The Golden Globes kicked off Hollywood’s awards season on Sunday night, handing out honors to actors, shows and movies that half the audience has never heard of.
So, let me break it all down for you, dear reader. These are the only awards you really need to know about.
The best host, not Ricky Gervais
Comedian Nikki Glaser was this year’s natural host after her hysterical roasting of NFL mannequin Tom Brady. But expectations were as high as Seth Rogan at a Taco Bell. Thank goodness this blonde bombshell has some brains.
Glaser lowered the bar, telling Vanity Fair this week: “I’m not going to try so hard that anyone will be offended… I’m not Ricky Gervais.” Well, it made me snort so hard I fell off the couch, with hits like ‘Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch’. These aren’t just words Ben Affleck yells after orgasms. These are some of the incredible films nominated tonight.”
Too bad the idiots in Tinseltown didn’t behave with such aplomb.
Comedian Nikki Glaser was this year’s natural host after her hysterical roasting of NFL mannequin Tom Brady. But expectations were as high as Seth Rogan at a Taco Bell. Thank goodness this blonde bombshell has some brains.
More unhinged
Zoe Saldana won best supporting actress for Emilia Pérez, a musical thriller about a drug cartel boss who wants to become a woman (i.e. a standard coming-of-age story).
Saldana ruined the moment by endlessly naming her exotic co-stars and shouting, “I’m full of adrenaline, but my heart is full of gratitude.”
Geez, lady, that’s not all you’re full of.
You are more likely to take ayahuasca.
Kieran Culkin won Best Supporting Male Actor for the movie A Real Pain (yeah, I didn’t see that either).
He thanked his wife for putting up with his weirdness and gave credit to his therapist, who clearly doesn’t get paid enough.
Now, Kieran: relax and tell us what really happened at Neverland Ranch.
Freshest Smelling Loser
While Culkin was basking in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing.
Strong was nominated for his role as attorney Roy Cohn in The Apprentice, a preachy biopic about a young Donald Trump.
He lost. But, since he was dressed head to toe in mint green (complete with a fuzzy bucket hat), he receives the award for most realistic Mitchum antiperspirant bottle.
Zoe Saldana won best supporting actress for Emilia Pérez, a musical thriller about a drug cartel boss who wants to become a woman (i.e. a standard coming-of-age story).
Kieran Culkin won Best Supporting Male Actor for the movie A Real Pain (yeah, I didn’t see that either). He thanked his wife for putting up with his weirdness and gave credit to his therapist, who clearly doesn’t get paid enough.
While Culkin was basking in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing. Strong was nominated for his role as attorney Roy Cohn in The Apprentice, a preachy biopic about a young Donald Trump.
Closest nip-slip
The adorable Jessica Gunning won for her work in Baby Reindeer and took the stage, warning the crowd that they “almost saw my Golden Globes.”
Some viewers expected bobilicious model Ashley Graham to appear next.
Fake mustache
Even Kardashian’s close wunderkind Timothee Chalamet wasn’t safe from Glaser when he gushed, “You have the most beautiful eyelashes… on your upper lip.”
Chalamet always seems to be playing the role of: A man who has barely gone through puberty.
The strangest couple: a tie!
Speaking of Timmy, how will he get Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
They would be the most unlikely couple if it weren’t for Selena Gómez and Benny Blanco. Gomez blushed after Glaser mentioned their recent engagement, joking that a ‘genie…granted (Blanco) that wish.’
I would also be embarrassed if my fiancée showed up at an awards ceremony with a unibrow and wearing a woman’s blouse.
Did she star in a Frida Kahlo biopic I hadn’t heard of?
No wonder Zendaya physically recoiled at the sight of Beastly Benny.
Even Kardashian’s close wunderkind Timothee Chalamet wasn’t safe from Glaser when he gushed, “You have the most beautiful eyelashes… on your upper lip.” Speaking of Timmy, how will he get Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
The adorable Jessica Gunning won for her work in Baby Reindeer and took the stage, warning the crowd that they “almost saw my Golden Globes.” Some viewers wondered if model Ashley Graham (pictured) would be next to appear.
Best joke/worst joke
Glaser had room in Harvey Weinstein levels of awkwardness after they joked that Zendaya’s movie Challengers was “more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card.” and added: ‘I’m sorry, I’m upset too.’ The after party isn’t going to be as good this year, but we have to move on… There will be no baby oil this year.’
Ashton Kutcher should be thankful he’s no longer nominated for anything.
The best dresses for a Quinceañera
Ariana Grande scared us all more than her Wicked co-star Cynthia Erivo.
Dressing like an anemic elementary school student, she and Erivo stayed apart all night, taking selfies and whispering in the comfortable confines of their two-woman coven.
The most terrifying
Cynthia will hold a special place in my nightmares with her terrifying dress that looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and an iPad.
I needed to put it in the shredder of Ali Wong, who was parading around in a hideous robe made from leftover Christmas ribbons.
Cynthia will hold a special place in my nightmares with her terrifying dress that looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and an iPad.
Big win for a gassy man
Nine Inch Nails rockers Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross won another Globe for composing the Challengers soundtrack.
I was with Trent and the gang one night in Atlanta when they kidnapped Jon Stewart and sat in a van lighting his flatulence with a lighter.
Open a window, guys.
worst presenter
Mindy Kaling is dead to me now. Even since she lost a lot of weight, she stopped being funny. But she really lost me when she appeared with Meghan Markle in her upcoming Netflix series, ‘With Love, Meghan.’
Mindy co-hosted with Kate Hudson, but it was so forced that it made Nicole Kidman’s tense face look relaxed.
Dressed like an anemic elementary school student, Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo stayed apart all night, taking selfies and whispering in the comfortable confines of their two-woman coven.
Mindy Kaling is dead to me now. Even since she lost a lot of weight, she stopped being funny. But she really lost me when she appeared with Meghan Markle in her upcoming Netflix series, ‘With Love, Meghan.’
The best speech by a Romanian
Bucky Barnes won, guys!
Captain America: Winter Soldier star Sebastian Stan won best actor in a comedy or musical for A Different Man and thanked his Romanian mother, who came to this country to give him a better life.
I also have a Romanian mother!! I suppose Bucky’s success can be directly attributed to a childhood of stuffed cabbage, constant feelings of guilt, and, if his mother is anything like mine, being called a “cow in shoes.”
The most convincing human
Demi Moore (one of my teenage daughters insisted she was Courtney Cox) gave the most honest and heartfelt speech of the night.
He expressed the sincere pain of doubt and confessed that he was on the verge of throwing in the towel when he stumbled upon the script for The Substance.
After being dumped by Ashton Kutcher, her friend from P. Diddy, and taking care of the formerly ill Bruce Willis, this woman has been through it. And we’ve all been on the journey together.
That’s why it means so much to hear her say, “Just know that you will never be enough, but you can know the value of your worth if you just let go of the measuring stick.”
Amen, sister!