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Most of us can’t wait to turn on our “out of office” email when we’re on vacation and take steps to put all thoughts of work aside, but if you have a close bond with your colleagues it can be much harder to switch off.
Yes, there is a lot to be said for building rewarding working relationships because this is what helps create a supportive and collaborative office environment, and it is not unusual to find yourself working very closely with a particular colleague, sometimes of the opposite sex.
A “work spouse” (either a “work husband” or a “work wife”) is a coworker with whom you share a particularly strong, trusting, and, crucially, platonic bond.
A “work spouse” is a coworker with whom you share a particularly strong, trusting, and, crucially, platonic bond.
Relationship counselor Charlotte Fox Weber says it’s important to express any concerns you have about your husband’s work relationships.
This relationship has many advantages for those involved (a safe sounding board, someone to bounce ideas off of, a sympathetic ear, a lunch buddy), but it can be tricky for the real couple at home, particularly if they feel outside of a friendly circle, perhaps threatened by this close work-based alliance or a little paranoid that this strong connection might turn sexual.
If you’re concerned about your husband’s work relationships, it’s important to recognize that there may be parts of your partner’s work life that you won’t always understand, and it’s healthy for both of you to have other important relationships.
But it’s also helpful to be fully aware of what’s going on and to voice your concerns if you have them. Men can be surprisingly naive when it comes to emotional closeness and strategic manipulation, and you need to make sure you’re the most important “other” in his life at all times. So it’s good to be on the lookout for signs that things are getting out of hand: maybe he’s texting you from the sun lounger or making comparisons that make you feel a little insecure.
Here’s how to recognize if your husband’s “work wife” may have ambitions to overstep boundaries, and how to handle the situation if she does…
She uses the term “working wife”
You may be fine with it, but many women aren’t, and if the term “work wife” bothers you, ask your husband (and his colleague) to stop using it. By using the more neutral term “colleague,” you’ll be taking some of the heat out of your bond and helping to normalize the platonic nature of your relationship with the woman in question, your husband, yourself, and others (like your friends, family, and children).
ORGANIZE A FACE-TO-FACE MEETING
If a woman spends a considerable amount of time with her husband at work, getting to know her might help demystify it.
It’s always good to put a face to a name, and if this woman spends a lot of time with your husband, getting to know her can help demystify her. Also, if she’s a potential threat, it can be helpful to adopt a “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer” mentality. Be aware of potential red flags if it’s clear he doesn’t really want you to meet—it could be a sign you’re getting too close.
OUT OF THE OFFICE, OUT OF MIND
It’s not healthy for your husband to be in regular contact with a female coworker at random times of the day or night, or while on vacation, no matter how closely you work together. A clear and perfectly reasonable boundary would be for both of you to limit your interaction to normal work hours. Coworkers should respect an out-of-office message, so if your husband is texting her from his lounge chair, it may be a sign that your relationship is no longer purely professional. For example, a minor “disaster” in her private life is not a work emergency, so it’s not appropriate for him to step in as a savior.
If your husband is texting a colleague from his sun lounger, it may be a sign that your relationship is no longer purely professional.
LOOK FOR SIGNS OF ASYMMETRY
You may be perfectly happy for him to have a “work wife.” You may even have a “work husband” of your own. But your husband should bend over backwards for you. you, It’s not for her, and if their relationship makes you feel threatened or insecure, that’s not okay. A real wife beats a work wife in all things and at all times.
KEEP YOUR PRIVATE LIFE PRIVACY
The two of you shouldn’t talk about anything private or intimate about the two of you, and he needs to know that he can’t use his “work wife” as a sounding board to vent about your relationship. If you ever argue, you need to be absolutely certain that no personal details will come to light at the office the next day. If she knows anything about you that would make you both feel uncomfortable, that’s another red flag.
Neither of you should talk about anything private or intimate about the two of you while sitting in front of the water cooler.
SUGGEST ‘WORK DIVORCE’
One of the advantages of working is that you don’t have to stay married to the company. So, if you’re not entirely happy with their work relationships, if you suspect that this work marriage is the only thing they really enjoy about work, or if they speak in a secret work language about topics you couldn’t possibly understand, then maybe it’s time to suggest that they put their work marriage aside and start thinking about divorce.
Charlotte Fox Weber is a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. As told to Louise Atkinson.
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