A woman has received an outpouring of support online after revealing that her husband wants his mother to move in with them – but they disagree on the issue.
The anonymous mother of two took to UK parenting website Mumsnet to share her dilemma and ask people what they thought about her situation.
In her post, she revealed that she and her husband want to move to a bigger house with their children.
He reported that some of the houses at the higher end of his budget have very large yards, with enough space to build a granny annex on the land.
Since her mother-in-law lives nearby, she said her husband is “pushing for MIL (mother-in-law) to live in grandma’s annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.” .
This has caused some arguments between the two, she admitted, since she doesn’t want her husband’s mother so close.
Additionally, she added that she feels that if they need the additional income from the mother-in-law, then perhaps they should consider these properties out of their price range.
Commenters were largely supportive of the poster and revealed that they wouldn’t want to live with their partner’s mother either, or even their own.
A mother-of-two has revealed that her husband wants his mother to move in with them, but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea (file image)
Her full post read: ‘DH and I are looking to move to a bigger house for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.
‘Some of the houses we have been looking at (at the higher end of our budget) have very large gardens (0.25 to 0.75 acres).
‘A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bedroom granny annexe at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in grandma’s annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.
‘I am not at all in favor of this idea. I have said that if we can’t pay the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing, we shouldn’t consider it. DH says that although we could afford it, your contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).
I’m worried that MIL is constantly at our house or needs DH to come to hers to help with something, so we won’t have much privacy.
‘The houses we are looking at have large windows or folding doors in the back so MIL can see if we are in the room, have the lights on or off (i.e. when we are home or not), etc. DH insists that he would like to be independent instead. Except your mail and purchases would be delivered to our house.
‘He was parking in our drive and then had to walk around the side of our house and across the garden to get to his house.
‘AIBU (Am I being unreasonable) I don’t want MIL to live on our property? Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents living on your property in a similar situation?
The anonymous user’s Mumsnet post (pictured) laid out the dilemma and why they’re not sure it’s a good idea.
Most commenters seemed to think the suggestion was a bad idea; one even suggested that the husband is a “mama’s boy.”
One forum user simply wrote: ‘Hell no! It’s a recipe for disaster.’
Meanwhile, another said: ‘No way! I’ve seen this happen on other forums and the wife ends up becoming the default caregiver as the elderly get older. Just no. You would have no privacy. Will your Dh listen to you?
Another shared another potential problem and wrote: ‘No, absolutely not. If you live not too far away, you can stay where you are and your DH can visit you there.
‘What happens if she enters a care home and ‘her’ home needs to be sold to fund the care? You could be forced to sell your home.
And yes, I would be worried if she was a constant presence and left you with no privacy. There is no way I would accept the agreement. For me it would be a decisive factor.”
One of them criticized the husband, wondering if he is a “mama’s boy.”
They wrote: ‘They couldn’t pay me to live in that situation. Literally, even if MiL covered the entire mortgage. I wouldn’t have had my own mother either (but she wasn’t a good person, so that’s its own thing). There have to be limits, this is the opposite of that. Is your husband a “mama’s boy” in general? Or does she expect you to take care of her in her final years? That would also be a firm no on my part.
In a similar vein, another added: “Looks like she needs to cut the apron strings.” He is not married to his mother.
Not everyone thought the idea was bad; some suggested that, under the right conditions, it could work well.
Some commenters offered slightly more optimistic views, but noted that there should be caveats in case everyone moves in together.
One person wrote: ‘I think it definitely depends on your relationship with MIL. My best friends grandmother had a very similar situation and lived in a self-contained house/annex completely built in her garden.
“They definitely don’t have acres of land, but it had a fully air-conditioned bathroom and bedroom, etc., and it worked out pretty well; she was relatively young and very independent; she didn’t have dinner with them every night, but she did see them regularly. No I know of no problems and I always forgot she lived there because she was rarely there.
Another said it could work under certain conditions: ‘MIL lives with us but that happened after she came to stay during lockdown and it worked very well.
‘He has his own space: a good-sized bedroom, a bedroom that he uses as a living room (it has a small fridge and microwave in case he doesn’t bother to see the rest of us) and a bathroom.
‘If you have any doubts, don’t do it. It only works if absolutely everyone is 100% on board.”
And one even suggested it might be a good idea, writing: ‘I’m sorry to say this because I feel like I’m an outlier here. I had MIL come live with us and cared for her for 18 months before she needed more care than I could give her and went into a nursing home. We became very close, it was a privilege, she was a wonderful lady. MIL has already passed. I often think about that time we spent together.’