Our first meeting was carefully planned to seem very informal. They had chosen a cafe in Brighton, close to where I live, rather than a restaurant or, worse still, my house.
But from the fact that Olly was sitting on the edge of his chair and kept moving his foot, I could tell that he wasn’t feeling relaxed at all.
Dressed in Vans sneakers and a plaid shirt (the millennial uniform), he bought me apple juice and tried to start a conversation. What music did I like? What was my favorite subject in school?
He smiled at me too hard and there was some awkwardness between us. But it was his girlfriend who bothered me the most. She had moved her chair very close to him and was still moving her hair.
And I couldn’t get over the fact that Olly was older than me than she was. No matter how much he tried to impress, it seemed wrong.
Because? Because the girlfriend in question was my mother. And at that time I was 12, Olly was 29 and Mum was 50.
What’s worse, Olly was the first boyfriend Mum had after splitting up with my dad. I was still recovering from her bitter divorce and now had to deal with Mom’s new, much younger boyfriend.
In addition to feeling upset and angry, I worried what my friends would think if they judged us as a family.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson is closer in age to his stepdaughters Angelica and Jessie than his wife Sam.
Believe me, you go through a whole range of emotions when your mother starts dating a much younger man (in my case, 21 years younger).
It’s particularly challenging if you’re attractive, like Olly. I mean, she was my mom! What the hell was he doing with her? Did you like old people?
However, although age gap relationships in which the woman is older are less common than the alternative, it seems that I am not entirely the only one who experiences this dynamic.
Earlier this week, director Sam Taylor-Johnson, 57, posed on the red carpet with her husband Aaron Taylor-Johnson, 34, and her eldest daughters from a previous relationship, who are 27 and 18.
Aaron is just seven years older than his eldest daughter, Angelica, while he is 23 years younger than his wife (the couple got engaged when he was 19 and she was 42). And it’s fair to say that the fact that she is closer in age to her stepdaughters is very clear to see.
I wonder if Sam’s daughters have struggled as much as I have.
At first I found it disgusting. I told my mom that it was like I was dating someone who wasn’t born.
She just shrugged and said, ‘What am I supposed to do?’ She had fallen in love with him and wasn’t about to give him up just because I found him embarrassing.
Now that I’m 16, I still think a 21-year gap doesn’t seem natural. And it doesn’t necessarily have to do with gender; Dad is now dating a woman 15 years younger and that feels worse because it’s a very cliché male midlife crisis.
But I especially hated the way Mom seemed to treat the age difference like a badge of honor. I bet he bragged about it to his friends.
When Mum met Olly in 2019, my parents were still going through a divorce. It was painful (they had argued the entire time) and as much as I hated the idea of Dad moving out, I had to admit that the atmosphere was calmer when he did.
I understood that mom needed time for herself, but I didn’t expect her to find a boyfriend so quickly. It seemed too soon. I didn’t want everything to revolve around me, but it was disturbing. She started dating Olly right after Dad moved in, although I didn’t know it at the time, because she didn’t tell me right away. However, my brother and I soon realized that something was up.
The first clues came when she and I were on the bus together on the way home from the shops. She was texting with that kind of secret smile that I found really annoying. It was as if the roles had been reversed; She kept her screen away from me like a teenager.
She also didn’t tell me who she was talking to, which raised my suspicions. I saw the bomb emoji next to the shell emoji in a text message I had received; She was sure that someone her age wouldn’t use emojis like that.
About a week later, I caught Mom taking pouty selfies on her phone, posing on the couch with her head thrown back. When he saw me, he laughed nervously. I felt angry because she looked ridiculous. I knew they were for the mystery boy. Who else would they be for?
Although age gap relationships in which the woman is older are less common than the alternative, it seems that I am not entirely the only one who experiences this dynamic, writes anonymous.
She admitted to having a boyfriend shortly after that. She couldn’t deny it anymore, not when she and Olly texted each other all the time. But it took him another month to tell me and my older brother Finn, who was 14 at the time, about the age difference.
He brought it into conversation one night while we were all watching TV.
“Olly’s a little younger than me, you know,” he said. I thought she meant just a few years, but when Finn asked her how much younger, she told us the truth. I sat there in disbelief.
Finn was also very embarrassed by the age difference. We both thought there was something wrong with Olly being interested in someone as old as Mum.
I told Mom she should act her age, but she angrily responded that I would only understand when I was 50, which is obviously miles away.
Then Mum started to change before our eyes and I knew it was thanks to Olly. When he was with dad, he liked gardening and DIY, and they would stay together watching television.
Now she was spending her money on the kind of lace stockings and short skirts my friends would wear. It was mortifying. He started going out to bars and clubs every other weekend with Olly, leaving us with Dad.
I didn’t like it, especially because I was hungover the next day. He wished things could go back to the way they were before.
It was another six months before Mum introduced Finn and me to Olly. I think they were both nervous. He looked even younger than I had imagined and again I wondered why the hell he was dating my mother.
However, I knew better than to mention it to Dad. I knew he hated the idea of Olly too.
For the first year of their relationship, Mum stayed at Olly’s flat during their dates, while Dad looked after us. It was only in his second year that Olly started to stay with us.
Even though I had accepted that they were already together, it still seemed strange to have a younger man in the house. To be honest, it made me miss my dad more. I missed having a father figure on hand.
And Olly certainly wasn’t that; He could talk about computer games and skating, but he didn’t get too involved in family life.
That said, it was best that she didn’t attempt the role of Stedad, unlike Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who refers to his youngest stepdaughter as “my girl,” which is embarrassing.
That’s not to say Olly didn’t have opinions about our education. He told Mom he thought we should get home earlier and order more. She passed it on because she agreed with him.
Seeing him come out of the shower in a towel once only made the differences between him and Dad more obvious. It was clear that Olly went to the gym all the time and was much taller.
I didn’t like it either; He was too old for me. Unlike mom, I don’t like relationships with age differences. Besides, that would have been too strange!
Although I was worried that my friends would like it. They always denied it and I didn’t investigate further. At first, I tried not to mention his age to them. Once when I was at home, a friend assumed he was the plumber. She would never have put two and two together because the age difference was so obvious. When I told her the truth, she was shocked.
Throughout their four-year relationship, I don’t think I ever really felt comfortable with the generational divide. I was glad Olly kept some distance between Finn and me, because this year they split up. Having gone through my parents’ divorce, I would not have wanted to go through that feeling of loss again.
Mom didn’t tell me the specific reasons for the separation, but I know that the age difference played a role. I felt bad for her because she was so sad and she’s convinced she won’t meet anyone she likes as much as him, especially at her age.
I’m not against Mom looking for a new relationship; In fact, I hope it does. It would be nice to have a father figure at home, to do all the things my own dad no longer does: put up shelves, walk the dog, help me with my homework. But it has to be someone your age.
*Names have been changed.