Do you want a relationship that includes a satisfying and fulfilling sex life?
Keep your eyes peeled for these early warning signs that indicate trouble ahead.
Harmful or manipulative behaviors reveal themselves quickly: you just have to know what to look for.
RED FLAGS OF HIM
Keep both eyes open and alert for everything below.
DID NOT WAIT FOR ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT
Do you live under a rock?
Any man under 50 should be aware that he must check at every stage that he is willing to go further when he starts having sex.
Most couples keep sex simple at the beginning of the relationship, if he needs an extra boost during the honeymoon period, what will that mean when the relationship progresses? (archive image)
We are not just talking about consent but enthusiastic consent. This means a ‘Hell yeah! “Don’t you dare stop now,” she replies when he asks you, “Are you enjoying this?” Are you happy to move on?’ It’s not a doubtful, unhappy sound: “I guess so.”
Continuing in that circumstance is not only a warning sign, it is a possible criminal offense. Unacceptable and dangerous.
Get out of there and don’t look back.
THERE IS PRESSURE TO MOVE TOO FAST
There is consent and there is pressure.
You may be okay with having sex with him, but you don’t want to do it right away. If he insists on having sex before you’re ready (by the way, the deadline you set is irrelevant), he shows a lack of respect for your boundaries and comfort level. He also hints at disturbing problems with control and respect.
Just as alarming, but in a different way, is the guy who looks for unusual or super adventurous sex a few dates or weeks later.
Most couples keep sex simple at first: you don’t need acrobats when you’re energized by the novelty and the cocktail of potent love and sexual hormones flooding your brain.
If you need an extra boost during the honeymoon period, what will you ask for three years from now, when sex becomes a predictable routine?
UK-based sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) revealed the top sexual red flags to look out for in a sexual partner
YOU ARE TOO FOCUSED ON YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
While it’s lovely to be complimented on your appearance, if that’s the only thing he seems to notice or comment on, you’re checking the “trophy girlfriend” box.
Well, if it’s okay for you to be wanted solely for your appearance; not so good if there is also a brain and personality. (Is anyone happy about being included in the “empty woman” box?)
Not only does it mean that your opinion and perspective will not be valued, but being sought out solely for your physical attributes puts you in a precarious position.
What happens if you gain weight or lose weight? What happens when you get older? What if there is someone prettier, thinner, with bigger lips and breasts vying for your attention in the future?
When someone falls completely in love with you—your quirkiness, kindness, fierce intelligence, wit, charm, and talent—you’re hard to replace. Pretty girls are everywhere.
Plus, do you really want to be with a man who values looks above all else? Oh really?
IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT SEX
A little awkwardness at first is normal: you’re both feeling out how to work out each other’s sexual norms and boundaries.
But beware of someone who clams up every time sex is mentioned or who seems uncomfortable when a raunchy scene occurs in a movie or TV show.
Most couples don’t keep quiet about sex at first.
They’re always talking about how good they are with each other in bed, how hot that session was, what they want to explore, how they’re going to rape each other the moment they’re alone.
Only when problems begin can the topic be off limits.
It’s hard enough to overcome that hurdle. But if you haven’t even laid the foundation for honest and open communication, it will be almost impossible to resolve future sexual problems.
If you’re interested, do some research to find out why he’s reluctant to talk about sex.
A conservative or religious upbringing, perhaps? Did you lose your virginity late and feel insecure as a lover?
The most important thing to know is whether you are willing to question any unhelpful messages from the past.
If the answer is yes, give it a try. If no, exit to the left.
RED FLAGS OF HER
Any of the following behaviors are a sign that trouble is brewing.
SHE USES SEX TO MANIPULATE YOU
Beware of a wildly fluctuating libido. One moment a sex fiend, the next curious and completely uninterested. It could be that you are using sex to manipulate or control situations, such as withholding sex to get what you want.
If you don’t mind being a puppet tied to a string (with the penis tied to one end), go ahead. If you prefer sexual authenticity, stay away.
This behavior quickly creates a toxic dynamic in which sex becomes a negotiating tool rather than a mutual expression of intimacy.
SHE NEEDS CONSTANT CONSTANCE ABOUT HER DESIRABILITY
Being overly reliant on validation indicates deeper insecurities that can put undue pressure on the relationship.
Body image issues have ruined many potentially brilliant sex lives; Deep insecurities about your appearance suggest traits of narcissistic behavior.
The first can be approached with love and understanding. The second casts him in the (largely unappreciated) role of constant reassurance.
SHE DOESN’T TALK ABOUT CONTRACEPTION
No prizes for guessing why this is a frantically waving red flag. Is anyone looking for a baby daddy?
“I never liked sex until I met you.”
His ego may skyrocket, but this is usually an indication that his interest in sex is very low. The chemistry may be intense now, but will their overall sex drive match yours in the long run?
Also beware: ‘Sex with you is like nothing I’ve ever experienced.’ Again, flattering. But it can mask sexual compatibility issues, unrealistic expectations, or a history of dissatisfaction.
If your previous sexual experiences have been mostly negative or unsatisfying, find out why.
SHE OVERREACTS TO A PERFORMANCE PROBLEM
Sex at first is stressful for both, but it is worse for men because everything is out in the open and obvious.
Not being able to get or keep an erection, ejaculating too quickly or taking forever – these kinds of things happen even if (especially if) you feel like taking your pants off.
How she reacts in this situation is revealing. If she were a man, she’d say it was a deal breaker.
The only correct response is to dismiss it as nothing. ‘Don’t worry about that! It happens to everyone: we’re both nervous and we’re just getting to know each other.’
Comments like: ‘This has never happened to me before. What’s wrong with you?’ they reveal a rigid, unrealistic sexual expectation, and a deeply unattractive, unpleasant streak.
Both of Tracey’s product ranges, Tracey Cox Supersex and Edge, are available at lovehoney.co.uk (or your country’s lovehoney website). Visit traceycox.com for details of her podcast, blog, and book.