instead, get those creative juices flowing by setting aside an afternoon to read an erotic novel together, sign up for a tango class, or relax in a spa day. Spending time together in a relaxing environment can have a huge intimacy-enhancing effect.
look him in the eyes
Long-term couples rarely look each other in the eye. Studies show that men very often stare into a woman’s eyes at the beginning of a relationship, but over time the habit disappears. But women crave “the look” and this simple act can help rekindle a dormant libido.
Try this exercise: Sit across from each other in a comfortable spot and spend two minutes looking into each other’s eyes. Dr. Hauser suggests trying this with your bodies not touching and then again with your knees just brushing: “The experience can really intensify when you add physical contact,” she says.
let’s talk about sex
Feeling unable to express your wants, needs, and boundaries is a huge problem: A staggering 95 percent of respondents said they wish they or their partner would communicate better.
Dr. Hauser says that feeling emotionally connected is very exciting and that communication is paramount.
If the thought of talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, try pillow talk after orgasm, when oxytocin (the bonding hormone) floods your body.
Try asking: What do you fear about sex? What do you want when it comes to sex?
As told to Louise Atkinson
- Mariah Freya is the founder and CEO of www.Beducated.com, which is an online sex education course platform for adults.
- Dr. Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist, psychosocial education expert, coach, and author of A New Position on Sex (published Fall 2024) www.dr-juliana.com