They say an apology can go a long way, but have you acknowledged your mistakes correctly?
Well, psychologists who have studied apologies for over 20 years have now revealed the correct way to say sorry.
Harriet Lerner and Karina Schumann recently shared their experience with Today as they emphasized the importance of admitting when you are wrong.
Harriet, author of Why Don’t You Apologize, said, “We all hurt other people the same way they hurt us.” Therefore, the need to give and receive apologies accompanies us until our last breath.’
Both she and Karina, an associate professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, agreed that it can be tricky to find the best way to say something sincere, but they shared their tips for doing it right.
Harriet Lerner (left) and Karina Schumann (right) recently shared their experience with Today and emphasized the importance of admitting when you’re wrong.
They both agreed that it can be difficult to find the best way to offer something sincere, but they shared their tips for doing it right (file image)
“Hearing those words of recognition that you are aware that something has happened that is upsetting or problematic for this person, and that you are not making excuses for it,” Karina told the outlet.
Harriet agreed and added: ‘When there is no apology or we botch it, it can put a crack in the foundation of a relationship, or even end it.’
He explained that it is often important to apologize even if we don’t necessarily think we are to blame or wrong.
This is because the absence of an apology can sometimes cause more discomfort than the initial misstep itself.
Harriet divulged: ‘The courage to apologize, and the wisdom and clarity to do it wisely and well, are at the heart of everything that is most important. It is at the heart of fatherhood, leadership and friendship.”
The expert stated that apologies are vital to holding ourselves accountable and reinforcing our sense of personal integrity and self-esteem.
Going deeper, she explained that saying sorry can trigger feelings of vulnerability, and since our brains are naturally defensive, many people can find it difficult to apologize.
This can also result in focusing on our perception of what is true or false, rather than listening to the person about their problem and then guiding us toward the solution.
But it turns out there is a right way to apologize, and it goes beyond just saying ‘I’m sorry.’
The first step to any meaningful conversation is the willingness to listen to the other person.
“Sit in the dock and listen with an open heart to the anger of the injured party,” Harriet said.
He insisted that it is important to let go of any defensiveness and truly try to see it from the other person’s perspective.
It is also essential to remember that, especially if it is a major betrayal, it may not be possible to express all the feelings in one conversation, but it is important to carry out the process.
The experts then explained that choosing the right language was key to assuming ‘clear and direct responsibility’.
Harriet said there should be no qualifications in the apology, meaning it should never include the word “but.”
Experts agreed that this could be a promise to alter future behavior or a promise not to make the same mistake again (file image)
The best apologies don’t shift focus to mentioning the other person’s reaction because that dilutes ownership.
“You don’t apologize for another person’s feelings, which maybe implies that if they were a little tougher and not as sensitive, maybe they wouldn’t feel so hurt,” he shared.
The third factor in crafting a sincere apology is to express the intention to compensate for the damage with a “corrective action” that can help rectify the situation.
Experts agreed that this could be a promise to alter future behavior or a promise not to make the same mistake again.
Likewise, it can be beneficial to take the initiative and address the problem head-on.
“We always wait for the injured party to bring it up, but an important part of making amends, when it’s something important, is taking the initiative to bring it up,” Harriet divulged.
The next part of getting an apology right is allowing space and time for forgiveness because after everything is said and done, some harmed parties may not be ready to move on right away.
Karina shared: ‘Some think that an apology is simply not enough for some types of offenses. There should be no onus or pressure on victims to forgive immediately when they receive an apology.’
He warned that sometimes, no matter how sincere we are, “forgiveness” is a great starting point, but it is part of a “longer process of accountability.”
The last advice the psychologists gave is that it is important to work together to achieve an ultimate goal, as Karina added: “It takes two.”
There are also no time limits on apologies.
Harriet said it “could have been something that happened a long, long time ago,” but better than never.