Dear Jane,
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and everything has been practically perfect.
We are compatible in every way, even in the bedroom. We are both adventurous and like to change things up to keep our sex life exciting.
So I wasn’t too surprised when he recently suggested that we start wearing costumes in the bedroom. When he first mentioned the idea, I imagined it might be a police cap or firefighter suspenders.
But she had something else in mind…
Dear Jane: My girlfriend wants me to wear something creepy to bed and I find it very disturbing.
The other night, as we were getting ready for bed, he pulled out a bag and told me to look inside. I reached in and pulled out a priest’s necklace.
Surely this is a mistake, I thought.
But no, my girlfriend wants me to wear a collar in bed to satisfy some kind of religious perversion.
I don’t practice any specific religion, but my girlfriend was raised in an extremely Catholic home and I’m wondering if this strange desire could be the result of some Church-related childhood trauma.
I find it really disturbing and don’t want to participate.
On the other hand, I know she would do anything I asked in the bedroom and I don’t want to “embarrass” her. So, I feel bad for rejecting this wish.
So, do I wear the necklace, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable? Or should I refuse and risk upsetting her or making her self-conscious?
Of,
embarrassing
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column
Dear Kink Shamer,
Goodness. I expected something much worse than a priest’s collar.
Personally, I find this quite minor, given the wide range of problems. But I don’t want to invalidate your discomfort.
I wonder why you are so concerned about the necklace, especially given your own lack of religion.
You use the word “disruptive,” which is a harsh word. Maybe you need to dig deeper into why this particular (quite harmless) ‘problem’ leaves you with such a bad taste.
You suggest that your girlfriend may have historical trauma, but I wonder if there was something in your own childhood that led to your strong aversion to religion and the images associated with it.
I urge you to share how you feel with your girlfriend. An open and honest conversation about your discomfort should ensure that you are both on the same page and prevent either of you from feeling guilty or ashamed.
As I often point out to people who write about their problems in the bedroom, the vast majority of these problems are due to a lack of communication.
Yes, it can be difficult to talk about certain topics, especially those that are intimate or embarrassing. But the more open and honest we are, the more our relationships will flourish.