Childhood trauma is something that can affect a person for the rest of their life.
For some, their parents may have been too strict or absent altogether, but others may have had a much more sinister relationship, experiencing a childhood raised by narcissistic parents.
A narcissist is a manipulative person who lacks empathy and has an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They have excessive concern for themselves and their needs, even at the expense of others.
When a narcissist’s behavior becomes severe enough, they may be diagnosed with a mental health condition, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
A narcissistic parent or one with NPD is self-absorbed and only sees their children as extensions of themselves, and often expects their children to make sacrifices to meet their own needs.
They can be controlling, volatile and emotionally abusive, and may deny love and compassion to their children.
This leads to children developing low self-esteem and deep insecurities, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy relationships in adulthood.
A 2022 study It is estimated that between one and two percent of the general population suffers from this disorder, although this is likely an undercount because narcissists often try to hide their narcissistic traits.
Having a narcissistic parent can cause trauma to children and this can result in lifelong problems.
It is unclear whether narcissistic parenting patterns have become more common, or whether people have simply become more familiar with the term, or whether it has become more widely known as the therapy becomes more popular.
What is clear is that interest in the topic has increased.
Google Searches for narcissistic parents have increased steadily over the past two decades, and this phenomenon is now considered to contribute to a variety of psychological illnesses in children.
The #narcissisticparent hashtag on TikTok has over 143,000 posts.
Dr. Mena Mirhorm, a New Jersey-based psychiatrist and assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University, told DailyMail.com that psychiatrists have also seen this trend increase in their offices.
He said, “Unfortunately, it’s very common,” adding that he sees clients in his practice who had a narcissistic parent two or three times a week.
Because of this, he came up with common personality traits that narcissistic parents display and He offered suggestions on how to deal with the situation.
Do your parents show signs of CONTROL?
Narcissistic parents fit an acronym that Dr. Mirhorm called CONTROL.
C is for conditional love, meaning that narcissistic parents only offer love when they feel you are meeting their expectations.
If you didn’t get the grades your parents wanted, they may have made you feel like you weren’t good enough or no longer worthy of love.
Or it is above control. A narcissistic parent often feels that their way of doing things is the only or best way.
When they see you doing things differently than they would do it, they intervene and add their opinion on what is the best way to do things.
For example, they might say you used the dishwasher wrong simply because you loaded the dishes differently than they would, even if the dishes still end up clean.
This can create a deep sense of insecurity in the child that can persist into adulthood and make them feel that no matter how well they are doing something, they could do it better.
N is for neglect of emotion. Narcissistic parents tend to focus on their own needs.
When a child expresses his thoughts or feelings, especially when he is angry or sad, a narcissistic parent may be quick to dismiss them as this distracts him from focusing on the parent.
This might look like a parent encouraging their child not to cry or draw too much attention to themselves. Children raised in this environment may have difficulty staying in touch with their emotions and, as a result, may have trouble forming bonds with other people.
Or it could cause a reverse scenario, where the child never learns healthy emotional regulation and behaves in extreme ways.
T is for a two-sided treatment. Children who were raised with this pattern may feel that their parents behave very differently toward them in public and private settings.
Dr. Mirhom is an assistant professor at Columbia and runs his own psychiatry practice in Manhattan.
Dr. Mirhom said, “Sometimes they praise you publicly, because that will reflect well on the parents and in a way feed their narcissism.”
“But then privately they criticize you a lot and really put you under the microscope.”
This creates a feeling of anxiety in the child.
R is for role reversal. In these patterns, adults often rely inappropriately on their children for support. Sometimes this makes the child themselves feel like the adult in the relationship.
Dr. Mirhom said, “For example, a parent may say to a child, ‘You are the only one who understands me.’ You’re the one who can help me with this.” And what that does is put the child in the position of being a parent, of having to take on the emotional burden.”
This is harmful because it forces the child to take on too many responsibilities at too young an age. This can make a child feel like they have no one to depend on, which can persist into adulthood, making it difficult for the child of a narcissist to build relationships and trust others.
Or it is to praise too much, which can go hand in hand with a two-sided deal. With this trait, the parent gives their child an extreme amount of encouragement or love to do something that aligns with the parent’s wishes.
However, later, when that praise is removed, it reinforces the child’s feeling that he only deserves to be loved when he is “good.”
Finally, L is for lack of empathy. This is similar to neglect of emotions, except that instead of intentionally ignoring their child’s emotional needs, the parent is actually unable to understand why their child might feel sad, upset, or distressed.
Dr. Mirhom said, “Because the narcissist is always thinking about his own emotion and not the child’s emotion, he will say things like, ‘Why are you angry?’ What have you been going through? Oh, look what I’ve been through.’
In total, these different facets of narcissistic parenting combine with each other, making it more likely that a child will grow up insecure, with feelings of inadequacy and problems connecting with other people, as well as their own mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression. .
Practice becoming CALM
In 2023, actor Cole Sprouse spoke in an interview about how his mother’s decision to put him and his twin brother into acting when they were children may have reflected some narcissistic tendencies. She said, “I think it satisfied some kind of narcissism that she probably had to be recognized as this kind of artist.”
Once a person realizes that they may have been raised in this type of environment, Dr. Mirhom recommends taking steps to prepare before having to see or interact with their narcissistic parent or parents.
It is recommended to remember the acronym CALM.
The C for calm means creating boundaries. As an adult, a person raised by a narcissistic parent might benefit from deciding what they can tolerate.
For example, someone might ask their parents to refrain from criticizing them. If their parents cannot follow that boundary, then the child may decide to remove themselves from the situation to respect their own boundaries.
The A stands for adjust expectations. When people see their parents after a period of time, they may subconsciously expect things that their parents were never able to give them when they were children.
Someone might expect, for example, that their parents will be more understanding now that they are older and open to the possibility of reconciliation.
However, waiting for lifelong patterns to change often ends in disappointment.
“If you know someone has behaved in a particular way their entire life, there’s a good chance they won’t change,” Dr. Mirhom said.
L stands for borderline commitment, which means a person must pick their battles with their parents.
Narcissists often create conflicting scenarios and may try to revert to old tactics to make their child feel insignificant or unworthy.
In these scenarios, Dr. Mirhom said, sometimes it is better to remove yourself from the situation than to get involved in an active fight with your parents. This can cause explosions and conflicts that are bigger than necessary.
Finally, M means prepare mentally. This includes things like making sure you feel safe in your next interaction with your narcissistic parent and also learning how to identify what triggers you and the best way to remove yourself from situations that don’t serve you.
Dr. Mirhom told this website: “You want to know the way out before you fall into the fire.” You don’t want to wait until something bad already happens.’
While a childhood under a narcissistic parent can lead to people-pleasing, difficulty creating healthy boundaries, mental health conditions, and even displaying some narcissistic traits toward others, there are ways to get help, including individual therapy and group.