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Welcome to the first Monday in January, also known as ‘Divorce Day’, when law firms see a surge in inquiries from people fed up and pushed to the edge by the festive disharmony.
And, according to ONS figures, 41 per cent of couples divorce before they are 25 years old. If you want to future-proof your relationship, these are the six questions couples therapist Natasha Silverman says you should discuss with your partner.
Are we happy with our sex life? Work stress, family conflicts, hormonal changes, and boredom can create a chasm between the sex you dream about and the sex you’re having (or not having).
Experts say it’s okay if you’re both on the same page, but warn that “desire discrepancy” (where one of you wants more sex or different sex) can destroy a relationship if it’s not addressed.
Silverman is a relationship counselor and psychosexual therapist with a background in law, making her uniquely qualified to handle issues that lead to divorce.
Sex is a common topic with his clients. ‘Men say their wives have no sexual desire, while women tell me that the pressure to satisfy their partners’ sexual needs (the pushing, the nagging) undermines sexual desire.
‘The problem is that many men assume that women are capable of spontaneous desire. For most men, arousal is like a light switch that is easily turned on. But women need a sexual trigger or cue. Men need to figure out how to activate this.”
Men say their wives have no sexual desire, while women tell me of the pressure to satisfy their partners’ sexual needs, writes Louise Atkinson.
Silverman advises banning sex for two weeks and experimenting with nonsexual intimacy three times a week (for example, rubbing your feet).
‘This gives space to accept or even initiate contact or affection safe in the knowledge that it will not be perceived as an initiation.
“Taking sex off the agenda can revitalize a stagnant sex life.”
What do we like about each other?
Silverman says about 10 percent of her clients seek counseling because they’re no longer sure they like their partner.
“Women often fear that they prefer their friends to their husband,” she says. “But we can focus too much on the negative aspects of our long-term relationship instead of looking for the positive aspects.”
Sit down with your partner, Silverman advises, and then talk about what you originally liked about each other. Talk about ways you can reconnect with these forgotten aspects of yourselves.
‘It’s good to remember the things you do best as a couple.
“Of course, you may have a hard time finding common ground and realize you were only together during Christmas, but this is a good exercise in figuring that out.”
How do we feel about the future?
One of the biggest mistakes long-term couples make is assuming they agree about the future. Staying together will feel like a life sentence if one feels like traveling while the other binge-watches Wheeler Dealers.
‘No matter how long you’ve been together, it’s important to periodically ask yourself what an ideal future looks like. Then, discuss how willing (or not) you both are to share each other’s dreams,’ says Silverman.
However, discovering that your visions of the future are very different is not instant grounds for divorce: ‘The key is to focus on how these dreams make you feel and then discuss ways you can enjoy these emotions together. If traveling means excitement and discovery, can you satisfy these cravings closer to home?
“They need to find the glue that will keep them having fun together for many years to come.”
What small change would we make?
Relationships thrive on tolerance and understanding, but over the years, small habits that were easily ignored before can begin to grate.
‘I think this is the question of the miracle. It removes all the emotions that might be causing friction,” says Silverman. “It forces couples to consider how realistic a change might be, and if it’s not possible, how close can they come?”
Be reasonable and think positively with your request, for example saying, “I’d love for you to turn off the notifications on your phone when we’re eating.” This is much better than saying, ‘Can you get rid of your cycling friends so we can go shopping together on Saturdays?’
What is the most difficult thing for us to talk about?
Although initially complicated, conversations about difficult topics (from aging parents to money) are a very effective way to potentially reveal long-term resentments.
“Taking on a thorny issue can be very effective,” says Silverman. “It forces important discussions that can help clarify things, offer mutual reassurance, and set you on a new path toward better communication.”
Do we need a MoT relationship?
“I have a personal interest, but I wish more people did couples therapy,” Silverman says. “Middle-aged people should be like Generation Z when it comes to counseling, as it can improve communication and establish healthy relationship habits.”
Silverman advises approaching the topic delicately: “Use words like ‘we’ and ‘we’ and ‘I feel.'”
“Try, ‘I’ve been thinking, something needs to change and I really want to work on this with you.’
‘It is important to present this as a joint effort, not as an attack. Never even think about bringing your partner in to get fixed. If it is your partner who suggests you seek support, do not refuse, as this could make him or her lose any final hope.
“This rejection could cause them to abandon the relationship irreversibly.”
- natashasilverman.com @natasha.silverman.terapia