There may be a lot of information out there about sex, but much of it is misinformation.
This is why the problems that sex therapists routinely face are often solved by simply educating people about sex.
But what is the advice that sex therapists repeat over and over again? What do they wish they taught us all in school?
This, to begin with…
Orgasm is not the goal of sex, pleasure is.
Women worry a lot about orgasms: not having one, taking too long to have one, why the one we just had doesn’t feel the same as the one we had last week… the list goes on.
Tracey Cox believes not reaching orgasm should not deter couples from having sex. Instead of focusing on reaching climax, couples should focus on pleasure (file image)
According to sex therapists, all this anxiety is pointless. Why would anyone worry about how long it takes to reach orgasm? And what if it takes too long?
Most therapists believe we make too much noise about orgasms. In a good sexual relationship, says American sex therapist Stephen Snyder, an orgasm should be like dessert at the end of a good meal. Memorable perhaps, but not the reason you went out to dinner.
The couples who have the best sex are those who don’t set orgasm as a goal. They simply enjoy it, when it comes. Orgasm is not the goal of sex, but pleasure.
Desire fluctuates, and that’s normal
Many couples worry unnecessarily if they go through a period where they or their partner lose sexual desire. We are humans, not robots!
Desire is not a constant: it ebbs and flows depending on what happens in our lives.
Most people accept that desire is highest at the beginning of a relationship and decreases as time goes on, but they forget all the other factors that influence it.
The factors that most affect libido are stress, health problems, pregnancy, parenting and financial worries. Basically, anything that has a negative impact on our lives – most people need to feel happy to feel like having sex and to be happy with their partner.
She reminds us that desire is not a constant: it ebbs and flows depending on what happens in our lives (archive image)
You can’t separate your sex life from your relationship. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of (you do all the housework, your partner doesn’t respect you or listen to you), you’re hardly going to take off your clothes at the end of the day and say, “I want to have sex with you so badly right now.” Lingering resentment is a huge destroyer of passion in long-term relationships.
Aging causes hormonal changes that can dramatically affect desire.
As long as you talk to each other about your current situation (sorry, I don’t feel like having sex right now, but that new boss is really getting to me), maintain affection, and maybe offer some low-effort sex options (oral sex, perhaps, or watching them masturbate?), most relationships can sustain the natural fluctuations that occur with desire over time.
Your vagina smells very good
Women worry about their odor from a very young age, and manufacturers of products designed to make our vaginas smell “better” (douches, deodorants, sprays) take advantage of this mercilessly.
We don’t need products that “improve” or “refresh” us. Vaginas shouldn’t smell like strawberries and cream. These products are not only unnecessary, but they upset the delicate balance of flora and cause irritation, infections, and even pelvic inflammatory disease.
A healthy vagina has a slight odor, but it’s not unpleasant. Wear breathable underwear, avoid tight jeans from time to time, wash with a soap-free product, and then relax. If you notice discharge, unpleasant odors, or changes, see your doctor.
When aroused, the vagina produces a mixture of pheromones that act as aphrodisiacs. Many people prefer that their partner NOT shower or wash just before having sex for this reason. They don’t want an artificial, homogenized smell, they want the natural aroma of a woman who is aroused by them.
Women may feel self-conscious about their smell, but according to Tracey, there is no need to use lotions, douches, deodorants or sprays (stock image)
Performance anxiety is common and manageable
Performance anxiety can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, experience or attractiveness.
One minute you’re fine and the next you’re totally in your head during sex—hyper-aware of your body and how it looks and functions.
Instead of losing yourself in the moment, you anxiously watch your partner’s face to see if they’re enjoying themselves. You can’t bring yourself to orgasm because you’re worried your “orgasm face” will be unpleasant.
Performance anxiety is often accompanied by a sense of spectatorship: a feeling of being hovering above and looking down, with a voice in your head providing a constant commentary on what’s going on.
Performance anxiety can be triggered by a flippant, thoughtless comment made by a partner or ex that sets off a miserable cycle of stress and worry.
Techniques such as mindfulness, relaxation exercises, and focusing on what you feel, not what you see, can help reduce anxiety about sex.
Better yet, recognize that we all go through periods of self-doubt. Accept that you won’t always feel at your best and that anxiety will often pass quickly.
Aging causes hormonal changes that can also drastically affect desire (file image)
Sexual compatibility takes work
Sexual compatibility is often thought of as something that either exists or doesn’t exist – the magic ingredient of “chemistry” that people obsess over.
But while it’s important to feel some attraction when you meet someone, that instant flash we all think of as chemistry is simply lust. Lust fades quickly — true compatibility comes with effort and adjustment.
It’s disappointing, but it’s worth knowing: you can’t put your sex life on autopilot and expect good sex to come naturally. You need good communication, a willingness to try new things, and an openness to compromise to find a mutually satisfying balance.
Men also have low libido
The stereotype is that it’s the wife who turns away from the wall, but men suffer from low desire, too.
Work stress, mild depression (which often sets in after age 40, when men realise they may not be able to achieve everything they wanted), lack of energy due to bad lifestyle habits, loss of confidence due to an unstable erection… many things can undermine a man’s sexual desire.
A man’s libido can be affected by work stress, mild depression and lack of energy due to bad lifestyle habits (file image)
The difference between men and women is that society assumes that men want sex all the time and in large quantities. When they don’t want it, they are made to feel inadequate and unmanly.
What happens next is a downward spiral. Many men do the same thing women do when they are stressed: they self-medicate with alcohol. Excessive alcohol consumption affects the production of testosterone, the main hormone responsible for our sexual desire.
Not surprisingly, the triggering effect of all this is often amplified depression. So you go to the doctor, who prescribes you antidepressants and perhaps some blood pressure pills, thus effectively eliminating any cravings that might have been lurking.
A common side effect of antidepressants and antihypertensives is… you guessed it, low libido.
- Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and products.
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