I borrowed £500 from my friend, who is very rich, to invest in my new business, but despite my best efforts I can’t pay her back.
Should I ask him to forget my debt?
BB by email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: You asked your friend to invest in your jewelry business and promised to pay her back before Christmas.
But you tell me in your email that you have only sold one piece and cannot afford to get rid of the debt. Instead, you offered her a piece of jewelry, but she honestly told you that it wasn’t her style that irritated you.
Borrowing from a friend can create complex emotional dynamics. You may have borrowed the money with the best of intentions, but the challenges of starting a business bring disappointment.
It’s hard enough facing setbacks in your projects, but disappointing a friend who believed in you can make it even harder to overcome those feelings.
What you do next could shape the course of the friendship.
Vicky Reynal says it’s important to respect your friend’s decision not to accept jewelry as payment.
While £500 may seem like a small sum to your friend, it is the principle behind the loan (and your agreement) that has the real weight here.
More than money, it’s about what money represents: a promise. It comes wrapped in the trust, support, and faith in you that she demonstrated by lending you the money.
Not valuing them would have a negative impact on your relationship.
It is important that you respect your friend’s decision not to accept the jewelry as payment. This is his money, which he lent you in good faith. Any expectation that she will forgive the loan would also be unfair, since that is not the deal she has.
I wonder if you would make the same assumption if your friend wasn’t rich and if you would be allowing some of the envy related to her financial situation to get in your way.
Or is this a broader dynamic of inequality in your relationship and you actually feel like she somehow “owes” you something?
Her anger at his unwillingness to accept the jewelry or help with her business could also be a response to her wounded pride: struggling to meet this financial obligation could evoke feelings of failure.
Sometimes, when we find it difficult to manage shame, we can project it onto others: maybe it is easier to get angry at her and think that she should be ashamed for not forgiving the loan than to face her own feeling of shame about all this?
It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about the situation. Make sure you don’t avoid her or the topic and don’t wait until the loan is due and she has to bring it up first.
Find a good time to talk, without other people around (and without rushing), and explain the reality of your financial situation as openly as you can.
Vicky Reynal says that as a sign of goodwill you could even offer to pay a small amount of interest
Show your intention to pay him in full and present a plan for how you could do so. For example, you could make small sacrifices every week for as many months as you want, or sell some items on eBay/Vinted, or any other solution you can think of.
Ask her what she thinks about your plan and leave room for her feelings: she has a right to be angry, but hopefully she will show sympathy and flexibility.
As a sign of goodwill, you could even offer to pay a small amount of interest to acknowledge the fact that you are not honoring the initial agreement and that this could have a cost (both emotional and financial) that you want to acknowledge and repair.
However, if she decides to forgive your debt, it must come from her as a spontaneous and voluntary act of generosity. The best thing you can do is approach her with vulnerability and openness, hoping that you can come to an agreement together that leaves the friendship unscathed by this setback.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk