DEAR JANE: I fear my female friends secretly HATE me because of these subtle things they all do

Dear Jane,

I am part of a very close-knit group of girls. We’ve been friends since school and we all moved back to our hometown after college.

We go out several times a week for dinner, drinks or movie nights and there is a group chat where we share our daily updates.

But recently everything has changed, since I made things official with the guy I’ve been dating for a few months.

It’s true that I’ve missed a few meetings to spend time with my boyfriend, but I definitely don’t feel like I’m neglecting them.

However, now, every time I see others, things seem bad to me.

They seem to have developed inside jokes that go over my head but leave them in fits of laughter. I’m also pretty sure they hang out without inviting me and then deliberately hide any evidence on their social media.

The other day, one of the girls posted a photo of everyone at dinner, but when I looked again five minutes later, it had been deleted!

I feel like my old friends hate me, like they’re trying to one-up me and I don’t know why.

Are you jealous of my new boyfriend? After all, this is the first time any of us have had a serious partner.

But I really miss spending time with them and I don’t know how to fix it because we haven’t even fought.

Of,

forgotten friend

Dear forgotten friend,

What you’re discovering is the inevitability of friendships changing as you navigate the excitement of a new, serious relationship.

There’s nothing as wonderful as a group of friends, especially when you’ve known each other for so long.

A close group of friends can feel like a surrogate family. They are there to celebrate your highs and lows and to support and comfort you in the low times.

When everyone is single, it’s easy to become hugely dependent on each other. But things always change as people start to find partners.

You’ve missed a few meetings and they may feel a little abandoned by you, just as you feel a little abandoned by them.

Honestly, I don’t think they ‘hate’ you or are deliberately trying to eliminate you. But I do believe that communicating your feelings is vital to maintaining this friendship.

Sit down with them and tell them how important they are to you. Express your pain at not being invited to some activities. Tell them that although you will have to occasionally let them down to spend time with your boyfriend, that in no way diminishes your commitment to the group.

Then, you have to detach yourself from the result. Hopefully, they’ll appreciate you being honest and things will go back to normal. But there is a chance that they will feel that you have chosen your boyfriend over their friendship.

We have no control over what people think and how they treat us. Talking to them honestly and vulnerable can be very scary, but it is the only way to meet their needs. And if they can’t meet your needs, if they decide to continue isolating you, you have to let them go.

Dear Jane,

My mother and father divorced a few months ago and she just moved from Florida to New York City, where I live, to get some distance from my father.

I hadn’t seen her in almost a year because we were both busy, so I was surprised when she showed up at my apartment with a completely different face.

He must have had $100,000 worth of (bad) plastic surgery.

Worse yet, she acts 20 years younger than her age, wears short skirts and dresses, and accompanies me and my friends to trendy bars (where she is the oldest in the room).

She also goes on dates with much younger men she met on apps.

But the last straw was when I introduced her to the guy I’ve been dating for the past few months. To my absolute horror, she was all over him during dinner, so flirtatious and giggly. It made me feel nauseous.

Then when she and I were alone, she had the audacity to tell me that my boyfriend was too good for me and would suit her better!

I understand that she is going through a big transition from married to single, but her behavior is getting out of hand.

Of,

Mortified by mom

Dear Mortified by Mom,

I feel sorry for you!

As a newly single woman (although she hasn’t recreated her face through plastic surgery), I completely understand how liberating it is to feel alive again after ending a long-term relationship, especially at this age.

Wearing skimpy clothes as an older woman (lamb dressed as lamb, as they say) is not to everyone’s taste. But even though you may hate her clothing choices, I don’t think you should tell your mom what to wear.

You may find it easier to accept her recent behavior if you think it’s just a phase, as is often the case with women who have just ended a marriage.

It’s not uncommon for people to go a little crazy and behave recklessly when they find themselves single for the first time in years.

It’s also not uncommon for women to want to experiment, whether it’s dressing more freely or finding younger men on dating apps.

All of this may seem tremendously exciting and maybe valid for her right now, but most women get back on track after they’ve gotten the experimentation out of their system.

That being said, none of this excuses his inappropriate behavior with your new boyfriend.

That’s something that needs to be addressed, as are his comments about him being “too good for you.” What a horrible thing to say!

You need to set a boundary: if she behaves that way again, she won’t be invited to spend time with you or your boyfriend.

If she denies flirting with him, stand your ground.

She may turn her back on you for a while. After all, it can be difficult to hear hard truths from your children. But be true to your word and stay calm, and she will have to listen to you or lose the opportunity to be a part of your life.